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GentlejimGentlejim Blog (705)

4,176 Blog Comments705 Blog705 Blogs96 Forums26 Quizzes7 Threads

The Little Bird

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.

(3 ) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


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Florida Lemon Picker

Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs, Florida decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.
Sally applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove and seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and a school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said: "I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, I voted twice for Obama, and once for Hillary."

She starts work in the morning.


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Where Are Trumps Tax Returns?

During a recent Trump stop, a heckler from the audience hollered, "Hey Trump, where are you hiding your tax returns?
The Donald politely responded,
"I've found a very secure place that I'm certain they won't be found.”

The insistent heckler, then shouted, "And just where is that?

The Donald smiled and said,

"They are underneath Obama's college records, his passport application, his immigration status as a student, his funding sources to pay for college, his college records, and his Selective Service registration.

"What's your next question?"


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10 Pick-Me-Up Quotes To Help You Feel A TON Better When You're Down

1. "Your dreams don't have to be lofty; they just have to be lived."

2. "It's your life; live it well."

3. "Let your dreams be bigger than your fears, your actions louder than your words, and your faith stronger than your feelings."

4. "We don't meet people by accident. They are meant to cross our path for a reason."

5. "Taking care of yourself makes you stronger for everyone in your life … including you."

6. "Negative people need drama like it's oxygen. Stay positive and take their breath away."

7. "Laugh at yourself. It tones your facial muscles and attitude."

8. "Always remember you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think and twice as beautiful as you've ever imagined."

9. "It's your life. Be sure you're playing to your strengths instead of simply to other people's weaknesses."

10. "May you see sunshine where others see shadows, and opportunities where others see obstacles."



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A little laugh to lighten things up on the blogs!

"All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. "

"I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up."

"Congress: Bingo with billions"

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late for the garbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in!'

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

"A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months.' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?' He said, 'All of them.'"

"Exercise? I get in on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics."

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, 'In the lake.'

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language? One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap.

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Just wanted to...

Wish everyone a happy and joyous Easter! I will be with family for dinner!

What are you doing Easter Sunday? thumbs up
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Easter Bunny

( THE BLOGS NEED SOME HUMOR )






A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is
the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man `what's wrong. ?

"I feel terrible," ! he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again,
He hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.

It says..






(OK, here it is)



It says,



"Hair Spray!...
Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent waves."


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The Magician

A magician has been working on a cruise ship doing the same act for many years. The audiences like him, and they change often enough that he doesn’t have to worry about finding new tricks. But the captain’s parrot sits in the back row and watches him night after night, year after year. After a while, the parrot figures out how the tricks work and starts giving the secrets away to the audiences. When the magician makes a bouquet of flowers disappear, for instance, the parrot squawks, “Behind his back! Behind his back!” Well, the magician gets really annoyed at this, but he doesn’t know what to do, since the parrot belongs to the captain. One day, the ship springs a leak and sinks. The magician manages to grab hold of a plank of wood and floats on it. The parrot flies over and sits on the other end. They drift and drift for three days without speaking. On the morning of the fourth day, the parrot looks over at the magician and says, “Okay, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?”


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To Be Six Again

You really have to give this guy an A+ for effort.

George was a thoughtful husband. He wanted to give his wife something special for her birthday which was coming up soon. As he sat on the edge of the bed, he watched his wife turning back and forth and looking at herself in the mirror. "Reta," he said, "What would you like for your birthday?"

His wife continued to look at herself and said, "I'd like to be six again."

George knew just what to do. On the big day, he got up early and made his wife a bowl of Fruit Loops. Then he took her to an amusement park where they rode all the rides. Five hours later, Reta's stomach felt upside down and her head was reeling. Never the less, George took her to McDonald's and bought her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Next, it was a movie with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy.

As Reta wobbled into the house that evening and flopped on the bed, George asked her, "Well, Dear, what was it like to be six again?"

Reta looked up at him. Her expression changed. She said, "I meant my dress size!"


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Wow, CS Prom!

Does anyone remember signing up for the CS prom earlier this week?confused Well I do!

So last night my prom queen from CS showed up in a super stretch limousine to pick me up and take me to the prom! Wow, I was impressed! She had the limo stocked with my favorite beverages...hiccup, hiccup(translation...series of breathing diaphragm spasms, of variable spacing and duration.)! Of course, I never drink unless I am alone or with somebody.rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing

We went to the prom and whose who on CS was there! WOW! They came from all over the world! Australia, New Zealand, Indonesia, Malaysia, Philippines, China, Vietnam, Sri Lanka, Japan, Korea, Hawaii, USA, Mexico, Jamaica, Spain, UK, Ireland, Italy, Netherlands, and many more! What was great is all of the different clothes that people wore! From tropical grass skirts to tuxes!laugh laugh

Everyone was dancing, singing and drinking! Never knew we had so many good drinkers, I mean dancers, on CS! laugh laugh

Yeah there was one lady out dancing and did the splits and couldn't get up. She had to be helped up. I can't divulge her name for she would never forgive me!laugh laugh

All and all, it was a great time! Those who didn't come missed a fun event! Maybe next year?dunno

If you went to the prom, give us your thoughts please?thumbs up
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Why/Because

1.. WHY
Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?

BECAUSE
When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right! And that's where women's buttons have remained since.

2 ... WHY?
Why do ships and aircraft use 'mayday' as their call for help?

BECAUSE
This comes from the French word m'aidez - meaning 'help me' - and is pronounced, approximately, 'mayday.'

3 ... WHY?
Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?

BECAUSE
In France , where tennis became popular, the round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is French for 'the egg.' When tennis was introduced in the US, Americans (naturally), mispronounced it 'love.'

4 ... WHY?
Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?

BECAUSE
In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became
synonymous.

5 ... WHY?
Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called passing the buck'?

BECAUSE
In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck,
from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing, he would 'pass the buck' to the next player.

6 ... WHY?
Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?

BECAUSE
In earlier times it used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or clink the host's glass with his own.

7.. WHY?
Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the limelight'?

BECAUSE
Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and theatres by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, a performer 'in the limelight' was the Centre of attention.

8 ... WHY?
Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'?

BECAUSE
Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud. If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.

9 ... WHY?
In golf, where did the term 'Caddie' come from?

BECAUSE
When Mary Queen of Scots went to France as a young girl, Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scots game 'golf.' He had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her.

Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into caddie.

10 ... WHY?
Why are many coin collection jar banks shaped like pigs?

BECAUSE
Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of dense orange clay called 'pygg'. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as 'pygg banks.' When an English potter misunderstood the word, he
made a container that resembled a pig. And it caught on.
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Bumperstickers

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."


"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."


"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."


"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"


"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."


"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."


"I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"


"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"


"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car"


"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."


"Where there's a will, I want to be in it!"


"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"


"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"


"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got."


"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."


"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."


"He who laughs last thinks slowest"


"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."


"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

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