Most Viewed Comedy Blogs (1,864)

If it can fly is SuperMan, if it can swim is AquaMan, If it can clim is SpiderMan,If it explote is a MusulMan, If it can......is a woMan. Please fill in the blank woth the correct word.

I was talking to a kid the other day and relating pretty well, I thought. I'm down with the yoof. This was a pretty young kid, and I asked how old he was. 8. He asked how old I was. I had to think about it, as always, then told him. He looked at me with huge eyes. "Did you start at 1?"

I can't remember. I think I did. It was a long time ago. THAT long ago, though? Doesn't seem possible.

FOXITIS This is the new bug, that has been around for some time.

Just to think of Foxitis makes me laugh..

Talking in a different language can get you into embarrassing situations, we all know that. Mispronounce a word and oops ... different meaning.

Then there are the comedians who teach you something that doesn't mean what they told you it means ... there's a guy in my office who has some South African friends and is always pestering me for rude words and phrases in one of South Africa's 11 languages that he can throw at them. (Or as Saffers would say, throw them with).

His research goes both ways. Today we were joking around and he said I was obviously looking for a poesklap.

WHAT???????????????? Sweetie, look these things up before you use them, okay? Poor guy thought he was telling me I needed a quick skelp (Scottish for a smack up the head) Um - I don't know the phrase, but I think you just suggested something a lot more hostile, and further down ...




Ever made a language faux pas?

Once upon a time a man asked a woman to marry him..she refused.

The man lived happily ever after...riding motorbikes, going fishing...drinking beer..playing golf...left the toilet seat up and could fart whenever he wanted.

The End

Whats the height of being intoxicated?
When you walk across the dance floor to buy another drink and you win the Singles Dance Competition..

You hear about the drunk catholic sitting in the confessional?
After a long silence the priest taps the divider to catch the attention of the guy.
"you're knocking for nothing, no toilet paper here either"



One day a farmer walks into a general dealer and buys a heavy Anvil, tin bucket, two chickens and a goose. The farmer stares at all his purchases and mutters. " "I wonder how i'm going to carry all this seeing that I walked into town." Some (SA farmers) are not too bright.
Not wanting to lose the sale, the Dealer sez, "Put the anvil in the bucket, one chicken under each arm and carry the goose in you other hand." It works out perfectly and off goes the farmer humming a tune....
A little way down the road a very prim and proper lady stops the farmer and asks " Could you please tell me where upper road is?" "Its not far" sez the farmer, "come and I'll show you a shortcut and you will be there in no time"
The petite lady clutches her chest in dismay and say: "I am just a lonely widow that has lost her husband a long time ago, so how will i K now that you won't abuse me in the ally?" The farmer is taken aback and says:
"Good Lord lady, how on earth could i do that with all my stuff in my hands, look at my load, are you crazy?"
She replies: "Easy. Put the goose down and cover it with the bucket with the anvil on top to keep it it place.... and I will hold on to the two chickens"

Enjoy the weekend. And dont win too many single competitions...

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more kids.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), and then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.
'The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to ear is going to help me.
''Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
"1"
"2"
"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, and …
All of Washington , D.C. ...

A husband comes home from work one day, later that night , him and the wife are going to bed. The husband turns to the wife and says, Dear ,did you put the cat out. The wife, with tears in her eyes says to her husband, Dear , the cat died today,
The husband calmly looks at her ,and says, ALL THE MORE REASON TO PUT HIM OUT,

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car.
Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest ofour days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn't break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune." Thenshe handed the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."


Some years ago Adam ate the apple.
Men will never learn!

The heading, and the following, are Facebook philosophies picked up today - it may be just my timeline, but there's a faint trend towards optimism after long months of depression, fatalism, or anger. Instead of scraping flaking horrible (really horrible) green paint off a ceiling before painting it, I'm sharing a few that I liked

People who show you new music are important.
**
My mum as a mum - you get what you get, deal with it
My mum as a grandmother - do you want your sandwich cut into hearts or stars, sweetheart?
**
When life is stressful, go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles. Maybe change your name.
**
A writer is someone for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people.
**
You'll never get anywhere if you keep stopping to throw stones at the dogs that bark at you
**
I just saved 100% on stress by switching to not giving a fcuk
**
Also this made me grin - the 3 voices in writing -
Active voice - you ate 6 donuts
Passive voice - 6 donuts were eaten by you
Passive-aggressive voice - you ate 6 donuts and I didn't get any. Don't worry, it's cool. I can see donuts are very important to you.



Rumour has it today is Friday. Have a good one