Here is a list of Humor Poems ordered by Most Commented, posted by members. Read poetry, post your own poems or comments. Poems on these pages are copyrighted © by the authors who entered them. Click here to post a poem.
MACAVITY'S SIDE OF THINGS.Lady Morgana's challenge
Thought I would be a cat for this challenge, not just any cat though. Macavity. From a poem by T.S.Eliot. Thought it was about time he was allowed to put his side of things. Apologies to that fine work.
ME?
They say, I am a kinda mystery cat, they call me "The Hidden Paw"
They say, I am a master criminal, who can defy the law,
That, I'm a bafflement to Scotland Yard, the Flying Squad's despair,
For, when they reach the scene of a crime, I simply am not there.
They, say it's me you see. But, I say, that day I went to Daventry,
They, say I've broken every human law, even the law of gravity,
That, my powers of levitation would make a fakir stare,
That, when they reach the scene of a crime, I simply am not there.
You may seek me in the basement, you may seek me in the air,
But, I tell you once, and, once again.....I simply am not there!
I'm a bit of a ginger cat, I'm really quite tall and thin,
You might know me if you saw me.......My eyes are quite sunken in,
My brow is always lined with thought, My balding head is highly domed,
I dispute my coat is dusty from neglect, that my whiskers are uncombed,
That, like a snake I sway my head from side to side, is a mistake,
Though....It's true that when you think I'm half asleep, I'm always wide awake.
It's always me, they say, you see.....There is no-one like Macavity,
That, I'm a fiend in feline shape, a monster of depravity,
That, you can meet me in a side street, or, see me in the square,
But, when a crime's discovered......I simply am not there!
They say I'm outwardly respectable, they also say I cheat at cards,
And, I know my footprints are not to be found in any file of Scotland yard's.
When the larder is looted, or, a jewel case is rifled,
When the milk is missing, or, another "Peke's" been stifled,
The greenhouse glass is broken, or, the chicken wire's past repair,
They cannot understand the wonder of the fact that I am simply never there!
When the Foreign Office finds a treaty has gone astray,
Or, The Admiralty lose some top secret plans again..."By the way",
There may be a clue, a scrap of something in the hall or on the stair,
But, it's useless to investigate, 'cos I'm not there,
And, when the loss is disclosed, some politician might say,
"It must have been Macavity".....But, I'm always miles away,
Where, you'll be sure to find me resting, or, licking fish from my thumb,
While I'm engaged in something else, like, a long division sum.
It's me they say, you see.....There's no-one like Macavity,
But, I ask you...Do I appear to you as a cat of such deceitfulness and suavity?
I always have an alibi, even one or two to spare,
Cos, whatever time the deed took place, I simply wasn't there!
So, now all the facts you've got,
All that's been said is true,
Make your own mind up,
Maybe, even some evidence accrue,
Just....Find somewhere where I am....Rather than where I'm not!
ME?
They say, I am a kinda mystery cat, they call me "The Hidden Paw"
They say, I am a master criminal, who can defy the law,
That, I'm a bafflement to Scotland Yard, the Flying Squad's despair,
For, when they reach the scene of a crime, I simply am not there.
They, say it's me you see. But, I say, that day I went to Daventry,
They, say I've broken every human law, even the law of gravity,
That, my powers of levitation would make a fakir stare,
That, when they reach the scene of a crime, I simply am not there.
You may seek me in the basement, you may seek me in the air,
But, I tell you once, and, once again.....I simply am not there!
I'm a bit of a ginger cat, I'm really quite tall and thin,
You might know me if you saw me.......My eyes are quite sunken in,
My brow is always lined with thought, My balding head is highly domed,
I dispute my coat is dusty from neglect, that my whiskers are uncombed,
That, like a snake I sway my head from side to side, is a mistake,
Though....It's true that when you think I'm half asleep, I'm always wide awake.
It's always me, they say, you see.....There is no-one like Macavity,
That, I'm a fiend in feline shape, a monster of depravity,
That, you can meet me in a side street, or, see me in the square,
But, when a crime's discovered......I simply am not there!
They say I'm outwardly respectable, they also say I cheat at cards,
And, I know my footprints are not to be found in any file of Scotland yard's.
When the larder is looted, or, a jewel case is rifled,
When the milk is missing, or, another "Peke's" been stifled,
The greenhouse glass is broken, or, the chicken wire's past repair,
They cannot understand the wonder of the fact that I am simply never there!
When the Foreign Office finds a treaty has gone astray,
Or, The Admiralty lose some top secret plans again..."By the way",
There may be a clue, a scrap of something in the hall or on the stair,
But, it's useless to investigate, 'cos I'm not there,
And, when the loss is disclosed, some politician might say,
"It must have been Macavity".....But, I'm always miles away,
Where, you'll be sure to find me resting, or, licking fish from my thumb,
While I'm engaged in something else, like, a long division sum.
It's me they say, you see.....There's no-one like Macavity,
But, I ask you...Do I appear to you as a cat of such deceitfulness and suavity?
I always have an alibi, even one or two to spare,
Cos, whatever time the deed took place, I simply wasn't there!
So, now all the facts you've got,
All that's been said is true,
Make your own mind up,
Maybe, even some evidence accrue,
Just....Find somewhere where I am....Rather than where I'm not!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Aug 2012
About this poem:
A different perspective...lol....Hope you liked it...Andrew...xxx...Please do read Macavity, the mystery cat by T.S.Eliot....
Excessive Love (Macduff's' Schmaltzy Challenge)
Excessive is my love of thee
Leading me away from sorrow
Whenever I see your face in film
I fantasize about the thrill
What gives you grace is mine
When you walk onto the stage
I surrender to a helpless maze
What a vagabond can surmise
So why do stars discover time
When all light is seen at night
Can you be my guiding light
Across the scapes of Mars
That which plucks from Plato's harp
Or strums like Clapton's guitars
Let's dance dance my love
Like creatures of Renoir
Be all that my love and more
Let's drift like waves upon a shore
Each ripple one on top another
In your embrace melts sweet amour
As we lay and start to explore
The meaning we give to love
Is higher than its tidal bore
With all our ecstasy we give
To love too hot to ignore
Leading me away from sorrow
Whenever I see your face in film
I fantasize about the thrill
What gives you grace is mine
When you walk onto the stage
I surrender to a helpless maze
What a vagabond can surmise
So why do stars discover time
When all light is seen at night
Can you be my guiding light
Across the scapes of Mars
That which plucks from Plato's harp
Or strums like Clapton's guitars
Let's dance dance my love
Like creatures of Renoir
Be all that my love and more
Let's drift like waves upon a shore
Each ripple one on top another
In your embrace melts sweet amour
As we lay and start to explore
The meaning we give to love
Is higher than its tidal bore
With all our ecstasy we give
To love too hot to ignore
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Apr 2012
About this poem:
Having a go at this was fun......
How to win a man!
Now for the first time in print the earth shattering
statistics are in!
The 100% 'Man Winning' formula has been found!
Eighteen centuries of dating information has been
collected. We've searched the world over and even
have interviews on record from ancient cultures of
disgruntled 'males' from some of the most unlikely
spots on earth. Such as the Sahara Dessert where two
dudes were standing behind the only rock in the region.
They were asked if if they would date a woman with three
legs and a tatoo. They said, 'Sure!
2. In 305 BC. a clay tablet was discovered that
described a guy who lived in a tree and would spit
on monkeys who came to close. Witnesses said he liked
girls who didn't mind a guy spitting.
3. In 2003 in upstate Downtown a circus clown dated
a common housefly. They were married but the fly died
3 hours later.
4. A scientist was asked what compelled him to marry.
He simply replied, 'Because she was there.'
5. A hundred men were given an intelligence test with
just one question. They were asked,' What they would do
if there was nothing else to do, but would they do it if
nothing else could be done?' They said, 'Yes! Then they
started sucking their thumbs.
6. The same men were asked what were the three most important
qualities they looked for in a woman. Most of the men asked, 'How
many are three?'
7. Twenty men were asked what turned them on about women
wearing nylons. They replied, ' So we can use the nylons to
pull over our faces when we rob banks.'
8. A hundred men were asked what they thought was the most
beautiful thing about a woman. Most men thought the most
beautiful thing was that their wives didn't have them
commited to a mental institution in the first two years
of their marriage.
9. Eighty men were asked what was the greatest gift their
wives or girlfriends had given them. Most said, " They gave
us a second chance 1500 times.'
10. All the men were asked, 'What they would do differently
that would add quality to their relationships.' Most replied
that they would start using a public restroom instead a highway
guard rail or their neighbors back tire.'
There it is ladies. It might seem like slim pickings, but you gotta love us!!
statistics are in!
The 100% 'Man Winning' formula has been found!
Eighteen centuries of dating information has been
collected. We've searched the world over and even
have interviews on record from ancient cultures of
disgruntled 'males' from some of the most unlikely
spots on earth. Such as the Sahara Dessert where two
dudes were standing behind the only rock in the region.
They were asked if if they would date a woman with three
legs and a tatoo. They said, 'Sure!
2. In 305 BC. a clay tablet was discovered that
described a guy who lived in a tree and would spit
on monkeys who came to close. Witnesses said he liked
girls who didn't mind a guy spitting.
3. In 2003 in upstate Downtown a circus clown dated
a common housefly. They were married but the fly died
3 hours later.
4. A scientist was asked what compelled him to marry.
He simply replied, 'Because she was there.'
5. A hundred men were given an intelligence test with
just one question. They were asked,' What they would do
if there was nothing else to do, but would they do it if
nothing else could be done?' They said, 'Yes! Then they
started sucking their thumbs.
6. The same men were asked what were the three most important
qualities they looked for in a woman. Most of the men asked, 'How
many are three?'
7. Twenty men were asked what turned them on about women
wearing nylons. They replied, ' So we can use the nylons to
pull over our faces when we rob banks.'
8. A hundred men were asked what they thought was the most
beautiful thing about a woman. Most men thought the most
beautiful thing was that their wives didn't have them
commited to a mental institution in the first two years
of their marriage.
9. Eighty men were asked what was the greatest gift their
wives or girlfriends had given them. Most said, " They gave
us a second chance 1500 times.'
10. All the men were asked, 'What they would do differently
that would add quality to their relationships.' Most replied
that they would start using a public restroom instead a highway
guard rail or their neighbors back tire.'
There it is ladies. It might seem like slim pickings, but you gotta love us!!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Mar 2012
About this poem:
From the library of Congress.. 'The Book of Dudes.' The difinitive guide. $29.99Date . Dip
Maryland: Billy Slamhopper- Age 89
Hi! I wear green socks and I like to watch ducks in the park. Looking for PHD in bone transplants. Preferably someone who lives close (like right accross the street). I have to go home now.
Tenn. Jack the Flipper- Age 37
Greetings! I'm the pancake man! I flip flap jacks all day. I need a woman to roll up in here and butter me up. My daddy told my mother he didn't think I was stacked to tight.
Cali. Cryin' Eddie- Age 52
I've sniveled my whole life through..and I LOVE IT!!
Come weep, wail, and bawl your guts out with me, and we'll
raise 13 childred in some sort of eternal snot fest!
Color. Freddy the Freddy- Age 22
HI! You can call me Freddy, or Freddy. It dosen't matter.
Looking for a downtown chick.
Geor. Swamp Man Harry- Age unknown
Aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
Ohio: Computer Raymond- Age 32
I would like to ##88265346833875688%%$#$5784@#65356
%#%^76#^%^58(.. Thank you!
Texas: Clint Westwood- Age 45
Ride'em in!, ride'em in!, ride'em in!
Rawhideeeeeeee! Yeah! Yeah! Snap! Whip!
Yeeeehhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!
Sponsored by Dating R' Us.
Hi! I wear green socks and I like to watch ducks in the park. Looking for PHD in bone transplants. Preferably someone who lives close (like right accross the street). I have to go home now.
Tenn. Jack the Flipper- Age 37
Greetings! I'm the pancake man! I flip flap jacks all day. I need a woman to roll up in here and butter me up. My daddy told my mother he didn't think I was stacked to tight.
Cali. Cryin' Eddie- Age 52
I've sniveled my whole life through..and I LOVE IT!!
Come weep, wail, and bawl your guts out with me, and we'll
raise 13 childred in some sort of eternal snot fest!
Color. Freddy the Freddy- Age 22
HI! You can call me Freddy, or Freddy. It dosen't matter.
Looking for a downtown chick.
Geor. Swamp Man Harry- Age unknown
Aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
Ohio: Computer Raymond- Age 32
I would like to ##88265346833875688%%$#$5784@#65356
%#%^76#^%^58(.. Thank you!
Texas: Clint Westwood- Age 45
Ride'em in!, ride'em in!, ride'em in!
Rawhideeeeeeee! Yeah! Yeah! Snap! Whip!
Yeeeehhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!
Sponsored by Dating R' Us.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Mar 2012
About this poem:
This weeks personals: Good luck ladies!
My First Nine Months
Most people can't remember anything that happened to them before the age of two. I am unique in that not only can I remember with clarity stuff that happened to me the first two years of my life, I can also remember events that happened even before conception. I remember like it was yeserday, half of me resting in my dad's testicle, and the other half in my mom's fallopian tube. Next thing I know the half of me in papa is being hurtled on a fast ride quite similar to going on a waterslide. I have to swim fast because the early bird gets the womb. The other half of me is all happy to have so many vying for my attention. All of these olympic swimmers are now ramming their heads into me. It's like a bunch of lumberjacks competing to be first to hack through the pine log. Meanwhile the tadpole part of me finally breaks through. Now we have to go dutch and each chip in half of the bill to pay for this new boy we're about to become. Sure I won't ever be able to swim as fast, but I will be able to do lots of other cool things with the cells I am now making. I start out at two, then four, then eight, then 16, and so on doubling to millions and then billions. I'm growing a brain, toes, arms, teeth, a heart, all sorts of new things. Then it's just grow, grow, grow! I slide out of my mom, get a smack on my bottom, I'm guessing it's tradition, and find that you have to use your mouthhole to get nourishment, not your belly button. I do miss living inside, getting my yummies through my tummy.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Apr 2012
About this poem:
Listened to this book on MP3 about this woman who could recall every day she lived. That inspired this. My earliest recollections are around the age of two.My ideal woman
Well.. she's neither here nor
there I guess, but she could
be..
I mean..well..that could be a
good quality!
I'm fixin' the car and she's
doing this thing with her
lipstick
Her lipstick melts on my new
white shirt but do I get angry?
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Why? Because her smirky little
grin got me all buttered up
A push over you say?
Mabey..
We drive to the beach..
We frolic in the sand like
fools
I rip off my shirt Hulk Hogan
style
It fails to make an impression
on the local beach bums
But I don't care because I have
my lil' yellow rubber duck
It's just me, the girl, and
this crazy duck
Have I been drinking?
Of course not!
I was born this way
Surely you must be thinking,
'This guy took a wrong turn,
mabey when he was nine or
something..'
All theories shall be reviewed..
But the real kicker is that this
chick actually likes me green
socks and all..
My ideal woman!
there I guess, but she could
be..
I mean..well..that could be a
good quality!
I'm fixin' the car and she's
doing this thing with her
lipstick
Her lipstick melts on my new
white shirt but do I get angry?
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Why? Because her smirky little
grin got me all buttered up
A push over you say?
Mabey..
We drive to the beach..
We frolic in the sand like
fools
I rip off my shirt Hulk Hogan
style
It fails to make an impression
on the local beach bums
But I don't care because I have
my lil' yellow rubber duck
It's just me, the girl, and
this crazy duck
Have I been drinking?
Of course not!
I was born this way
Surely you must be thinking,
'This guy took a wrong turn,
mabey when he was nine or
something..'
All theories shall be reviewed..
But the real kicker is that this
chick actually likes me green
socks and all..
My ideal woman!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Apr 2012
About this poem:
Ok..So I don't actually wear green socks..There is a point I won't cross.lol
The Race!
The Race!
The glistened horses with snorting nostrils came out from the starting gate wildly, on their way!
They mustn’t crash or start to late!
They rushed out behind the steel meshed gate, some with legs pawing, crashing in the air!
For the winning money, the people couldn’t wait to win or loose their purse!
Oh! How the crowd did roar!
The people did shout with Glee!
Yelling so , let’s go, “Fancy Pants”, Let’s go, yelling so happily!
They wanted their special horse to win, for them to win their rewarding day!
The Horses rushed headlong in their special way,
Around the tract to cross the winning line!
Oh what an exciting and glorious day!
Magnificent muscular horses, stretching legs and necks!
On the way to make the people's day!
“Love’s choice“, makes her play, she’s leading the pack all the way!
“Fancy Pants” does his dance and he’s running third today!
Out in the stretch it’s “Hectors Son”, I think he’s won!
No! Out from the pack, way in the back it’s, “Mother’s Choice“, she’s the winners pick of the day!
And here they come, the race is done!
Number One, is “Mother’s Choice”!
“Hectors Son” is number two!
And “Love’s Choice” wins show, just for you!
“ Fancy Pants” hit the fence, out of the race,
Oh! Piety him what a disgrace!
I ripped his ticket right in two!
Hurray! Hurry!
Place your bets for the next horse race of the day!
Pick your winner!
A horse race is like life’s race
I wonder if we will win the race of such a hectic day,
Win first place, place or show?
Every one of us, is in the race of life whether it’s fast or slow!
Author
JimEee
The glistened horses with snorting nostrils came out from the starting gate wildly, on their way!
They mustn’t crash or start to late!
They rushed out behind the steel meshed gate, some with legs pawing, crashing in the air!
For the winning money, the people couldn’t wait to win or loose their purse!
Oh! How the crowd did roar!
The people did shout with Glee!
Yelling so , let’s go, “Fancy Pants”, Let’s go, yelling so happily!
They wanted their special horse to win, for them to win their rewarding day!
The Horses rushed headlong in their special way,
Around the tract to cross the winning line!
Oh what an exciting and glorious day!
Magnificent muscular horses, stretching legs and necks!
On the way to make the people's day!
“Love’s choice“, makes her play, she’s leading the pack all the way!
“Fancy Pants” does his dance and he’s running third today!
Out in the stretch it’s “Hectors Son”, I think he’s won!
No! Out from the pack, way in the back it’s, “Mother’s Choice“, she’s the winners pick of the day!
And here they come, the race is done!
Number One, is “Mother’s Choice”!
“Hectors Son” is number two!
And “Love’s Choice” wins show, just for you!
“ Fancy Pants” hit the fence, out of the race,
Oh! Piety him what a disgrace!
I ripped his ticket right in two!
Hurray! Hurry!
Place your bets for the next horse race of the day!
Pick your winner!
A horse race is like life’s race
I wonder if we will win the race of such a hectic day,
Win first place, place or show?
Every one of us, is in the race of life whether it’s fast or slow!
Author
JimEee
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Nov 2012
About this poem:
We are all in the race of life, whether it bethe tortoise or the hare!
Jack the Lad
His mother told him, watch out
many a lass you will meet
with some you will dally
share a kiss or two,
some you will bed
but take care, for a lass
that's too easy is not to be wed
this advice he took to heart
with many a lass he dallied
most to his bed he took
'til one day he fell in love
with a lass called Jill
on bended knee he asked her
will you please wed me
oh no she said no never
my mother warned me of studs like you
she told me, bed them, don't wed them
for a stud he will always be
many a lass you will meet
with some you will dally
share a kiss or two,
some you will bed
but take care, for a lass
that's too easy is not to be wed
this advice he took to heart
with many a lass he dallied
most to his bed he took
'til one day he fell in love
with a lass called Jill
on bended knee he asked her
will you please wed me
oh no she said no never
my mother warned me of studs like you
she told me, bed them, don't wed them
for a stud he will always be
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Feb 2013
About this poem:
a hopefully lighted hearted twistEinstein
Einstein had a mind of
his own when he stepped
outside the box
He reached in his vest
and checked the time on
his fourth dimensional
clock
The year was 1905 when
he rode that beam of
light
But the minute hand was
a second behind as he
sped along his flight
He punched in all the
numbers but the hour
seemed out of place
And his watch had bent
like wax in this 4-D
time and space
So he scratched his head
and checked the time the
very minute he departed
But to his surprize he was
two days late because he
arrived before he started~
his own when he stepped
outside the box
He reached in his vest
and checked the time on
his fourth dimensional
clock
The year was 1905 when
he rode that beam of
light
But the minute hand was
a second behind as he
sped along his flight
He punched in all the
numbers but the hour
seemed out of place
And his watch had bent
like wax in this 4-D
time and space
So he scratched his head
and checked the time the
very minute he departed
But to his surprize he was
two days late because he
arrived before he started~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Nov 2011
About this poem:
E=Mc..confusion..lol
A Bit of Australian Slang
Strewth mate, you sprung me fair
I was just having a sickie
The weather's nice to go for swim
So grabbed me cossies and spare daks
Behind I left the little Vegemites
The missus there to mind them
Jumped into me Kingswood and bugger me
The bloody thing was on the blink
Fair dinkum mate, I tell no lie
I'm not one who wants to skite
The trouble and strife came out to fix
With hammer banged under the bonnet
'Give it a burl' she soon yelled
And blow me the old girl started
Quick as a wink I'm off you see
The big drink is calling me
So here I am with the rank and file
Trying to have a bit of peace
Now with all the trouble that I've had
You give me my walking papers
Mate, I think you're off your trolley
So take your job and just quietly
You can shove it where the sun don't shine
I was just having a sickie
The weather's nice to go for swim
So grabbed me cossies and spare daks
Behind I left the little Vegemites
The missus there to mind them
Jumped into me Kingswood and bugger me
The bloody thing was on the blink
Fair dinkum mate, I tell no lie
I'm not one who wants to skite
The trouble and strife came out to fix
With hammer banged under the bonnet
'Give it a burl' she soon yelled
And blow me the old girl started
Quick as a wink I'm off you see
The big drink is calling me
So here I am with the rank and file
Trying to have a bit of peace
Now with all the trouble that I've had
You give me my walking papers
Mate, I think you're off your trolley
So take your job and just quietly
You can shove it where the sun don't shine
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Feb 2012
About this poem:
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