Most Commented Humor Poems (1,865)

Half my food?,
That's a lot of grub,
What...?,
Now I'm sharing half my stuff?,
Half my house?,
What's that about?,
I come home to half a couch?
Half my gas goes half as far,
And how do I drive half a car?,
I never was that good at math,
But half my time? ,
My mind...?,
I can't spare that!,
Half a pair is only one shoe!,
No half my things certainly won't do,
Half a towel?,
Now I don't dry,
And how do I get by with half a wipe?,
From half a piece of toilet paper?,
Can I keep my half and pay you later?
Sometimes I want someone to share things with,
Maybe have a relationship,
But I factor in the arithmetic,
And I'd have to give up half my shit!,
So to find my other half would be halfway neat,
Guess half of me is too stingy...

There he sits
pushing and flexing
perhaps giving birth
to another Texas

He sits in a bathroom stall
holding a pen or knife
staring straight ahead
leaving his work on the wall

this man must have
great ambition in life
to leave his name on the wall
in all the public bathroom stalls

They may scrub his work
to halt his pen
but the outhouse poet
will always strike again

Perhaps one day
they will stop his fate
and leave in the stall
a quart of kaopectate...

A deserted lone island,
away from all strive,
What should I take with me?
A hairbrush.. a knife?

I sat and I pondered,
I mulled with a groan,
for 10 long years stranded..
no computer nor phone!

Then through contemplation,
and the silence around,
I heard a soft whisper,
And a sweet giggling sound.

'What are you still thinking,
you silly weird fool?
Now go in the garden,
grab the seeds and a tool!'

And of course I obeyed,
not much choice in the matter,
whatever I could think off,
that voice it knew better.

So I grabbed me two seed packs,
and a watering can,
then I allowed them to take me,
where even I'd get a tan.

And once they had left,
and I knew it was safe,
I started with planting,
only watched by a wave.

It was an odd garden,
admit this I should..
only mushrooms and beans,
among the palm wood.

But they grew and they thrived,
in the tropical heat,
till a ring they did form
and a beanstalk so neat.

You guess where the stalk led?
Yes of course - to the gym,
where the giant would chase me,
so I'd stay fit and slim!

And when I'd need music,
and dancing and glee,
I'd let the ring take me
to the fairyfolk wee.

Now I am learning the fiddle,
and I have so much fun!
Still got all my friends
AND THE TROPICAL SUN!

Tis the fairytale life,
every princess should see,
but choose your seeds wisely..
or you sleep on a pea....

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away. . . .
There was a Dark side,
and an equally Light side,
With the Force of Universe!

We have Klingon on our tail Captain!
It is illogical to assume their intention as hostile,
Chief Engineer full power to shields and Phaser torpedoes...
To go into battle where no man has done before.

Viper Squadron to Galactica we have multiple Ceylons approaching. . .
Deploy all gun turrets and Battlestation everyone,. . .
Send out Red and Blue Viper Squadrons. . .
Sorry Commander we only have the Mark II squadron on standby. . .

Stardate 201184 we are now entering Prison colony sector Alpha31,
Prepare for landing and recon Marines,
We have an intruder on board the ship, an Alien form,
Do not kill it! I want this creature alive. . .

Humans have been to the point of extermination,
And Skynet has control of the whole planet except a few rebels,
And their fearsome leader one John Conner,
But the T2000 Terminator will be back!

Yesterday was a little dismal and today is still a little gray
But I'm hoping before tomorrow comes that you will stay

We can lay under the moon and look up at the stars
We can talk about how long it takes to fly to mars
Or we don't have to say a word and just meditate on love
Give our bodies to the heavens when hell has had enough
The first second that we met wasn't true romance
She was an angel in the dark so I had to take a chance
You see Ive been searching this whole world just to meet a girl
One who knows the lyrics to my song or one sung by The Cure
Then my compass pointed in her direction when I wasn't searching for affection
I was looking in my wallet to see if I had protection
She was dancing to her own beat- - Letters to Elise
Striped pink and green socks pulled way above her knees
I could see it in her eyes they were different in the light
She wasn't standing in the sun, but I knew she was the one
So I grabbed a shiny dollar, yes a silver dollar
I didn't have any cash just my lucky silver dollar
I held it in my teeth as she came down to me
I dropped it down her top and she kissed me on my cheek
She then said lets get out of here I really hate this atmosphere
I said let me tell my friends while I finish drinking up my beer
We jumped into my truck I said my Porsche is in the shop
She laughed and said that I was funny and she thinks thats really hot
We pulled up to my house and barely made it through the door
She started tearing off my clothes and threw them on the floor
We made our way down the hall bouncing like a ball
Knocking down my family pictures and breaking holes into the walls
I kissed her on her cheek, I kissed her on her head
I kissed her on her navel, and then I kissed her on her neck
I kissed her everywhere, but we never made it to the bed
And when we were laying there breathing this is what I said

Yesterday was a little dismal and today is still a little gray
But I'm hoping before tomorrow comes that you will st..............

The next morning I woke up naked on my rug
There wasn't anybody there just a lot of empty rug
I started looking all around I must of really been knocked out
Because the angel in the dark took everything inside my house
But there was a letter on the counter it said thank you for your truck
You can find it on the highway probably burned up
Just to let you know If things were different I'd want you to be my man
But I had a really great time so you can have your silver dollar back

A real woman:

Who doesn't lust after me simply
for a lock of my hair.

Lol.

Is it Friday yet?

The jokesters among us certainly don't single out a single day at the beginning of April to play their pranks. Here is a list of some "jokes" that have been played on me and other people.

1. Bush winning the election in 2000

2. Milli Vanilli not singing their songs

3. My friend calling up another friend of mine and telling her I'm
dead

4. Being given a horse pill and told it was candy

5. Minimum Wage

6. Walmart

7. Every manager I have ever had

8. Bottled Water

9. Kathy Lee Gifford singing

10. Michael Jackson's Bad album cover photo

11. Drew Barrymore flashing David Letterman

12. Jimmy Kimmel's I ate your Halloween candy youtube challenge

13. My noisy neighbors and nosy landlord

14. The Federal Reserve

15. Edward G. Robinson in the Ten Commandments

We were just teenagers when you
told me your secret
I wish you never had..
Standing in your mothers kitchen
your eyes lit up when you described
what you had found and you grabbed
me and made me swear that I'd
never reveal the secret
When your mother passed away many
started asking questions and you feared
that your secret might soon be discovered,
and so important was it to you that you
vowed to destroy anyone who might steal
your treasured find
Who would have guessed that things would
have been taken this far, but here I hide and
the barking of police dogs threaten to close
in on me
The first to fall was the mailman who seemed
a bit to clever in his manner of questioning
and you persuaded me to dispose of his
body in a neighbors trunk
Then there was your uncle followed by your
aunt and the bodies began to pile up til the
local landfill authorities began to close in
on us
We were over our heads with no turning
back
The newspapers heard about the secret
and we had to bury reporter after reporter
til your backyard had no space to contain
the bodies
The number of the dead was competing
with the local cemetery and eventually
the law caught up with us
The dogs now closing in on me I came
out of hiding with my hands raised
After hours of interrogation the cops
finally broke me
What was the great secret?
Just before your mother passed away
you had found her secret recipe for
baking apple pies and now it was yours
to keep
Perhaps that old saying is true after all..
'There's nothing sweeter than moms
apple pie.' Lol

Ode to Online Dating Sites:

This entity we call dating "online"
Is designed to make us really feel "fine"
But in the larger reality
It may be a form of insanity
We all truly believe it's ok
So we practice everyday

Desiring to make that perfect connection
We have no phone to even hear a voice inflection
It takes a certain amount of conviction
To focus and contemplate our selection
No one wants any rejection only attention
So our minds begin the process of introspection
And that one beautiful exception

Are we holding out for perfection?
Or just dreading a disconnection!
This online dating is like an infection
At some point we may need an inoculation
But not before you complete that chemistry section!
So we know we're heading in the right direction

If we live too far
That may be deal breaker
We don't want to use our car
Because one of us could be a faker
I guess people do get together
In, I presume, all kinds of weather
It all seems so surreal

To believe a profile can appeal
To the one you seek for the rest of your life
Whether it be a husband or a wife
Here's to online dating - "cheers"
I am so glad we are all here!


Wiggle your mouse and contact someone special
It won't be that awful or too stressful
There's always "delete"
So you don't have to repeat
Any mistakes on your way to success
Let's all be very extra careful
And hope we get to that next level!

my dreams are Tainted
by the force of my storms
Scattered upon
the Glittering stars
which only
the Fragrant blooms can match
and upon my grave
a heavy Cross worn and weathered
tasteless as the sense
of my Mortal soul
Lost I am
upon the ripples of the ocean
where lay upon the shore
a Temptress, waiting
but can't make me Sin no more