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A Woman's Poem

Before I lay me down to sleep

I pray for a man who's not a creep,

One who is handsome. Smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's rich and self employed,

And when I spend, won't be annoyed.

Pull out my chair and hold my hand.

Massage my feet and help me stand.

Oh send a king to make me queen.

A man who loves to cook and clean.

I pray this man will love no other.

And relish visits with my mother.


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Women one liners

Women one liners




If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.


When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.


If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?


If I ever need a heart transplant, I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.


My ex wrote to me: Can you delete my number? I responded: Who is this?


What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money.

Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that... 'This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose'


Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.


Is google a woman? Because it won't let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.

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Ready to Smile?

Ready to smile for 1 minute and 3 seconds??????

Enjoy !!!




CLICK:
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Quotes for Today

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I sometimes wonder why I drink; I think that it's because I think.

I still really miss my ex but my aim is getting better.

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".


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Baptizing a Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water, then pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the man in water again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"


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Happy Birthday Calliopesgirl

Let's, everyone wish Calli a very Happy Birthday!!!!party balloons cake danceline dancing party hat buddies happy birthday

Calli, I wish you many, many more! Enjoy your BIG DAY!yay hug
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Think Like A Child

Why do we love children?

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, wWhat's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1n

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
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This about sums it up!!!

This about sums it up!!!


Welcome 2016


Civilization at the end of 2015 - this is priceless!!!



. Our Phones - Wireless

. Cooking - Fireless

. Cars - Keyless

. Food - Fatless

. Tires -Tubeless

. Youth - Jobless

. Leaders - Shameless

. Relationships - Meaningless

. Attitudes - Careless

. Babies - Fatherless

. Feelings - Heartless

. Children - Mannerless



We are SPEECHLESS,

Government is CLUELESS,

And our Politicians are WORTHLESS!





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Humorous Sayings

A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER THAT READ:
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.

Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”;

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels.”;

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
You've come to the right place.”;

On a Plumber's truck :
"We repair what your husband fixed.”;

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”;

At a Tyre Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout.”;

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts.”;

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”;

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push.”;

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”;

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”;

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”;

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However, if you don't, YOU will be delighted.”;

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”;

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait.”;

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank Heaven for little grills.”;

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak.”;

And the best one for last…;
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
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Jaws And The Newly Weds

A real estate salesman and his new blonde wife flew to the Bahamas for their honeymoon.

The groom was in the water snorkeling while his new bride was sunbathing on the beach. Suddenly a large shark attacked and took a huge chunk out of the man's upper body. While his new wife watched in horror the man managed to swim to shore.

Lifeguards tried to save his life but unfortunately he had lost way too much blood.

A news crew was dispatched to the scene. The reporter asked one of the lifeguards if the man suffered long.

To which he replied, "No, he was only married for about a week".

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAPRICORN!

Happy birthday Capricorn! happy birthday cake party balloons party hat dance buddies danceline

May you enjoy good health and peace in the New Year! Have many, many more!hug
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JAKARTA ATTACK: A HILARIOUS ISIS FAILURE IN 2016

A friend of mine, Smarty from Indonesia, ask me to post this.

Without any intention to disregard the victims, I consider that today we, the people of The Republic of Indonesia, have successfully humiliated ISIS. What happened today is a total failure terrorism, which resulted more terrorists were killed than the target itself ([5 terrorists] vs [1 police officer and 1 foreigner, may they rest in peace]) -thanks to the military and Indonesia Police Corps quick alertness -.

Aside from the numbers, the situation was quite an embarrasement for ISIS. Instead of being terrorized and frightened, Indonesian people even made various bullies, jokes, and funny memes about the terror situation, which is planned to immitate Paris Attack. We made a buzz about a satay seller that conveniently open his booth 100 meters from the bomb scene, a military officer that ordered out a fried tofu from a hawker, the president who came to location without a bulletproof vest, a Gucci shoes of an handsome and fashionable police officer, a miscommunication between ISIS leader and his executioner, a bomb scene that turned out be a selfie spot, and a hawker who testify the sold out of his cold drinks and cigarettes while the terror occured. With that kind of stories and memes, people then created the hashtag #KamiTidakTakut (means We Are Not Afraid) that inspired many news websites around the world. What a defiant message from Indonesian, they said. A lot of foreigner journalists are surprised to see the reaction of Indonesian people who unexpectedly mock the terrorists hilariously.

A stupid and arrogant threats that came from ISIS leader in Syria months before, -that there would be a "Concert" in Indonesia-, has failed to take place. After Christmas dan New Year's Eve terror plan fall to pieces due to the tight security protection from police officers, today's attack turned out to be even more humiliating for ISIS. Fears of ISIS may haunt the whole world, but suprisingly, does not apply to Indonesian. Today we consider them a bunch of stupid clowns. The Jakarta "concert" is proven a pain in the a** for ISIS leaders.

It turns out that the idea of declaring ISIS nation in Indonesia is so blunt that it would took more that 50 years for us to take that seriously. It already becomes a joke here.

Anyway, please reshare this miraculous ending on your facebook wall. Show your families, your friends, and everybody that that we will never lose against terrorism.

Indonesian People
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