Horoscopes Reloaded 2

Any resemblance between real people and these horoscopes are absolutely intentional. As promised, today we can have a look at bulls and twins. And as with the previous, I relied on cutting and pasting to some extend.

Taurus Birth date: 20 April - 20 May
Taurus is a cow… apologies, a bull. Cows give milk; bulls give you nothing but grunts and snorts. They take whatever they want, whenever they want it - your food, your favorite chair, your time, your energy, your money, your stuff - it's all theirs. They just graze through life, eating everything in their paths.

Taureans are known for their sense of humor and their ability to laugh at the weirdest things. They have an uncanny ability to pick winning lottery numbers. Research tells us that Taureans are at least as likely as other people to win the jackpot. Their lucky numbers are anything between 1 and 100.

They are excellent embezzlers and are often employed as bank mangers. Other popular occupations for them include teachers, waste-disposal-experts, doctors, builders, plumbers, computer programmers, funeral directors, and impersonators.

All Elves are all born under this sign due to the Elf mating season being only a few days long towards the end of July. This means that the average height of the Taurus male is around 4ft 3in, whilst the female average is approximately 3ft 9in. With their warped sense of humor that works as a defense against their height deficiency, Taureans are said to be excellent lovers but for some unknown reason, lousy dancers.

They bear grudges about things that never happened. This may stem from the feelings of inadequacy resulting from being beaten by Aries for the first place in the zodiac line up.

Taurus is ruled by Venus - goddess of stuff and money.

If you are impatient and pushy; forever in hurry to intending to get to the nowhere, you were born under this sign.

Gemini Birth date: 21 May - 21 June
Gemini is a pair of twins and can't stick to one decision for a minute; totally nuts. Don't date with a Gemini unless you want to go insane. The one will love you while the other will cheat you and you will never know who is who.

Most people born under the sign of Gemini are schizophrenic. Not all Gemini are affected, some are charming, social and intelligent beings who won’t poke their fingers in your eyes.

They are progressive, outgoing, and one of the most popular rides at a party but all that can change in the time it takes to sneeze. They are highly competitive, cannot resist it to take risks, and are likely to accept the any bet without thinking.

Geminis are always on some sort of medication though not always legal. They talk a lot but mercifully mostly to themselves and will often pick animated arguments with themselves in the bath or shower.

Dates are important to Gemini and they will only rarely forget birthdays, anniversaries or any other occasions on which they can purposefully avoid sending greeting cards or presents.

They drive funny color cars with lots of contradictory bumper stickers and will often drive them into trees or buildings. Gemini often is ambidextrous and can be recognized in public by the ability to pick both nostrils at the same time. In a nutshell, Gemini is a paranoid Aquarius.

Gemini is ruled by Mercury – the god of mind-tripping.

If you are pushy, overbearing, liking to pick fights with small children and forever harassing the wedded couple at weddings, you were born under this sign.

Ok, so there you are. If you were born under one of these signs, I’m sure that you would have recognized yourself.