A priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives, when he suddenly realizes the one thing he hadn't taught them was English.
So he takes the chief for a walk. He points to a tree and says
"This is a tree."The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree"
The priest is pleased and points to a rock and says, "This is a rock.
"Hearing this the chief then grunts "Rock"
The priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As they peak over the top he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy s*xual activity.
The priest is really flusters and says, "Man riding bike"
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and nice to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood this way?
The chief looks at the priest and replies, "My bike."
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
There are around 60,000 miles of blood vessels in the human body. If you took them all out and laid them end to end, they’d stretch around the world more than twice.
The largest snowflake ever recorded reportedly measured 15 inches across.
In 2008 scientists discovered a new species of bacteria that lives in hairspray.
Powerful earthquakes can permanently shorten the length of Earth’s day, by moving the spin of the Earth’s axis. The 2011 Japan earthquake knocked 1.8 microseconds off our days. The 2004 Sumatra quake cost us around 6.8 microseconds.
The Dance Fever of 1518 was a month-long plague of inexplicable dancing in Strasbourg, in which hundreds of people danced for about a month for no apparent reason. Several of them danced themselves to death.
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I'll bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.
At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed.
"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"
Telling a depressed person to "snap out of it" or "just be happy", is like telling a deaf person to listen harder.
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