Most Commented Humor Poems (1,865)

Peg Leg Pete was a pirate.
He wasn't very good.
Tried to steal a treasure chest,
at least he thought he could.
Crept into that cavern
where Blackbeard had it stored.
Hurt his back when he picked it up
then felt old Blackbeards sword.
First he lost his left leg,
then his arm was severed through.
Buried on that golden beach,
He pondered what to do.
Blackbeard had him buried
in sand up to his neck
The evening tide came in at him
he was a nervous wreck.
A little parrot saw his head
and thought it was a stump.
Crapped on it and blinded Pete
old Blackbeard said "Hurrumph!"
No fun to drown a blind man
who can't see the water rise!
So Blackbeard
thought of something else
another wee surprise.
He tied him to the cannon port
spread eagle facing in,
lit the fuse on the cannon
then Pete began to grin.
He stuck his head in the cannons mouth
and when it went Kaboom,
It blew Blackbeard to kingdom come!
"Now would I lie to You ?"

There was an old boy from East Grinstead
Who said "I'll disgracefully grow older instead"
Of joining some Club
Where the members all blub
About having to gargle with Rinstead.

Here is a story of a man fooled
Because by his heart he was ruled
He met a girl half his age
In his life she took centre stage
She was young and beautiful as a flower
So on her his attentions he shower

But he quite forgot because he was old
Not everything that glitter is gold
He denied her nothing no matter what
After all his bank account was fat
She got her house, car and loads of money
Even when lies trip from her tongue like honey

So when she came to him with tears in her eyes
He believed every word in her well planned lies
Her cousin he helped to move in her abode
His truck carried most of the load
He sported cousin dear around town
Never knowing he was been played like a clown

It was a rainy Monday afternoon in May
An unscheduled visit he decided to pay
He opened her door without a knock
And almost died of shock
Because what he saw on the living room floor
Had him racing back through the front door

His mind is still adjusting to the scene
Though he still doesn't believe it was his queen
That laid naked on the floor writhing in passion
Screaming and moaning in the arms of another man
The man he had come to know as her cousin dear
Was another lion he supported in is own lair

In past fabled lands did noblemen rob
The humble peasants of their flocks and sheep
Stealthily at night rode the black masked mob
On dark stallions while the village did sleep

Searching the bottomland of Gimmemoor
Led by a young knight this den of thieves
Caught in the act with such deeds so impure
Shamefully such nobility conceives

Leading the charge in galavanting style
Weapons drawn against men cut down to shreds
The brave people fought back once in a while
As commoners conquered the purebreads

Such as the past is the present my friend
Be not fooled when high and mighty pretend

I look into the garden and what do I see
A beautiful array of flowers all smiling at me
Always a work in progress so worth while
The sweet smell makes me want to smile

My favorite flower of all you do ask
So hard to choose what a task
So I will simply tell the truth the way I see
So lean close where I can whisper it to thee

The kind that makes all feel at home
A smell that makes your problems gone
Still depending on seasons but always on the rise
Come here this is where my flour lies

Here in the kitchen is the flour of my heart
Bringing happiness as lips touch a tart
Soothing soups it can make
Hot fresh bread I will bake

If your ever kneading a lift in life
Smell cakes baking to rid the strife
Gravy covering breaded meats
Oh I love my flour it is just so sweet

I strive to be like the flour of the homes domain
To fill the people whose lives I see in pain
With comfort and love and warmth to all
Flower to flour each has its own call

I've been hi-jacked..
My mind invaded..
Assaulted by an outside
force
Have suctioned cupped
aliens from Mars rented
out my brain?
I suspect this is true.
I hear voices in the night
taunting me that an invasion
is imminent
I've been given an ultimatum:
A humanoid is to be crossbred
with the Mars pagent queen
(Suction cup Betty),and a whole
new race of suctionoids are
to florish throughout the
universe.
My choice was simple the voice
warned:
'Either be betrothed to Suction
cup Betty, or face the extinction
of the human race..'
What shall I do?
I pose this question to my
poet friends:
Shall I take this fateful
trip to Mars and spawn a
new race of suctionoids(with
Betty who is also known as the
methane momma),or shall we
just go ahead and and lazer zap
the whole bunch of these Martian
crazies?
I humbly await your reply~

I walked to the throne and said "Hi, King!"
But he turned out to be a viking.
He spoke not, instead
He chopped off my head,
As it fell didn't I just say "Striking!"

I have been gone,
For so very long,

Dont know what is being done,
Can not tell ,what is so very wrong,

Am I weak or am I too strong?
Can not believe ,i am still alone,

I am just moving along,
Until I hit on a massive gong!

A dance for you,
In twilight zone. . .

As I sing for you a duet song.
I will buy clothes for you from billabong.

Just please do not wear a thong!
Or I will go and play ping pong,

That is it Folks
So long ....

Here it is!
Now you can join our
12 step program and
truly learn how to win
a maidens heart..

Sir knight of Trotters
Field will teach you to
scoop a maiden up on our
finest white stallion, but
baby steps first:
You'll first train to ride
a mallard duck, a wild boar,
a rehabiltated crippled
chicken, and finally you'll
learn to sweep a manikin
maiden off it's feet on a
camel that turned up 'missing'
from an undisclosed zoo
You'll learn to sharpen your
sword using the saliva from
a rare island lizzard
You'll use our special 'chest
hair' chant to dispell any
wizzard curse
Learn to prepare Maiden Purfume
from the sweat of conquered
warriors
And a favorite among maidens
is when you purchase the Golden
Feather..a real tickler!
This and much, much more when
at the completion of this course
you'll receive the patch of the
Golden Knight..
Act now and avoid the holiday
rush..
You'll be glad you did!

Yankee doodle came to town,
Riding on a pony.
Stop by a pretty troll,
asking him for a penny

Yankee doodle took a bow,
And handed her the money.
What is that you're riding on ? Is it call a Pixar donkey ?

No ma'am you're wrong,
That's my trusted pony!