A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?""It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
DIARY OF A DEMENTED SNOW SHOVELER!
December 8, 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-
we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska , after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.
Jokes that can be told in Church....
********JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH*********
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school
after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, 'What do you think about
all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how
Santa Claus turned out.
It's probably just your Dad.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother,
'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color
of happiness,
and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said,
'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about
their fathers.
The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem,
they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to
collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month.
Having never married, she requested no male
pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service, she wrote,
'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive,
I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam,
'What would you do if you had to arrest your own
mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why
Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem ..
A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments
with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'Honour thy
father and thy mother,' she asked,
'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,
'Thou shall not kill..'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God
created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they
told him
how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying
down as though he were ill,
and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little
Johnny responded,
'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have
a wife.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
You don't stop laughing because you grow old..
You grow old because you stop laughing!
Take heed and pass these along to people who
need a laugh.
I thought you would enjoy this...times are tough
right now...for all of us...
so we need something to make the day a happy
place.
"They" haven't found a way to tax you for
laughing yet.
None of these jokes are meant to offend anyone!
ROMANCE
> >> An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
> >> asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
> >>
> >> She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.."
> >> Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get
> >> back to sleep.
> >>
> >> A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.."
> >>
> >> Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and
> >> settled down to sleep.
> >>
> >> Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."
> >>
> >> Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
> >>
> >> "Where are you going?" she asked..
> >>
> >> "To get my teeth!"
> >> _____________________________________
> >>
> >> OLD FRIENDS
> >> Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they
> >> had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
> >> activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
> >>
> >> One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
> >> "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but
> >> I just can't think of your name.. I've thought and thought, but I can't
> >> remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
> >>
> >> Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
> >> glared at her. Finally she said,
> >>
> >> "How soon do you need to Know?"
> >> _____________________________________
> >>
> >> SENIOR DRIVING
> >> As a senior citizen was driving down the highway, his car phone rang..
> >> Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I
> >> just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
> >> Interstate 70 Please be careful!"
> >>
> >> "Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"
> >> _____________________________________
> >> DRIVING
> >> Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see
> >> over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major
> >> crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
> >>
> >> The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
> >> could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
> >> minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again.
> >> Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost
> >> sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was
> >> losing it. She was getting nervous.
> >> At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on
> >> through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you
> >> know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have
> >> killed us both!"
> >> Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
> >>
Last Saturday, Jan 4, it was so cold here, that I saw polar bears on a bus headed to Florida!
On this site and other sites I get emails from scammers like most people get. I was wondering if anyone could explain to me how to trace an email's origin? It would be nice to know!
Thanks in advance for any help!
FOR ALL OF THE CHICAGO BEAR FANS!
Papa bear and his son were out walking. The son says to the papa bear! "Dad what is the SUPER BOWL"? The papa bear says, "I don't know son...we are bears"!
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