Most Commented Humor Poems (1,865)

Headed Into town to do my Xmas stuff.
Thaw the lock, my lighter has heat enough.
Warm the car and thaw the windows,
Forgot my gloves! Oh what a doze!

Windows defrosted, now I start to go.
Second run to get thru the deep snow.
First stop liquor, can't find any parking,
Double park, have to hurry, no larking!

Find my spirits and join the long line.
The basket gets heavy but thats fine.
Finally, the cashier and get them bagged
Air miles card? Oh how time dragged!

My car is blocked. Now I'll have to wait!
Warm it up and guess that's my fate.
Finally someone moves slightly ahead
I get out into traffic like the walking dead!

Slush hits my windows and wipers smudge.
I'm out of washer fluid. You be the judge!
I must hurry quickly and get windshield fluid.
Sliding to store, wishing for a climate thats humid.

I get my jug after waiting, then slip on some ice.
Just a quick trip into town, well isn't this nice?
Slowly I Get up with snow down my neck.
I'll valiantly trudge on, oh what the heck!

Fill my container while tragically scowling.
Big snowflakes falling and the wind is howling.
I must find my brush. Where is it tossed?
Search in the rear and now windows frosted!

Have to thaw and defrost car in the storm.
Slap my wipers to chip off the ice as I mourn.
Now squirt the window and clean off the grime.
I'm starting to panic as its becoming nightime!

Look at my list that I've only just started.
I'm now going home and wish I'd not departed.
Finally get back bagged and white knuckled!
At least I got the booze, grabbed a glass and chuckled!

Now mary hated serving
her hubby paddy found
so her getting a cup of tea
with slippers and a scone
the odds of it arriving
were 25 to 1

Now paddy loved the horses
while mary had to work
that's it she said one afternoon
i cant take anymore
and in a temper waited for him
to come in front door

i m home my dear he shouted
is me tea ready for me
she shouted back its ready pet
and this he was to see
as a clock whistled past his head
the hands said 4.30

A teapot followed behind it
with cups and saucers too
though his reflexes were pretty sharp
as he swerved the crockery
but did nt dodge the rolling pin
that caught him on the knee

As the pain went through his body
he let out a mighty shout
and did not see the saucepan
that gave his head a clout
bruised and shaken paddy was
as she nearly knocked him out

Pet what is the trouble
he have baked did reply
before a donut filled with jam
hit him in the face
a custard tart and apple pie
landed both in the same place

So when you think to marry
pick your mrs carefully
make sure she loves the horses
and waits on you with bliss
if only paddy thought of that
those missiles he d have missed

Having my hair cut
Oh what a drag
Maybe I'll just wear a paper bag!

The questions they ask are always the same
"Oh, look outside - it looks like rain"
"Are you going out tonight?"
"How's your hair, is that alright?"
Then mousse, and spritz and hair spray galore
I just can't wait to get out that door!

Away from the chemicals and idol chatter
I know it doesn't really matter
Away from the spray tans and stick-on false nails
It's really not me, and I can't wait to bail

Get out of the door and into fresh air
Away from the drone of pop music blare
Thank God that it's over for another wee while
Hmmmmm....Maybe next time, I'll change my style! :o)

(Writing Under the Influence)

Sometimes it all comes out garbled,
Can't make heads nor tails the next day.
As if I'd lost all my marbles,
Now what was I trying to say?

But once in a while it's inspired,
A couple of nuggets I'll find.
It's almost as if I were wired,
My fingers just speaking my mind.

Later I'll fix up the scansion,
Make sure all the rhymes are just right.
Ideas may need some expansion,
From fragments composed in the night.

Then when the magic is churning,
When ev'rything's coming out fine,
The late midnight oils are burning,
As poetry mixes with wine.

she served him up a fair-served shot
which he returned with speed, a lot

and back-n-forth they balled and turned
but never did a point they earn

the match was always love to love
no clear advantage for either thereof

he said she was fifteen to his game
she maintained she was 30 just the same

and that his love would always be for nil
and that their games must continue until

she lobbed a shot right over his head
he said no way, she'd be the loser instead

so on into the day they volleyed the points
their court was covered, no judge to appoint

a delicate push right to her net
she'd dash to return his balls and get

another chance to keep the point in play
and continue their game on into the day

when nighttime came and they sat down to rest
they still couldn't agree on who was the best

but finally agreed they could amicably assume
they both were equals and went to their room

to end their love match alone in their bed
make love not a score, but their passion instead

© agoodguy2have 2010-07-14

My sister and I, sitting back to back,
Dying of laughter, trying to figure out what we are after.
Our GPS has us on a chase,
Bear left, keep right, we are so off base.

Why can we go across the country,
Surviving the double-lane raceway?
No issues then, the scenery spectacular,
Hello Big Truck! My! You are a cute guy.

But here in our final destination,
Hannibal Tom-Tom must have flipped his switch!
He's acting like a total b**ch!

So, is it any wonder, here we sit in the parking lot,
Looking lost and tears mingling with our giggles?
Hey wait! Our heroes' arrived!
Delicious eye-candy! Many scrumptious sized!
We follow, grateful at last to be home! But darn it!
We forgot to get their digits! Grumble! Grumble! Moan!

A slight miscalculation,
Wound me up in traffic court,
For speeding violation.
The judge was a decent sort.

Ten hours now in service,
To the fair community.
Spent raking leaves for justice,
And some pulling up of weeds.

The penalty's not so bad,
At least the weather's decent.
Not cold and rain like we had,
In days just past of recent.

The fresh air and the sunshine,
Will probably do me good.
And excersise, well spent time,
In activity as I should.

Now all that's left to deal with,
Is the court costs, then it's done.
A lesson learned has been this,
Driving slower from now on...

John Wayne was a giant of the Western
The Searchers, True Grit, and Rooster Cogburn
He won the gunfights
He loved Miss Goodnight
And always proved that he was the best-durn!

tena koutou katoa
there once was bloke from Aotearoa
who had an iron gut like a flightless moa
mutton birds his nightly meal
gorging with his river smoked eel

SS

Do you really think you know her, dude?
What she needs
What makes her fly
Does she run hot and cold?
Does she take her time?
Will she let you check the oil?
Can you pop the hood?
She's hitching up your wagon, dude
You didn't think she would
You grind her gears up royally every time you try
Dude, just move over and let me drive