A man walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my family jewels inside.
Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.
'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers,
and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really,really hard on the top of its head
The croc opened his mouth
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone
£100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up
in the back of the bar.
A drunk Spoke up..........
'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'
After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him and got a woman.
"Is Robert there?" I asked. "He's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Robert," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."
If you could change the world, what would you do to change things?
I would stop all war, encourage alternative energies, and make love and tolerance a way of life instead of power and greed.
A man went to the doctor one and and said "doc, I got a problem, every time I have sex with my wife, I always finish too quickly and its causing strain on our marriage". The doctor said "well what you need to do is when you feel your about to finish, you need a distraction, say a loud noise". The man said "gotcha" and left the office.
A week later, he is back at the doctor again, the doctor asked him how did things go. He replied "well doc, on my way home from your office last week, I stopped in the sporting goods store and got a starter pistol so I could just shoot it off when I felt I was going to finish. That night, my wife and I was 69'ing and when I was about to finish I shot off the pistol."
"My wife shit in my face, bit of my c*ck, and the neighbor jumped out of the closet saying don't shoot me please".
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