Here is a list of Humor Poems ordered by Most Commented, posted by members. Read poetry, post your own poems or comments. Poems on these pages are copyrighted © by the authors who entered them. Click here to post a poem.
The Jessetradamus Prophecies (Mr Cafe Challenge)
In 2015 an American company called Ford will market a vehicle
The parts will be bought from Canada and they will be assembled in Mexico
The stereo and navigation systems will come from Japan
It will be powered by gasoline from The Middle East
And they will market it to middle class caucasians
Thus creating an even greater depression
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: May 2014
About this poem:
Mr Jim I also see in my visions that you will return my over due library books
Lets Bake a Cake
I wanted to bake a cake
but found I had no flour
off to the miller I went
alas he said I have none
the farmer didn't bring
any wheat for me to mill
he asked me to go and see
why he had not been along
I went to see the farmer
but he was laid up in bed
he'd slipped of the ladder
now his back he'd strained
he asked if I could take
his wheat to the mill
so I loaded it in the cart
set off back to the mill
on the way a wheel fell off
so to the blacksmith I went
he said he'd soon be along
when he had shod the horse
soon he came and fixed the cart
once more off I set on my way
the sun shining, we bumped along
until at last at the mill we arrived
the miller was so grateful
all my flour I got for free
I set off for home ready to bake
that cake I had been dreaming of
I lit the oven so it would be hot
the ingredients I started to mix
I added all the dry stuff, alas
I had no eggs just an empty box
to hen coop I went to get some
found six beauties under the hen
she pecked me as I took them
giving a right squawk of disgust
back to the bowl where I added two
whipping the butter into the mixture
added some milk, then poured it out
filling the cake tin three quarters full
Into the oven I put my tin
leaving it to bake slowly
my tummy rumbling as it cooked
at last it was ready, I left it
on the windowsill to cool a bit
while I laid the table for tea
I went to get it to slice it up
alas that wretched hen got there first
but found I had no flour
off to the miller I went
alas he said I have none
the farmer didn't bring
any wheat for me to mill
he asked me to go and see
why he had not been along
I went to see the farmer
but he was laid up in bed
he'd slipped of the ladder
now his back he'd strained
he asked if I could take
his wheat to the mill
so I loaded it in the cart
set off back to the mill
on the way a wheel fell off
so to the blacksmith I went
he said he'd soon be along
when he had shod the horse
soon he came and fixed the cart
once more off I set on my way
the sun shining, we bumped along
until at last at the mill we arrived
the miller was so grateful
all my flour I got for free
I set off for home ready to bake
that cake I had been dreaming of
I lit the oven so it would be hot
the ingredients I started to mix
I added all the dry stuff, alas
I had no eggs just an empty box
to hen coop I went to get some
found six beauties under the hen
she pecked me as I took them
giving a right squawk of disgust
back to the bowl where I added two
whipping the butter into the mixture
added some milk, then poured it out
filling the cake tin three quarters full
Into the oven I put my tin
leaving it to bake slowly
my tummy rumbling as it cooked
at last it was ready, I left it
on the windowsill to cool a bit
while I laid the table for tea
I went to get it to slice it up
alas that wretched hen got there first
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: May 2013
About this poem:
I think that hen will be Sunday dinner
2012.. It's Apocalyptic!!
Sorry children, but it's all true..
On December 15,2012 it's all going
down..
At 7:00am. when you walk out to your
front porch to pick up the morning
paper in your slippers the sky will
be an errie red..
You won't think to much of it til you
hear strange sounds getting louder from
beyond the hill..
You shut your door and peer through the
keyhole and you can make out strange
creatures bounding accross the fields..
Hundreds of them..no..thousands..
In a minute you can make out the forms
charging like lighting..
They are vicious hounds from hell with
red eyes and dripping saliva blood..
Suddenly, a clap of thunder shakes the
earth and lighting splits your neighbors
house in two..
You notice that a few of your neighbors
have begun to drag the streets like zombies
and their eyes have been burnt out of their
heads..
You run to the phone to call your husband at
work but the line is dead..and so is he.
Meteorites begin pounding the earth and hail
stones weighing 700 pounds are crushing
buildings like match boxes..
The earth has shifted off it's axis and the sun's
radiation is burning all plant life like tinder..
The moon has cracked apart and the stars are exploding in violent colors
People are coming up out of their graves and trying
to sell you a life insurance policy with low premiums..
You watch the weather man on TV turn into some green
slime and then pop like a bubble..
Your bottom lip begin to drip down on your big toe
and you notice that the cat has run off with your
breasts..The mailman knocks on your door and when you
answer he's nothing but a skull with snakes running
through his eye sockets
You vomit in his face and he thanks you..but still delivers
the mail..
Soon the hounds of hell are tearing your house apart
and their salva is an acid burning holes though the sidwalk..
Vultures with hellish screeches and wings seventy feet wide
begin snatching up bedazed towns people and soaring them up
into clouds of fiery ash
More mutants rise from the dead and grow wings
Flying at sonic speeds..
You begin to feel your body change into deaths
breakfast
You have become super strong and you run down the street
and rip the neighborhood bully's head off just for kicks..
The earth splits in half and you ride into deep space on what was left of your peaceful habitat
The world is now only 300 feet wide and a confused duck along with your mother-in-law blazes into the
eternal night
The moon? Gone.
Your new lawn mower? Zip
The hot chick chick you were
dating? She's history.
Welcome to 2012!
On December 15,2012 it's all going
down..
At 7:00am. when you walk out to your
front porch to pick up the morning
paper in your slippers the sky will
be an errie red..
You won't think to much of it til you
hear strange sounds getting louder from
beyond the hill..
You shut your door and peer through the
keyhole and you can make out strange
creatures bounding accross the fields..
Hundreds of them..no..thousands..
In a minute you can make out the forms
charging like lighting..
They are vicious hounds from hell with
red eyes and dripping saliva blood..
Suddenly, a clap of thunder shakes the
earth and lighting splits your neighbors
house in two..
You notice that a few of your neighbors
have begun to drag the streets like zombies
and their eyes have been burnt out of their
heads..
You run to the phone to call your husband at
work but the line is dead..and so is he.
Meteorites begin pounding the earth and hail
stones weighing 700 pounds are crushing
buildings like match boxes..
The earth has shifted off it's axis and the sun's
radiation is burning all plant life like tinder..
The moon has cracked apart and the stars are exploding in violent colors
People are coming up out of their graves and trying
to sell you a life insurance policy with low premiums..
You watch the weather man on TV turn into some green
slime and then pop like a bubble..
Your bottom lip begin to drip down on your big toe
and you notice that the cat has run off with your
breasts..The mailman knocks on your door and when you
answer he's nothing but a skull with snakes running
through his eye sockets
You vomit in his face and he thanks you..but still delivers
the mail..
Soon the hounds of hell are tearing your house apart
and their salva is an acid burning holes though the sidwalk..
Vultures with hellish screeches and wings seventy feet wide
begin snatching up bedazed towns people and soaring them up
into clouds of fiery ash
More mutants rise from the dead and grow wings
Flying at sonic speeds..
You begin to feel your body change into deaths
breakfast
You have become super strong and you run down the street
and rip the neighborhood bully's head off just for kicks..
The earth splits in half and you ride into deep space on what was left of your peaceful habitat
The world is now only 300 feet wide and a confused duck along with your mother-in-law blazes into the
eternal night
The moon? Gone.
Your new lawn mower? Zip
The hot chick chick you were
dating? She's history.
Welcome to 2012!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Jan 2012
About this poem:
Uh..lol
The Horse from the Course (challenge)
'Twas a curious horse of course
who ran round amok with great force
He had on his blinders
and rolled on his hinders
Cuz he'd crashed the mini-golf course~
who ran round amok with great force
He had on his blinders
and rolled on his hinders
Cuz he'd crashed the mini-golf course~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Jan 2011
About this poem:
Hmm... use this box to tell about your poem-What it's about - a limerick(I think- it says a limerick can be a nonsense poem of 5 lines)
why I wrote it - b/c I like to be silly sometimes(& I've been told I should write a poem, tho I don't agree LOL)
how I was feeling at the time - ambivalent... but brave for Dog(It's a Dog's Life poem)
looney
I Could be a couple shades shy of a
colorful palette,
A few grapes short of a full fruit salad,
I dig in my picnic basket,
But there's no sandwich,
Perhaps a posse of people less
than a populated planet,
Playing the game but don't know the score,
Excuse me sir..,
this elevator doesn't go
all the way to the top floor,
Not the sharpest tool in the shed
or knife in the drawer,
Like the lights are on ,
but no one answers the door,
Bloody bats in the belfry,
Some screws are loose,
The ice tray is missing a few ice cubes,
My Happy Meal has half its fries,
Seems all the stars aren't in my sky,
Or just one star is missing from my trek,
Heck ,I guess I'm not playing with a full deck...
colorful palette,
A few grapes short of a full fruit salad,
I dig in my picnic basket,
But there's no sandwich,
Perhaps a posse of people less
than a populated planet,
Playing the game but don't know the score,
Excuse me sir..,
this elevator doesn't go
all the way to the top floor,
Not the sharpest tool in the shed
or knife in the drawer,
Like the lights are on ,
but no one answers the door,
Bloody bats in the belfry,
Some screws are loose,
The ice tray is missing a few ice cubes,
My Happy Meal has half its fries,
Seems all the stars aren't in my sky,
Or just one star is missing from my trek,
Heck ,I guess I'm not playing with a full deck...
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Apr 2014
About this poem:
Crazy?... Why does everyone keep saying that?!A drunkards poem #2
Once a pun a TIm e.. ¥
2
+9
= 4
ANy wa y. On ce a pond a t ime
a wom@n went to
LIVE I n thE woods
She ESCAPED from the IRS.. $
She said thE IRS was a Whore$
She traveled dow n a Narrow path
And a green Chicken chewed on
h er shoe strinG@
BUT WHO CARES AnyWay????
Then it rained cats
AND DOgs, and she
Ate them All!
Amen
2
+9
= 4
ANy wa y. On ce a pond a t ime
a wom@n went to
LIVE I n thE woods
She ESCAPED from the IRS.. $
She said thE IRS was a Whore$
She traveled dow n a Narrow path
And a green Chicken chewed on
h er shoe strinG@
BUT WHO CARES AnyWay????
Then it rained cats
AND DOgs, and she
Ate them All!
Amen
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Jun 2014
Post Comment
The BIG 60th
Well ive just gone from nought to sixty in record time.
I guess the old engine’s still doing fine;
Got a few dents and scrapes
On the body work, mind,
But they can be covered up
Real easy, I find.
My N.C.T. cert says I’m good to go,
For about another year or so.
That's barring any accidents or shunts of course
As the old vintage models,
Tend to come off worse.
But anyway, I still think I’ve got what it takes
As I cruise along life’s highways, throwing shapes,
All decked out, in my leather and chrome
And yeah, well, maybe the odd groan!
Ah yes, you can’t beat the staying power,
Of the older model.
Just listen to that growl, as you open the throttle
Built for comfort, built to last
And on a good day
Still pretty fast.
Not like those fly by nights, of today
All plastic and rubber and tinted glass,
Flashing at every mini they pass.
They got no style no flair, no panache
So here’s to the next ten years on the road,
Unless of course I start to corrode,
Because then I’ll become part
Of the next scrappage scheme,
Or worse still, be dismembered
And sold sight unseen.
Oh God! The worry, it never ceases.
Why can’t they just let me...
RUST in pieces.
I guess the old engine’s still doing fine;
Got a few dents and scrapes
On the body work, mind,
But they can be covered up
Real easy, I find.
My N.C.T. cert says I’m good to go,
For about another year or so.
That's barring any accidents or shunts of course
As the old vintage models,
Tend to come off worse.
But anyway, I still think I’ve got what it takes
As I cruise along life’s highways, throwing shapes,
All decked out, in my leather and chrome
And yeah, well, maybe the odd groan!
Ah yes, you can’t beat the staying power,
Of the older model.
Just listen to that growl, as you open the throttle
Built for comfort, built to last
And on a good day
Still pretty fast.
Not like those fly by nights, of today
All plastic and rubber and tinted glass,
Flashing at every mini they pass.
They got no style no flair, no panache
So here’s to the next ten years on the road,
Unless of course I start to corrode,
Because then I’ll become part
Of the next scrappage scheme,
Or worse still, be dismembered
And sold sight unseen.
Oh God! The worry, it never ceases.
Why can’t they just let me...
RUST in pieces.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Jan 2014
About this poem:
Hi, This is a bit of fun on my Big 60th B/day.Not looking for any B/wishes or anything.
Belly Dance (quite the challenge)
For my working out routine
On bellydancing I am keen!
Can I swivel, can I sway?
Yes, I've got that part, okay.
'Tis my arms that need follow
or this dance shall ring too hollow.
Graceful, lithe and smooth...
I'll eventually find that groove.
I'll strive to keep at it, yes!
Working hard to do my best.
As I'm moving, I do wonder
Should my man come in from yonder
Will he glance at my dance,
will it put him in a trance?
Oh, dear, I do fear!
This distraction I did ponder,
it has made me twirl asunder.
Now in vain's my dream so dear
For I've fallen on my rear....
On bellydancing I am keen!
Can I swivel, can I sway?
Yes, I've got that part, okay.
'Tis my arms that need follow
or this dance shall ring too hollow.
Graceful, lithe and smooth...
I'll eventually find that groove.
I'll strive to keep at it, yes!
Working hard to do my best.
As I'm moving, I do wonder
Should my man come in from yonder
Will he glance at my dance,
will it put him in a trance?
Oh, dear, I do fear!
This distraction I did ponder,
it has made me twirl asunder.
Now in vain's my dream so dear
For I've fallen on my rear....
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Aug 2014
About this poem:
On my recent trip back from the U.S., I did manage to bring back my Bellydance workout DVD, my portable DVD player & even another voltage converter...So this challenge is quite timely --& I've managed to get to just the start of the arm & hand movements... & the ending on this poem is fictional(I hope..)
MY only GUY..at night..:")
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
When I first met him, I loved him,
I couldn’t take my eyes off of him,
He got me by his entire look,
His superb body, I got hook,
He didn’t smile, maybe he was just shy,
But I know he is the one, my guy.
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
Time will tell, and days go by,
When I'm with him, I want him to be mine,
His soft skins I can't deny,
He warms me, he makes me smile,
If he left me, I could die,
If I lost him, I could never survive,
I’m so deeply in love, my guy.
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
I am who I am when I’m with him,
He stays with me when everything turns dim,
I can do load things, I please,
I can fart and I can sneeze,
I can belch, I can snore,
He never said, ‘No, not anymore’.
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
I swear no matter what come may,
I will think of him every day,
I will date him every night,
I will touch him, I will hug him tight,
He will be the one, my only knight,
‘Mr. Pillow’ you have my plight.
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
LOL
When I first met him, I loved him,
I couldn’t take my eyes off of him,
He got me by his entire look,
His superb body, I got hook,
He didn’t smile, maybe he was just shy,
But I know he is the one, my guy.
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
Time will tell, and days go by,
When I'm with him, I want him to be mine,
His soft skins I can't deny,
He warms me, he makes me smile,
If he left me, I could die,
If I lost him, I could never survive,
I’m so deeply in love, my guy.
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
I am who I am when I’m with him,
He stays with me when everything turns dim,
I can do load things, I please,
I can fart and I can sneeze,
I can belch, I can snore,
He never said, ‘No, not anymore’.
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
I swear no matter what come may,
I will think of him every day,
I will date him every night,
I will touch him, I will hug him tight,
He will be the one, my only knight,
‘Mr. Pillow’ you have my plight.
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
LOL
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Feb 2011
About this poem:
I'm so in love , I'm soooooo in loooove with you...Mr. Pillo---w lol"Shove Off"
When your day seems long and your patience is short...
When everything seems wrong and you want to abort...
When listening to a new song that just makes you snort...
When you hear about King Kong and think it's a sport... Shove Off!
When life delivers a myriad of obstacles to hard to endure,
and your doctor recommends that you take a case of Ensure... Shove Off!
When 'getting up' for work is tougher than the work you're to do,
and looking in a mirror leaves you asking whose looking at you... Shove Off!
When you feel like a walk through cold pouring down rain,
sounds better than a soothing hot shower to ease your pain.... Shove Off!
When a friend or your partner or even your dear loving child,
asks a simple favor of you and you're tempted to go wild.... Shove Off!
There's a cruise ship docked somewhere prepared...
for a passenger like you, who of life is now scared...
You'll never know the relief of agony you'll be spared...
Until you board that ship with your sea nostrils flared...."Shove Off!"
BON VOYAGE!
When everything seems wrong and you want to abort...
When listening to a new song that just makes you snort...
When you hear about King Kong and think it's a sport... Shove Off!
When life delivers a myriad of obstacles to hard to endure,
and your doctor recommends that you take a case of Ensure... Shove Off!
When 'getting up' for work is tougher than the work you're to do,
and looking in a mirror leaves you asking whose looking at you... Shove Off!
When you feel like a walk through cold pouring down rain,
sounds better than a soothing hot shower to ease your pain.... Shove Off!
When a friend or your partner or even your dear loving child,
asks a simple favor of you and you're tempted to go wild.... Shove Off!
There's a cruise ship docked somewhere prepared...
for a passenger like you, who of life is now scared...
You'll never know the relief of agony you'll be spared...
Until you board that ship with your sea nostrils flared...."Shove Off!"
BON VOYAGE!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: May 2011
About this poem:
I think taking a cruise would be a GRAND WAY to experience a bit of change from the mundane, day in, day out routine of life and all the hurdles that come with it!! Never been on one myself, but would sure enjoy the experience! Especially since I don't know the guy looking at me in the mirror anymore!! Anyone want to take me on a cruise with them? :-)Poems entered on these pages are copyrighted by the authors who entered them. They cannot be reproduced without the author's written consent. © Copyright 2001-2024. All rights reserved.
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