Most Commented Humor Poems (1,865)

Forgive me my friends for what I have done
Of unimaginable horrors I've created
Loneliness drove me relentlessly onwards
To achieve this unholy created abomination

Far into the night I worked so often
Cared not, bright light or gloomy corners
Bits of animals gathered in the forest
Mattered not how long or dead of what they lay

For months I worked assembling pieces
Stitching, sewing, gluing and screwing bits
Ever so slowly the shape made sense
I was almost finished, creating it

Needed lots of power to get it going
Normal electricity was not be enough
Hooked it up to my Ford Mustang
Had an Aston Martin V12 engine

Pushed the pedal hard to the floor
At one eighty creature started shaking
That was good, was almost alive
At two sixty creature fired, it was alive

Hit the skids and came to stop
Creature easily came right up
Took it home but then trouble started
Opened mouth and out it poured

On and on I could not stop it
From it's mouth hurled strange abuse
Change your clothes, your shirt is dirty
Wash the dishes , make the bed

No more beer, you've drunk too much
Why you always watching football
There is so much work outside
Mow the lawn, do the weeding

Now I don't know what to do
I've created, it seems, a monster
It seems that name it I must
So be it, I will call it woman

Called it woman because all the woe
It will bring to us poor men
Though the outside is so gorgeous
Inside is stuffed full of man's woe

So forgive me all my friends
I've loosened this creature on you
And so rapidly it multiplies
Soon it will hold the upper hand

So again I beg forgive me
As I go to the silent grave
Please don't bury a woman near me
Or I'll never hear THE END

The cat ate the cheese that's inside the mouse

A snake ate a shoe with a foot still inside

Sat in a chair that was electrifying

There is wire in the yard but her name is not Barb

He was hung over laying down

He called it quits when he got fired

The grass died when it got cut

Sparky started it caught the whole damn thing on fire

you got mail, go outside and check it
I go back outside and check it
so I go outside and check it
why you check your mail ever ten minutes neighbor ask
the dang computer say's I got mail. so far it's lying to me.

Just for fun..

Ok ladies let us try to strive for a little more accuracy in
our profile descriptions.

REALITY CHECK LIST
____________________

1. A few extra pounds should mean..'a few extra pounds,' but when I see your photo, there you are laying on your kitchen counter 743pounds in a neon thong.

2. You say you're looking for a guy who is sweet and kind but each morning a priest must perform an exorcism on you before your morning breakfast.

3.You say you want a guy who is adventurous but you state that your idea of adventure is hopping down the interstate on a Pogo Stick blindfolded.

4.You want an emotionally healthy relationship but let it slip that the US Army kept you locked in a metal box for 13 years and you have an inordinate love for knives.

5.You want a guy who is 'fit', but you did one push up in the third
grade and that one almost killed you.

6. You want a 'drama free' relationship, which must mean that either you've been walking among the God's, or you simply are not from this planet.

7. You live 100 miles from me and tell me you do not do long distance relationships just to blow me off..but I read in the paper that you've married some head-hunter on Easter Island.

8. You say a man must be at least 5'11" or taller, but you are only 4'3".

9. You say you are not religious but you reveal that in fact you don't even believe in 'nothing yet.'

10. You say your children have 'left the nest', which makes me think I've been flirting with some species of bird.

11. You said that you rather enjoyed 'hunting men', but never revealed that it was with an AK47 assult rifle.

12. You say there's no way you'd go through having children again but would accept mine, which makes me wonder what you did with your children.lol.

13. You say material things don't matter much to you, but when you divorced your hubby you even got his gold tooth and contact lenses.
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I wanna be a mangy
mutt
I wanna chew on
some filthy
bone
I wanna lay on
your porch til
the sun goes
down
While you're
gabbing on the
phone
I want you to sick
me on the neighbors
cat
I wanna run that
sucker down
I wanna jump the
fence and tear
accross the street
And bring that
mailman down
Yeah, it's time
for me to howl
at the moon
Just like all
the other mutts
I wanna sit there
and bark at nothing
Til I drive the
neighbors nuts
Yeah just whistle
for me and I'll
come running just
to slobber on
your face
But don't turn your
back for a single
second
Cause I'll chew every
wire in the place
Sure!, I'm your best
friend..just throw
me a bone and give
me a pat on my back
Cause now I'm a dog
And I'm lovin' this
life
And I ain't never
changin' back!

It's getting late, I must go
I had a beer where did it go
I had to pee. I know it's here.
Can't find my keys, where's my shoes.
I gotta go take another pee.
telephone rings, where's my phone!
under the cushions, I find a dime
I know this don't rhyme.
I found a beer is this mine?
taste like lipstick, can't throw it out.
Where's my keys, I gotta take a pee.
Found a pair of shoes they're bigger then me.
It's getting late, I can't escape.
I want my coat, In case I croak

was sitting on cloud nine
but found out it was yours

was looking for cloud nine
but found out 7 8 nine

i wanted a bakers dozen
i got thirteen eggs
but i wanted thriteen bakers
to cook a dozen

i have tires
but i'm too damn tired

so i took a nap
just don't tell my cat

had a vision
so i turned off my
television

got in my car
so i started peddling

went to a hospital
feeling kinda lonely
i pretended i was sick
they gave me a bed
i got myself a bath.

i got on the internet
and found out that
i was dead

i filled out an application
then found out i just
married myself.

i signed a prenup.
couldn't decide
who would get what.

i gotta go
to deliver some coke
for this is no joke.

Bug splatter
can not see cause of the
brain and bladder
sun's rays making it a haze
wipper washers having a blast
broken wings crushed dreams
for I can not see
the sun is blinding me
I loose my lane
now I join the bug splatter
now my brain and bladder
being washed away

Folks if you have to fight early in the morning,
Dont forget to take out the chainsaws and kitchen knives,
Husbands fight fire with deadly fire,
Tell your wives how bad she really looks once she is fully awake,
And wives be cunning in your cat fight,
Praise endlessly about your husband favourite team nemesis prowess!
Brothers all around the world over,
Hate it the most when their sisters hog the toilet for hours!
Mix some itching powder into their shower gel,
That would bring a smile on even the tiniest warrior!
Dont forget boys that revenge is even sweeter,
When your angelic smiling sisters turn into a shrieking banshee,
She might let you live after all with all those scratch marks on your face!
And how about a grand royal rumble family size,
Get your neighbours involve proactively,
Throw a couple of stink bombs or pump the music out loud!
Pillow fights are for the lame and weak,
Get the biggest spotlight and shine it at their place,
Play daring mission of cowboys and indians,
Not those meek games of police and thieves,
Break all the house rules,
This is grand total war at your face in your Backyard!
There are no losers only weepers,
With prisoners of war doing your housework choires,
There will be no pulling punches and stop signs,
The next time you go for battle,
Poison apples and stockpile of arms,
Is way too dangerous a game to play,
There are countless ways of tactic to display,
Just remember the name of the game,
It's not Risk,Grand auto thief or world of warcraft III,
It's called conquer and surrender neighbourhood style!
Until the next open season,
Beware not only what is behind your Back,
But also what is in front of your face.
Onwards we march to find our next deployment,
The question is where ....somewhere out there?
This is Ancient Bullman reporting to you live on poet's corner network station@90210 !

There goes Hannah
climbing a tree
to reach a rooster that
crowed,"cockle doodle dee?!"

Hannah was confused
the rooster was too
So Hannah taught him
to sing cockle doodle doo

There goes Hannah
swimming in the lake
to rescue a duckling that
said, "quake quake quake"

Hannah sad, "I'm truly sorry
but its a well known fact
that little ducklings say
quack, quack, quack!"

Into the barn went our
little Hannah Rae
to teach the long eared donkey
how to bray

It seems our furry friend
was a little mixed up
for instead of braying HEE HAW
He was braying, "Hiccup Hiccup"

Even the dappled gray mare
wouldn't whinny or neigh
She just let out a "Tweet"
when Hannah offered her some hay

The cat mewled, "Cluck"
"Oink", howled the dog
the goose honked, "Baaaa"
"Woof" grunted the big, fat hog

As Hannah was leaving the barn,
she stopped to pet the cow
who looked at her and
bellowed, "Meow"

Our Hannah shook her head
and said, "That wouldn't do
cows really should
just say MOOOO!!"

Hannah was confused
what was happening on the farm?
was there cause
to raise an alarm?

She went to ask Gram and Papa
Papa said with a smile,
"The animals change places
it happens once in awhile"

Grammy said, "They get bored
and pretend to be something else
but by the end of the day,
they are back to being themselves."

Its ok to pretend
but its always best
to be proud of who you are cause
God made you different then the rest.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The Tombstone Conchita was fetching..
...Against the Marshall she was pressing..
She flashed a sly smile..
Buntline felt like a mile
Aye Caramba! I see you have missed me!

Second Limerick

With pistols and rifles
Caliber forty or more
Loaded with black powder, just to be sure
They step up to the line, with grins long and wide
They frightened steel targets, they'd be no more.

Third Limerick

There once was a woman named Miz Lou Graham
Who was Dallas' prettiest Madam
She had a pair of guns
That were second to none
If you saw them up close, you'd call her Ma'am!