Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar…
FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
Bartender replies “Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can’t make a face while doing it.
Second, there’s a ‘gator out back with a sore tooth…you have to remove it with your bare hands.
Third, there’s a woman up-stairs who’s never had an o*gasm. You gotta make things right for her.”
The guy says, “Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won’t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, “Wherez zat teeqeelah?”
He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. “Now” he says “Where’s that woman with the sore tooth?”
I watched a few news clips about the anniversary of the end of the 2nd world war. I noticed that many of you are apologizing to the world for the war.
Its important to remember what happened and to learn from it so it can never happen again. Having said that, you do not need to apologize for the actions of a generation past. Since the world wars, you have turned your society into a peaceful, productive, and respected nation.
You have earned the respect of the rest of the world and the actions of a generation past do not reflect who you are now. Be proud of what you accomplished.
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers.
He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an aircraft.
The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers.
About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I’m getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump.
He told me to get off the plane or he’d kick my a**."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go.
Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds.
He said to me, "Boy, are you gonna jump or not?’
I said, "No, sir. I’m too scared. ’"
"So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his old boy out.
I swear, it was about a foot long and as big around as a baseball bat!
"He said, "Boy, either you jump out that door, or I’m sticking this little baby up your a**. ’"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first. . . . . . . . .
What a horrible thing to do to someone.
I have no idea what she is saying but I like the song.
It all goes wrong at 4:46
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