Here is a list of Comedy Blogs ordered by Most Viewed, posted by members. A Blog is a journal you may enter about your life, thoughts, interesting experiences, or lessons you've learned. Post an opinion, impart words of wisdom, or talk about something interesting in your day. Update your blog on a regular basis, or just whenever you have something to say. Creating a blog is a good way to share something of yourself with others. Reading blogs is a good way to learn more about others. Click here to post a blog.
Trump gives advice to government workers not receiving paychecks.
And as a bonus, hot off The New Yorker today;
In response to:
Forever
By Andy Borowitz
10:57 A.M.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a bold initiative aimed at ending the shutdown, congressional Democrats on Thursday agreed to fund a border wall and reopen the government if Donald Trump leaves the country forever.
Calling the deal “a huge win for America,” the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, said that Trump would get the wall he wanted plus the opportunity to do something “incredibly patriotic” for his country.
Pelosi brushed aside criticism of the offer’s 5.7-billion-dollar price tag, telling reporters, “When you consider what we are getting in return, nine trillion dollars would be a bargain.”
But, even as Pelosi touted the offer, some details remained unresolved, such as finding a country willing to accept Trump.
Although Russia has a practice of providing country houses to former leaders such as Nikita Khrushchev and Boris Yeltsin, it is unclear whether Trump’s two years of service to the Kremlin qualify him for such accommodations.
The White House offered no official response to the Democrats’ offer, but Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani gave it a full-throated endorsement during an appearance on CNN.
“He should absolutely take this deal,” Giuliani said. “I mean, if he stays in the country, he’s probably going to prison.”
Andy Borowitz is the New York Times best-selling author of “The 50 Funniest American Writers,”
and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes the Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news, for newyorker.com.
Forever
By Andy Borowitz
10:57 A.M.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a bold initiative aimed at ending the shutdown, congressional Democrats on Thursday agreed to fund a border wall and reopen the government if Donald Trump leaves the country forever.
Calling the deal “a huge win for America,” the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, said that Trump would get the wall he wanted plus the opportunity to do something “incredibly patriotic” for his country.
Pelosi brushed aside criticism of the offer’s 5.7-billion-dollar price tag, telling reporters, “When you consider what we are getting in return, nine trillion dollars would be a bargain.”
But, even as Pelosi touted the offer, some details remained unresolved, such as finding a country willing to accept Trump.
Although Russia has a practice of providing country houses to former leaders such as Nikita Khrushchev and Boris Yeltsin, it is unclear whether Trump’s two years of service to the Kremlin qualify him for such accommodations.
The White House offered no official response to the Democrats’ offer, but Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani gave it a full-throated endorsement during an appearance on CNN.
“He should absolutely take this deal,” Giuliani said. “I mean, if he stays in the country, he’s probably going to prison.”
Andy Borowitz is the New York Times best-selling author of “The 50 Funniest American Writers,”
and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes the Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news, for newyorker.com.
This satire does give me an idea. Perhaps we should start a GoFundMe page to take donations
to have Trump resign the presidency. I mean, it will probably happen anyway, after the impeachment
happens. But, perhaps we can get Trump's resignation much sooner, if Trump can see that money waiting for him to resign.
Indeed, perhaps that guy who started the GoFundMe page to build the wall went about it the wrong way. Instead, he should have just asked for $1 from everyone who thinks Trump is an idiot.
That wall could have been paid for by now.
jokes.....
.....Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account. ... ...... Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it. ... .............. A man received message from his neighbour.
Sorry sir I am using your wife.
I am using day and night.
I am using when u r not present at home.
In fact I am using more than U R using.
I confess this because now I feel very much guilt.
Hope U will accept my sincere apologies.
Man went home and had a big fight with his wife.
Few minutes later he received another massage.
Sorry Sir spelling / auto correct mistake ....
it's not wife but WIFI...Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist? A: You can negotiate with a terrorist. .................
Becky was on her deathbed. Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a vigil by her side. He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his face. His praying roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. My darling Jake," she whispered. Hush, my love," he said. "Rest. Shhh.Don't talk." She was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. " I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. Everything's all right, go to sleep ." "No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father." "I know," he replied. "That's why I poisoned you."
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account. ...
...... Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it. ...
.............. A man received message from his neighbour.Sorry sir I am using your wife.
I am using day and night.
I am using when u r not present at home.
In fact I am using more than U R using.
I confess this because now I feel very much guilt.
Hope U will accept my sincere apologies.
Man went home and had a big fight with his wife.
Few minutes later he received another massage.
Sorry Sir spelling / auto correct mistake ....
it's not wife but WIFI...Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist? A: You can negotiate with a terrorist. .................
Becky was on her deathbed. Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a vigil by her side. He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his face. His praying roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. My darling Jake," she whispered. Hush, my love," he said. "Rest. Shhh.Don't talk." She was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. " I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. Everything's all right, go to sleep ." "No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father." "I know," he replied. "That's why I poisoned you."
GET OUT OF THE CAR...NOW!
This came in email today ....It's a goody..so hope you read and get some idea of what could be waiting to happen on a shopping trip!
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Get Out Of The Car - NOW !
<
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs
"I have a gun, and I know how to use it!
Get out of the car - NOW !"
The four men didn't wait for a second threat.
They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why.
It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two
12-packs of beer in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a
carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
Moral of the story?
If you're going to have a senior moment...
make it memorable!
....It's a goody..so hope you read and get some idea of what could be waiting to happen on a shopping trip!XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Get Out Of The Car - NOW !
<
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs
"I have a gun, and I know how to use it!
Get out of the car - NOW !"
The four men didn't wait for a second threat.
They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why.
It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two
12-packs of beer in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a
carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
Moral of the story?
If you're going to have a senior moment...
make it memorable!
They Walk Among Us!
They Walk Among Us----
A guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge (still working), he put it in his front yard and hung a Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
One day I was walking down the beach with
some friends when someone shouted.....
"Look at that dead bird!"
Someone looked up at the sky and said..."Where?"
While looking at a house, my brother asked the
estate agent which direction was north because
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
and has for some time. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
When we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she "didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving."
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
And last, but not least:
Dumb as a box of Rocks
TRUE STORY:
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi (Speaker of the United States House of Representatives)happened to appear. Ms. Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble.. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'
Sadly, they walk among us! And, MORE sadly, hold high offices!!!:
-------:
A guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge (still working), he put it in his front yard and hung a Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
One day I was walking down the beach with
some friends when someone shouted.....
"Look at that dead bird!"
Someone looked up at the sky and said..."Where?"
While looking at a house, my brother asked the
estate agent which direction was north because
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
and has for some time. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
When we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she "didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving."
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
And last, but not least:
Dumb as a box of Rocks
TRUE STORY:
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi (Speaker of the United States House of Representatives)happened to appear. Ms. Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble.. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'
Sadly, they walk among us! And, MORE sadly, hold high offices!!!:
-------:
Happy Birthday Enigma
Enigma's birthday is tomorrow, June 11. Let's all join in and wish her a very happy birthday!
Happy Birthday Enigma! May you have many, many more!
God bless you!
Happy Birthday Enigma! May you have many, many more!
God bless you!
Jokes :-D
Hey all hope all enjoying the bank holiday Monday :-)
Give me your best jokes
I thank you lol
Give me your best jokes
I thank you lol
Did you hear about the fight at the seafood restau
Did you hear about the fight at the seafood restaurant?
A: Four fish got battered!
What do you call a sleepy pizza?
A: A piZZZZZZZZZZa!
Why were the pickles embarrassed?
A: They saw the salad dressing!
A: Four fish got battered!
What do you call a sleepy pizza?
A: A piZZZZZZZZZZa!
Why were the pickles embarrassed?
A: They saw the salad dressing!
No more need to be fussy ladies...
..the answer is here.
1. Are you sitting at home waiting of that perfect man to arrive ?
2. Is life getting you down because the choice of men are lean in the trouser snake dept ?
3. Is your current man large but shit in bed and grumpy.
The answer is here, no more waiting for the perfect man with the perfect chopper.
With the new cream that lovely guy with the small d*ck need not be at the bottom of the list, but your perfect match.
**No va*ina were harmed during the research and development of this cream**
1. Are you sitting at home waiting of that perfect man to arrive ?
2. Is life getting you down because the choice of men are lean in the trouser snake dept ?
3. Is your current man large but shit in bed and grumpy.
The answer is here, no more waiting for the perfect man with the perfect chopper.
With the new cream that lovely guy with the small d*ck need not be at the bottom of the list, but your perfect match.
**No va*ina were harmed during the research and development of this cream**
Irish Airline Announcement
Being airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up... One minute prior to take-off, by our catering service..., I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and..., unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued..., "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 4 hour flight."
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later... "If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up... One minute prior to take-off, by our catering service..., I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and..., unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued..., "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 4 hour flight."
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later... "If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."
Went With The Wind!
Saw this on my FB this morning and thought I would like to share it here.
Back in 1976, The Carol Burnett Show aired a sketch comedy segment that would forever be held as one of the funniest moments in the history of television. And watching it again, almost 39 years after its initial release, you’ll easily agree that this hilarious piece stands the test of time and still remains a hilarious bit of writing and acting.
Carol Burnett has long been respected as one of the funniest women in the comedy business, but this famous sketch, is the stuff that legends are made of. The famous 1939 epic film Gone With The Wind had recently aired for the first time on television, so naturally Burnett wanted to make an amazing parody of the southern drama.
With Burnett playing a parody of Scarlett O’Hara, Harvey Korman as Rhett Butler, Tim Conway as Ashley Wilkes, and the ever-talented Vicki Lawrence playing the role of the crazed Sissy, this amazing piece of television history is still much remembered and well-beloved by anyone who loves to laugh.
Paying homage to some of the original film’s most famous scenes and lines, this hilarious sketch is perhaps most well known for the memorable curtain-rod dress that Burnett wears for the very end. When Burnett rolled down the stairs the audience famously laughed so hard and so long that they had to edit it out due to time constraints.
Voted #2 in TV Guide’s list of the Top 50 Funniest Moments in Television, this amazing sketch is a must watch for anyone who wants to feel a bit of nostalgia! Though it’s nearly 20 minutes long, it’s certainly worth watching and re-watching. There’s just something about watching all these hilarious people dressed up in the garb of antebellum south that we just love more than anything.
Have a great start of the week my dear CS peeps!
Back in 1976, The Carol Burnett Show aired a sketch comedy segment that would forever be held as one of the funniest moments in the history of television. And watching it again, almost 39 years after its initial release, you’ll easily agree that this hilarious piece stands the test of time and still remains a hilarious bit of writing and acting.
Carol Burnett has long been respected as one of the funniest women in the comedy business, but this famous sketch, is the stuff that legends are made of. The famous 1939 epic film Gone With The Wind had recently aired for the first time on television, so naturally Burnett wanted to make an amazing parody of the southern drama.
With Burnett playing a parody of Scarlett O’Hara, Harvey Korman as Rhett Butler, Tim Conway as Ashley Wilkes, and the ever-talented Vicki Lawrence playing the role of the crazed Sissy, this amazing piece of television history is still much remembered and well-beloved by anyone who loves to laugh.
Paying homage to some of the original film’s most famous scenes and lines, this hilarious sketch is perhaps most well known for the memorable curtain-rod dress that Burnett wears for the very end. When Burnett rolled down the stairs the audience famously laughed so hard and so long that they had to edit it out due to time constraints.
Voted #2 in TV Guide’s list of the Top 50 Funniest Moments in Television, this amazing sketch is a must watch for anyone who wants to feel a bit of nostalgia! Though it’s nearly 20 minutes long, it’s certainly worth watching and re-watching. There’s just something about watching all these hilarious people dressed up in the garb of antebellum south that we just love more than anything.
Have a great start of the week my dear CS peeps!
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