Most Commented Humor Poems (1,865)

There once was a man in Askeaton
who didn't care what he was eatin'
So he slowly got fat
'til he swallowed a cat-
Now his stomach is in for a beatin'...

I am a: -uh,Guy
Seeking: -she who wears lipstick, and never gets a run in her nylons
Location: -under a bridge
Last Online: -I think it's now
Height: -13 ft. 9 inches
Body Type: - Greek God
Hair Color: -Samson wine
Eye Color: -Electric shark grey
Ethnicity: - sort of one of everybody
Education: -I once read the cover of a cereal box
Religion: -True believer
Occupation: -Always looking for a good job
Income: -Whatever 'she' doesn't get
Smokes: -Nothing from South America
Drinks: -Motor oil
Marital Status: - She doesn't know where I live
Has Kids: -Yours
Wants Kids: -Yours
Looking For: - My car keys
Sign: - Yes, I'll sign

Just sit back darlin' and
let me patch your walls
Let me tear up that old
rug and rebuild these halls
I can redo that old deck that
is chipped and worn
And replace new wallpaper
all faded and torn
I can lay new tile in coulors
so bright
I'll paint your ceilings and
install new lights
I'll custom build your cabnets
and even apply stain
I'll clean out those pipes and
unclog that drain
And when I put away these tools
and sweep up the mess
Powder that nose and slip into
that dress~

My dear you are so sweet
And always true and faithful
Not once have you let me down
Or not been there for me

Your body smooth and sensuous
My fingers gently caress you
And the aroma that you give off
Sends me straight to heaven

You do not care where we go
You're always there with me
With you I feel like a man
A conqueror of nations

I do not care what others say
You'll always be the only one
On you I can always count
My sweet bottle of rum

I was mowing the lawn
and it made me yawn
I was watching paint dry
and it made me yawn
I was watching baseball on tv
and it made me yawn
I was loading pans in the pan rack
and it made me yawn
I was sitting in church
and it made me yawn
I was standing in line at the supermarket
and it made me yawn
I was golfing behind a foursome of women
and it made me yawn
I was worrying about finances and couldn't sleep
and it made me yawn all day
I saw a person yawn and it made me yawn

I bent down to relieve an irritating itch,
when between my toes my finger went.
Shortly after, I noticed an irritable stench,
from my index finger near my nose's vent.

What to do with a fragrance so very ripe,
stuck upon the finger of my left hand?
Smellin worse than an animal with a stripe,
this 'stuff' that most refer to as 'Toe Jam'.

Don't want to waste it, no that's just not cool,
got to be a way to share it - ain't that right?
No one living around my place to play the fool,
so I share it with my sleeping cat... 'Starlight'.

She noticeably twitches her nose a time or two,
then slowly opens her squinted, sleepy eyes.
Then suddenly with ALL her senses, she comes to,
jumping, twirling and spinning like a cat that flies!

The 'Toe Jam Kitty' did it again! She made me smile,
her glaring eyes piercing back at me upon my bed.
The fun effect she delivers makes it all worth while,
When sharing 'Toe Jam' with her without the bread.

Behold! A new decaf coffee on
the market brewed especially for
the poets 'muse', and packed with
ingredients designed to create a
sobering effect on the overly charged
poetic pen and bringing true cosmic
enightenment..
With this new Zen decaf you'll discover
electrifying truths such as:

Consciousness is the mother of thought
who fathered the seven daughters of
reason and is now paying alimony..

What used to be called, ' mind over matter
turns out to be nothing more than your
long distance call to your 'inner self', only
to discover( to your horror), that your mind
refuses to accept the charges..

Human achievement was dictated by
the dreams of ants that vanished as
the lost coloney of hope..

That stupidity is the wisdom of fools who
"learned more and more about less and
less til they finally knew everything about
nothing..

That if you call in sick to work even your
cat knows you're lying and you'll eventually
end up in a salt mine, with a pick axe, long
white hair, and wearing an eye patch as a
matter of divine retribution..

That the next time the planets line up
and your name begins with, 'C,'' Then
you will most likely be impregnated by
some extraterestrial visitor..

These and many more cosmic truths
can be yours when you sip your way
to immortal wisdom


Buy Zen decaf at your local supermarket..
$5.99 a can

First…..I’m gonna be decisive….No I’m not,
Oh!….What a load of tommy rot,
Looking at the empty page, swimming before me,
Faint words, appearing, disappearing …..So fast,
Obviously…The ghosts of resolutions past,
None, ever meant to be.
Like…Smoking…I could quit,
Through at least one opera sit,
Smarten up, shave every single day,
Oh yes!….Backgammon…Must learn to play,
Or, I could….Stop thinking of things that are probably,
A personal impossibility,
And for the whole of the next year, have fun,
Carry on…Just Being Me!

Poof !

You gotta move faster
than that darlin..'

Follow your
heart...

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HEART
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HEART
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GOTCHA !!!

Tv blaring and keyboard smoking
Time for some PC rhyming and joking
Too warm to sleep or get to Rem state
Writing all night may be my fate

Syllables clutter my scribble sheet screen
Looking for an answer if the question is clean
Nouns, verbs and adjectives clutter my mind
I'll use them masterfully when a subject I find

Clunking away with Letteman in the background
Want a subject that is certainly profound
State of the Nation or Questions of war
Stern words will due when I choose a new star

Civil disobedience to create a new state
But will Cansas spawn tornadoes less heavensent
I'll talk of animals newly evolving spontaneous teeth
Perhaps they can swim and live in the reef

Well now I'm simply getting too silly
I'm getting goofy and want to free willy
My eyelids are getting heavy as I toy with mirth
Put my head down and slide to the earth...........


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