Here is a list of Comedy Blogs ordered by Most Viewed, posted by members. A Blog is a journal you may enter about your life, thoughts, interesting experiences, or lessons you've learned. Post an opinion, impart words of wisdom, or talk about something interesting in your day. Update your blog on a regular basis, or just whenever you have something to say. Creating a blog is a good way to share something of yourself with others. Reading blogs is a good way to learn more about others. Click here to post a blog.
Put a sock in it!
Some people just never give it a rest, can’t get a word in edgeways, constant ear bashing... blah, blah, blah all the time!
What phrases do you know that say.... SHUT the f*ck up!
Oh!... Did I mention that I’m a blabbermouth?
What phrases do you know that say.... SHUT the f*ck up!
Oh!... Did I mention that I’m a blabbermouth?
Skinny-dipping anyone??
Ron, an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm with a big pond in the backyard for several years. The pond was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and citrus trees.
One evening, the old farmer decided to go down and check on the swimming hole, because he hadn't been to that area of the property in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked."
Rob held the bucket up high and said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
One evening, the old farmer decided to go down and check on the swimming hole, because he hadn't been to that area of the property in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked."
Rob held the bucket up high and said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
One of my favourite jokes
(I know, you probably heard it already, but some jokes are worth hearing again.)
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV. But hey I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
Now .... I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV. But hey I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
Now .... I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!
JOKE TIME.... :
Why are we tired today?????????????????????????
Because we just finished a 31 day March!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:
have a FUN April Fools Day!
Because we just finished a 31 day March!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:
have a FUN April Fools Day!
Drafting Old Men Into The Military
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing a--backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some a--hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-b*tch. If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put the damn things. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too.... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave and to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my gosh!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some a--hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-b*tch. If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put the damn things. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too.... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave and to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my gosh!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
Afternoon Delight...
My favorite part of the day...reminds of those sweet moments when I feel complete in the arms of special someone.
I know it's usually night time for most and morning time is good time for me too but afternoon is kinda special to me...after sharing good food for lunch, cuddling in front of the tv, rubbing each other's back and sleep in each other's arms...wake up watching the sun set from the window...those wonderful feeling of contentment and happiest will always keep me warm and put a smile on my face...if I don't get to experience them again, at least I have those sweet memories to last me a lifetime
Oh shit! must be the fish and snake beans I had for lunch!
Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight
Gonna grab some afternoon delight
My motto's always been, when it's right it's right
Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night
When everything's a little clearer in the light of day
Then we know the night is always gonna be here anyway
Thinking of you's working up an appetite
Looking forward to a little afternoon delight
Rubbin' sticks and stones together make the sparks ignite
And the thought of rubbin' you is gettin' so excited
Sky rocket's in flight, afternoon delight
Afternoon delight, afternoon delight
Started out this morning feeling so polite
I always though a fish could not be caught who didn't bite
But you've got some bait a waitin'
And I think I might try nibbling a little afternoon delight
Sky rocket's in flight, afternoon delight
Afternoon delight, afternoon delight
Be waiting for me, baby, when I come around
We can make a lot of lovin' 'fore the sun goes down
Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite
Looking forward to a little afternoon delight
Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite
And the thought of lovin' you is getting so exciting
Sky rocket's in flight, afternoon delight
Afternoon delight, afternoon delight
Afternoon delight, afternoon delight
Read more: Starland Vocal Band - Afternoon Delight Lyrics | MetroLyrics
I know it's usually night time for most and morning time is good time for me too but afternoon is kinda special to me...after sharing good food for lunch, cuddling in front of the tv, rubbing each other's back and sleep in each other's arms...wake up watching the sun set from the window...those wonderful feeling of contentment and happiest will always keep me warm and put a smile on my face...if I don't get to experience them again, at least I have those sweet memories to last me a lifetime
Oh shit! must be the fish and snake beans I had for lunch!
Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight
Gonna grab some afternoon delight
My motto's always been, when it's right it's right
Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night
When everything's a little clearer in the light of day
Then we know the night is always gonna be here anyway
Thinking of you's working up an appetite
Looking forward to a little afternoon delight
Rubbin' sticks and stones together make the sparks ignite
And the thought of rubbin' you is gettin' so excited
Sky rocket's in flight, afternoon delight
Afternoon delight, afternoon delight
Started out this morning feeling so polite
I always though a fish could not be caught who didn't bite
But you've got some bait a waitin'
And I think I might try nibbling a little afternoon delight
Sky rocket's in flight, afternoon delight
Afternoon delight, afternoon delight
Be waiting for me, baby, when I come around
We can make a lot of lovin' 'fore the sun goes down
Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite
Looking forward to a little afternoon delight
Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite
And the thought of lovin' you is getting so exciting
Sky rocket's in flight, afternoon delight
Afternoon delight, afternoon delight
Afternoon delight, afternoon delight
Read more: Starland Vocal Band - Afternoon Delight Lyrics | MetroLyrics
Interrogation technique...
A guy who’s living with three dogs woke up to find feathers in the hall way. It seemed suspicious to him so he followed the traces of crime left by one of his dogs. Here’s where they lead him…
"Woke up to find feathers in the hall way. I'm on the case! Possible victim: bird"
"Suspect #1: Fenway. Possible motive: He's a dog. Alibi: He's a good boy."
"Suspect #2: Brittany. Known alias: Confession bear lookalike. Possible motive: Also a dog. Alibi: 13 years old."
"Suspect #3: Jackson. New Victim: Pillow. Motive: He's a little sh*t. Alibi: N/A"
"Woke up to find feathers in the hall way. I'm on the case! Possible victim: bird"
"Suspect #1: Fenway. Possible motive: He's a dog. Alibi: He's a good boy."
"Suspect #2: Brittany. Known alias: Confession bear lookalike. Possible motive: Also a dog. Alibi: 13 years old."
"Suspect #3: Jackson. New Victim: Pillow. Motive: He's a little sh*t. Alibi: N/A"
Joke
Back on January 9th, a group of HELL'S ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped. Rod, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby , … what ’ cha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
"Why don't you give ol' Rod here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that, …and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, Rod gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It’s unclear if she jumped or was pushed.
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
"Why don't you give ol' Rod here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that, …and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, Rod gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It’s unclear if she jumped or was pushed.
ALL
Some people blame ALL democrats for whatever and about as many other people blame ALL Republicans for whatever, right? I think that is what turns me off to hearing what they have to say because I don't believe in the ALL of it. I don't think either of the parties ALL belive on the same issues, granted that the majority of each party believes in its one sided issue.
So when anyone starts anything with All dems or ALL republicons they immediately nulify what they have to say because they are starting off wrong in my eyes.
This is not a fact, just my opinion and I'm sticking to it.
So when anyone starts anything with All dems or ALL republicons they immediately nulify what they have to say because they are starting off wrong in my eyes.
This is not a fact, just my opinion and I'm sticking to it.
A Blog is a journal you may enter about your life, your thoughts, interesting experiences, or lessons you have learned. It's your own page on Connecting Singles that you can update on a regular basis, or just whenever you have something to say. You can write about an opinion, impart words of wisdom, or talk about something interesting in your day. Creating a blog is a good way to share something of yourself with Connecting Singles members. Reading blogs is a good way to learn more about members you have met here. Please be sure to read the blog rules before posting.
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