Most Commented Humor Poems (1,865)

If men were like clothing I could just go to the store
And pick me one.
Try it on before walking out of the store
to make sure it fit just right
And I felt like it complimented me.
If men were like clothing it would be so easy.
When in the mood I could take it out
And dance the night away.
Or stick it in a drawer and let it stay
Till I was ready to wear it once more.
If men were like shoes that would be great.
When they had been with me awhile they would fit me best.
But if they hurt my toes I could throw them out
In the garbage with the rest.
But when I think about the store.
I know how long I have looked for just the right belt.
So I really would not be in any better shape than I was before.
Besides I have to wash and take care of my clothes.
But I can iron out the wrinkles.
So I am just glad men are men and I do not have to go to the store.

Heavens to Murgatroyd
Heavens to Betsy
a gentle expletive
I'll swear if you'll let me

Oh fudge
Oh fiddle
Oh darn
Oh gosh
'tis most satisfying
To swear with panache

Oh bother
Oh shucks
I'm annoyed at this thing
Oh WTF
I'll swear a whole string

of curses profane
to help keep me in sane
I'll cuss a short oath
or maybe do both

It'll make me feel better
to utter dissatisfaction
an' follow the letter
won't offer retraction

to swear might be blasphemy
just like a demon inside
and possibly the last of me
but I'll say it with pride

so when all's said 'n done
I'll breath a sigh of relief
and holster my verbal gun
having cussed a colorful motif

© agoodguy2have 2010-10-15

The Scotsman

Well, a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar one evening fair,
And one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share.
He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet,
And he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.

About that time two young and lovely girls just happend by,
One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye:
"See yon sleeping Scotsman, so strong and handsome built?
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt!"

They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be;
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see.
And there, behold, for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt,
Was nothin' more than God had graced him with upon his birth.

They marvelled for a moment, then one said: "We must be gone.
Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow,
Around the bonnie star the Scotsman's kilt did lift and show.

Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call, and stumbled towards the trees.
Behind the bush he lifts his kilt, and gawks at what he sees.
And in a startled voice he says, to what's before his eyes,
"Oh, lad I don't know where ye been, but I see ye won first prize!"

Slowly, every so slowly.
Moving slightly then stopping.
Then again and moans escape.
God, it's sooooo long and hard.
Yes... Oh yes, it'll make you crazy.
Oh... Oh God it's so hot!
Squirming, moving around
Head turning right and left
Roaring in the ears
The pace quickens
Slowing down again...
Not yet... no, not yet.
Not fast, not hurried
Such slow torture
Nerves fired up
Ready to explode
Yeah, well up yours, pal.
Bastage cut me off.
Rush hour commute on I-95 in summer.

Hushed conversation,
Dip blotting paper in ink……
Roll into ball,
Load…(Position at top of ruler),
….Target sighted!…..
Twenty degrees, elevation,
Right, right, right…….Stop!
Tension….and…..Loose!
…..SPLATT!…..
Satisfaction,
Later, outside headmaster’s office,
Deflation!

The jester is a clever one,
Though a fool, as some may say.
At your expense he has his fun,
With your mind he makes his play.

He will jibe and jape at you,
With his mocking, clever wit.
And he will run you through and through.
With his sword each nerve will hit.

Don't give him the satisfaction,
Of causing your rile to raise.
He'll only take counter-action,
Make another fire to blaze.

So take it on your funny bone,
Allow him to have his fun.
Then later get him all alone,
Shoot him with your widdle gun.

A ranch-farmer down in Las Cruces
Instead of fat cattle, raised gooses
His cowboys all quit
'Cause they just couldn't git
The gooses to stay in their nooses.

A couple of seventeen piercings
Just seven on your face...you've said,
So tall,so breit shoulders
Oh God..that's make you so..MAN.

No matter your words
Voice is so warm, masculin,
No bother about greedy eyes
I swim in their sharp green.

I care nothing about smile
Diamond shine revealed on teeth
Your lips drive me crazy
The Earth is mouving so..fast.

It's nothing wrong about you
It's something strange about me
I even don't think to feel guilty
Why do you smile?

It's cold and dark, a frightful night
There's cause for worry and fear
Check under the bed; leave on the light
There's danger lurking oh so near.
We've enemies that prowl and lurk
And dwell in places high.
Disasters now, they are no quirk.
And we're all gonna die.
There's evilness afoot, you see
Conspiracies galore.
One world order is soon to be
They're just outside your door.
So put the tinfoil in your hat.
Lock doors and windows, too.
Youtube links will show you that
They're coming now for you.
The governments are in cahoots
They want you poor and broke
And if you're quaking in your boots
You know that it's no joke.
If you see Sarah Palin run
It's sure as hell you betcha.
There's nowhere safe under the sun
Illuminati's gonna getcha!

A lesson to adults from a six year old
This child wasn't shy or very bold
She just said her piece and went away
To her every word said was okay

Asked what she hoped to become in future
She answered "I can't dictate to nature,
Since I am a girl I guess I will be a woman,
I can't be a horse, a monkey or even a man?"

Try again; what will be your future occupation
This time she answered without hesitation
"Anything I will be doing then, how would I know?
I am no prophet. I would love to be teaching though."

Marriage plans were queried next
And this question got her vex
She replied, "Boys are so boring...
And my dad is always snoring."

With caution the interviewer proceed
He wanted to know how she plans to succeed
With a smile she replied, "from the fruit of course...
Could I get some water please I am hoarse"

She left behind many tears in the eyes
And though we had many more hows and whys
She refused to be questioned further
Calling loudly for her mother.