To H E L L And Back Again.
Quite a few people have claimed to have died and returned. I am one of those lucky souls who made the journey there and was allowed to return and tell about it. Whereas others mostly claim that it was not their time yet, I was returned for quite different reasons.I spend 12 days that side; of which the first was wasted trying to find a home for me. They made a whole hearing of it. Peter, who represented the Heavenly cause, said I’m not good enough for Heaven and will only corrupt the good.
Mephistopheles, whoever he is, represented the devil and claimed that I don’t satisfy the minimum requirements and that they are working very hard on their new image and cannot allow corrupting influences at the present time.
In the end the devil gave in and I was issued with six month visa on condition I don’t attend any meetings and don’t talk politics. Politics, of course, is a euphemism for religion that side. My case, he said, will be reviewed then.
The only punishment there is to stand waist deep in a cess pool but that is only during lunch breaks and teatime. The rest of the time they have to stand on their heads. The cess pool is rather small and is reserved only for lawyers, artificial inseminators and used car salesmen.
All the others get VIP treatment.
I arrived there in mid winter and it was quite cold. The fire that everybody speaks about had gone out during the dark ages when they ran out of fossil fuels. A total ban on nuclear power left them dependent on hydro electricity which was just enough for lights and cooking. No central heating anymore.
But it is not that bad. I heard they have a good golf course and when the snow melts during the short summer you can actually get a game of golf.
Accommodation was good, the room service excellent and the food even better. Cable TV and a fast WiFi network with uncapped data was available to all but needless to say, all religious sites were blocked. And everything was for free.
I even met with a few other departed souls and some of the living were also sneaking around there but by convention I may not mention their names. All cloak and dagger stuff that side.
There were plenty of women but I had to pick the wrong one again; the devil’s wife this time. One thing led to another and in the end Satan himself walked in on us and I was banished from Hell permanently. I tried to get political asylum in Heaven but it was refused and I was deported.
So there I was, right back in my recliner where I died 12 days earlier; some even missed me while I was gone but I could not tell them I was dead.
What bugs me now; if I am not welcome that side, where do I go when I die; or am I immortal now?
Comments (75)
They had a young man called McGuyver there to sort out the energy crisis but at the time I left he had no success yet. He was complaining about the copper cables being stolen since South Africans were allowed back in.
Too funny...if hell doesn't welcome you anymore...heaven...to good for you...is there another plane or level for people of your circumstance?...maybe take up haunting?...
Who was worried about lives. I did not want to came back. It is a pity the devil is so jealous. I mean it was nothing personal. Just instinct.
here
I don't know. Shortly after coming back I got an email from that side informing me that I have been sentenced to haunt the blogs of CS until I can qualify to go back there.
This is serious business. It is so nice that side, the people are dieing to get in there.
Don't mock with serious stuff like this. The devil was so cross with me that he wanted to remove the Tom from the Cat. I was lucky to be deported before he could find his knife.
Good place to be...sentenced to CS indefinately...
Blame that to the devil's scorn and my inability to shut my trap when needed. When I asked me why I had to pick his wife with all the other women I said I did it just for the hell of it. Some fellas have no sense of humor.
That's a matter of conscience
I am a Protestant and we don't go through all that but with my inside knowledge who wants to go there in any way. I had a good look around during the initial hearing. Who wants to sit having tea and cookies all day?
Reminds me of an old Clint Eastwood movie?...where to put the dirt?...we need to bribe someone...
It is not that simple. I am expected to rattle chains, turn over apple carts and throw my toys out the cot as I haunt the corridors of CS. Some people don't take kindly to that.
I would never come fiddling on your roof.
It must have been the candy man.
Hope you have a HELL of a Saturday
CS is FREE.
i last heard that the family who stays behind must pay for the sojourn while in Purgatory.
"CS is FREE."
Thats what you think.
Thats why you were not admitted full time to Heaven or Hell
CS owns your soul.
That back door leads to a place where they have tea and cookies all day.
It is going to take more than standing on my head waist deep in a cess pool to keep me quiet. Where do you think the contents of that cess pool came from in the first place. It was an empty swimming pool when I arrived there.
We could do a BBQ and then go for a midnight swim - if you follow the rules that is?
Not any more. CS went through there asset inventory a while ago and disposed of all their outdated hardware. I am stateless at the present.
The problem is I don't stick to fiddling on the roof. I go fiddling with things I have no business with. I am such a busy body.
So he did... mostly for himself as I see it.
The last time I fiddled on your roof there came a fella in a funny looking red cloak and told me to scoot off. It was his turn, he told me.
And the last time I went for a midnight swim I was arrested for public indecency. But the Tapa Bar sounds good. Do you still get free food?