Most Commented Humor Poems (1,865)

A thousand steps
walking a crooked fence
while holding a
crooked cane to
do the crooked mile.
For as he does it
you do see a smile.
For the crooked man
does have his way
to say i have
the crooked blues.
Won't you come
and join me too.

BING

B A N G
B O N G
BOOOOOOM
bingbangbongboooom
BINGbangBONGboooom
BANGBINGBONGBOOM
BOOM
bing
BaNg
bOOm
bingbang booom bomb
Boombongbang
FE FI FO FUM
fofumfi fe
can you smell the cats toe

I said coffee
I didn't say,
"would you
like to cup
my warm
soft breasts
in your
un-calloused,
long,
tapered,
ringless fingered
hands?"

I said coffee
I didn't say,
"would you
like to
run your tongue
along my neck
just below
my left ear-lobe?"

I said coffee
I didn't say,
"would you
like to
hold me
in your arms
and feel my heart
skip beats
as you press your
hard lean body
up against mine
until I melt
into you
with desire?"

I said coffee
as we stood there
in the jasmine
scented night
my car door
like some modern day
bundling board
separating us,
protecting us
from ourselves
and lust

I said,
"would you
like to go for
a cup of coffee?"
I didn't say,
"would you
like to brush
your lips
across mine
as you move
silently
to bury your face
in my long, silky,
raven black hair?"

But you said,
"I can't
I'm married
I can't trust myself
to be alone
with you."
so I looked you
dead in the eye
and repeated
"I said coffee"

There is woman named Gertrude
She's the world's most closeted prude
I wouldn't be surprised
That she closes her eyes
When bathing she wont see herself nude.

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS ABOUT THE TOILET SEAT - USE THE SINK.

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

To quill I must fly
I need to scribe
put pen to paper
words tumbling out

little sense they make
I score them out
These words, they seethe
such a jumble of thoughts

I stop, I pause,
I think of yore
of famous poets
sadly no more

wonder, yet know
that they too did
anguish over each line
just a seething broth

A jumble, a jumble of words
they tumble over each other
each one fighting to be heard

Come into my barn and shake off the cold
Ne'er mind that old nag all of her neighin'
She's just gettin' near-sighted and little old
And that ol' coon dog when he starts a'bayin'
Pay no attention to 'im he's just playin' bold
If you hear all those timid sheep start bleatin'
It 'cause those dang chickens is gettin' polled
So grab you here this shovel lets start feedin'
Let me show you around to the ol' grain hold
I'll fetch us a few bales of hay 'fo' proceedin'
Don't mind me a' askin' what it was you sold
Plenty time fo' hearin' even if you ain't sayin'
So speak up boy 'cause I haven't got all day
What brings you out this way if you don't say

POEM



POEM

Wanted
Field Surgeon
Must own saw

Wanted
Hat Maker
Must know how to make big top hats

Wanted
Actor
Must be able to leap from balcony and not break leg

Wanted
Soldier
Must be able to shoot and reload in under one minute
Must be able to see the whites in their eyes
Must be able to walk long distances
Must be able to drink lots of whiskey

I desire a lady very mature,
Not flashy, but rather demure.
She should dress with reasonable taste,
And be concerned about her weight.
I'd like her hair be neat and trim,
And have graces deep within.
Kind and gentle should be her traits,
Be on time - and never late.
She'd cook a meal for any king,
The savory is great for everything.
Now girls,don't rush to pound my door,
I know you want to learn some more,
You're so eager with my commands,
Without a doubt you'll love my plans,
You'll be so happy when you find -
I'm completely out of my mind.