Most Commented Humor Poems (1,865)

I'd rather dip summer
rainbows in my coffee
than put on old man
winters coat~

I'd rather Mr. Frosty
have a melt down and
let me go fishing in
my boat~

I'd rather my thermastat
say 90 than 45 below~

I'd rather be swimming at
bikini beach than shovel
this foot of snow~

Wish old man winter would
chill just once so I can
warm up this old house~

Cause if he had to pay
my electric bill he'd be
on the next train south~

You and me and apricot wine
The memories still so very fine
Lips like sweet fruit on the vine
Just you, me and apricot wine

A glass of nectar from the gods
Made us happy like drunken sods
Danced swiftly from room to room
Happening to stop in the bedroom

You and me and apricot wine
Kissed your lips as I was inclined
Just you, me and apricot wine
Made love not so totally refined

Another glass my ravishing dear
My selfish intent now quite clear
Oh what the heck did you say?
In the bedroom we should stay!

You and me and apricot wine
Feeling happy, feeling fine
Arm in arm and your lips on mine
Just you, me and apricot wine

No outside world to complain
No evil intent ever to explain
You and me and apricot wine
We three had a wonderful time

You and me and apricot wine
Next morning not quite so inclined
A horrible feeling I'm resigned
Just you, me and ... no more apricot wine!

Your gorgeous features within my dreams are cast,
as the winds of love climb like a sail upon my mast.
Two frustrated lovers floating both within a dream,
wishing to bring to life, dreamt moments so serene.

You, there in a very distant Country so very far away,
whilst I claim my home here in the West of the USA.
Chances are, we'll never have the privilege to actually meet,
so let's agree to dream of passion and love so very sweet.

When I awake, I slowly turn to face where you once were,
refusing to open wide my eyes, preferring that sleepy blur.
That blurry place between imagination and stark reality,
where still I feel and smell your body lying close to me.

When finally from that cozy blur, mind and heart detached,
I'm left a victim of robbery, my love from me was snatched.
Then it hits me like a ton of bricks and I only want to scream,
an overdose of Saccharine caused this sweet Schmaltzy dream!

Life is tough..
I mean really, how much
can a human really endure?
I was cut off in traffic
at 7:00 am..
Stuck in traffic, a policeman
glanced over at me and stared
deeply into my eyes
I knew instantly that he knew
I had over due library books
from the fifth grade..
He yanked me out of my car
totally furious that a miserable
scoundrel like me was even
walking the streets..
He called for back up and a dozen
cops stormed the scene..
They ran a check on me and sure
enough my old elementary school
confirmed that I had in fact not
returned as many as 34 books..
I was rushed downtown and handcuffed
to five other hardened criminals
who also cursed the day of my birth..
One cop had to be restrained from
shooting me because one of the books I hadn't
returned was 'The Silly Duck Who Could,' and
he had searched for that book for his own
little girl..
Arriving at the jail I was thrown into
a damp cell where I could only see the
outline of a big fat man mumbling stuff
like, 'I'm gonna make you talk white boy..'
He had a big stick in his hand that had
thick nails sticking out..
I spit in his eye in total defiance saying,
'You slops will never get 'The Silly Duck
Who Could..'
Professionals were flown in from the east
and carved a piece of my ear off and made
a tomato sandwich out of it, but I was not
moved..
The CIA was called in a promised to beat the
living Duck out of me, but nay my dear friends,
I was not dismayed..
And in the midst of this terrible tale you may
be wondering from whence comes my strength..
Because..It's almost..
FRIDAY!!

Ever tried self hypnotism?
C’mon, look past that layer of cynicism,
See the reflection,
Practice a little self collection.
Forget the deep creases in your forehead,
The spot to the left of your nose,
Just look into your eyes,
You’re not here to straighten your hair,
Or strike a pose.
That’s it!….
Straight into those big beautiful eyes,
Past all the acting, self deception, and lies,
Great…Now we’re getting there,
Feeling relaxed?
Deeper and deeper,
Know that.....
You are now both the watcher and the watched,
That….You are your own keeper!
Know that, you are getting it right,
Dare to look down that dark tunnel,
See the light!
You’ll get there, you know that you will,
Now…Hold that thought for a moment….
Stay perfectly still….
I am going to count to three….
And when I click my fingers, I will be awake,
Be back to me!

Jeeves! Look who’s returned with the cart
Hey, it’s Dolly!! She’s squeezing the filling into that tart!
It looks all ripe with extra bananas and cream
Keep licking there and she’s liable to scream!

Dolly’s buns are in dire need of a spread!
Place the Admiral in the oven! Watch him rise like bread!!
Stir real slowly!! Hitting all sides with the crème!
Careful!! It’s slippery and beginning to steam!!

Tastes mighty gooey, dipped in warm apple pie
Steady there Admiral! Don’t let it hit her in the eye!
Dolly, turn down the heat! He’s ready to blow!!
The cream horn's all moist and raring to go!

Knead right here, make it juicy and pliant!!
Can’t take much more of this pounding excitement!!
The Admiral’s éclair’s stuffed between snug lips
As the filling erupts and heads straight to her hips!

…
Hi All, this is a very serious story, but I tried to make it as a poem. :"( So, please feel free to read. :"( --- SaS

.............................................................................................................

I have a secret
I have a very secret
I haven’t told anyone yet
And if I told, you’d shock I bet
I’d rather keep it as ‘my forever secret’
…
Yet,
Everyone here is so nice to me
Everyone here is so kind to me
Everyone here makes me feel so happy
Then I believe you would accept ‘my secret’ finally
…
Are you ready?
…
…
oh
I can't ... tell
even if I wanna yell...
please don't tell me go to hell
and do not laugh if I tell
…
ok…..

well....

My secret is that,
…
I am not a lady! :"(
…
I NEVER told I am a lady!
I always said I am a MONKEY >_<
and …. No, I’m not a FEMALE monkey >_<
I am a MALE monkey >_<
hmmm....
I was a male actually
…
And I wish I was sexy
That’s why I’ve done surgery
It’s called SRS surgery
search Google you will find its meaning definitely
…
I am SO sorry everybody :"(
I am crying madly :"(
I am SOO SORRRY :"(
The following is my story :"(
…
When I was around nineteen or twenty
I really really wanna be a missy
I wanted to have big breasts with big hips really
And that, I’ve undergone SRS finally
Or it’s known as Male to Female surgery
…
Again, I am so sorry ;'(
I’m so sorry everybody
…

For guys => please don’t fall for me :'(
For girls => please understand me :'(
I am begging and saying SORRY :'(
to all of you!!! :'(
…
…
I really am sorry ;'(
…
(END)
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P.S.
Are you shocked?
Are you okay?
I didn’t mean to surprise you this way
Do you remember what day is it today??
…
…
…
…

YEAHHHHHHH ,

(((( HAPPY APRIL FOOL’s DAY )))))

yippppeeeeee))) LOL

1 APRIL 2011, Bkk, Thailand

First…A single knock…Then two,
He’s here at last,
Ghost finder extraordinaire,
Fred Aloitious Prenderghast.
He’s a sort of spirit “Google”,
Know’s what’s what and who is who,
It’s even said…He has a direct line,
To….Shhh…You know who!
Don’t get me wrong,
He doesn’t exorcise and banish,
The last thing he would want to do,
Would be to make a loved one vanish.
He’s got potions, precious metals and powders,
Even a velvet cloaked crystal ball,
Though if you were to look into it,
You would only see you as a bloated reflection, that’s all.
He loves his spells and effects,
All his doings,
If you were to ask nicely,
He would even give you a tour of Pompeii’s ghostly ruins,
But, how does he do it all?
You may very well ask!
It’s not your average job,
No mean task!
I bet no other living man could tell you,
No priest, nor pastor,
Neither will have the faintest idea,
An inkling of the answer.
Just look through last century’s who’s who,
It’s placed up there on the shelf,
And from it you may surmise…..Fred Aloitious Prenderghast….
Is…No longer of this world,
And, resides on the “Other side”, Himself!

---- IMAGE REMOVED because photobucket.com no longer allows embedded images ----

Hot milk cake with cream cheese icing,
All baked up, ready for slicing.
No boxed mix, this is all from scratch,
Homemade batter in one big batch.

Eggs and milk and sugar and flour,
Just mixin' it up took me an hour.
Baking powder and vanilla,
Please turn the oven on will ya'?

Half an hour to bake it then,
Set on the rack to cool again.
That aroma that fills the air,
Can't resist it's ev'rywhere.

Cream cheese and butter, creamed up good,
Powdered sugar sift, just like it should.
Then some cocoa, vanilla too,
Stir it a while and mix it through.

Plate the cake and frost with care,
Made quite enough with some to spare.
The cake is made, that was my goal,
Just need someone to lick the bowl.

Trudged outside to drive to work
Warmed the car and applied some torque
Wheels spinning and going nowhere
Except downwards until I didn't care

Seems I'm stuck I saddly lamented
A mild spell made snow soft I vented
What should I do now I thought
Phone in to work and explain I ought

Whatever will I do with myself today
For in my house I am forced to stay
Well I'll happily while away the hours
Go to PC before my disposition sours

A happy place where I may jest and fun
Somewhere they laugh at my bad puns
A place where people always lend a hand
No buried heads in the pages or the sand

A wondrous place of creativity and mirth
Simply not like any other on this earth
Where kindness and sympathy abides
Understanding as constant as the tides

A place where the sun is always shining
They gladly listen to my constant wining
A place where people are reaching out
Sanctuary where I can scream and shout

Now that I've got your attention
Glorified all as helpful by intention
Do you consider it less than absurb
Could you all push my car past the curb??