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GentlejimGentlejim Blog (705)

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Donald and Hillary Go Into A Bakery on the Campaig

As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald, "See how clever I am?
The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.”
I will definitely win the election.

Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit.
I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.
Trump swallows it and asks for another one.
The owner gives him another one.
Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"
Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket"...




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The Magical Frog

There once was a magical frog who lived in a huge forest. The forest was so big that he had never seen another animal as long as he lived. One day he was walking to the stream when he happened to come across a bear chasing a rabbit for his lunch.

He stopped them and called them over and said "I'm a magical frog. Seeing as you are the first two animals I've ever seen in my life, I'll give you each three wishes. You may have one wish at a time, and the bear may go first, because he is the biggest."

The bear thinks about it for a while and finally says "I wish every bear in this forest besides me was a female." The frog snaps his fingers and says "It is done. Every other bear in this forest is now female. Rabbit, what's your first wish?"

The rabbit quickly says "I want a crash helmet". The frog thought this was a bit weird, but said nothing. He snapped his fingers and a crash helmet appeared in front of the rabbit, who then strapped it on without thinking twice.

The frog turns to the bear and says "What's your second wish?" The bear says "Well.. I wish every bear in the NEXT forest was a female." The frog snaps his fingers and says "It is done. Every bear in the next forest is female. Rabbit- Your next wish?"

The rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. This was too much for the bear, who thought the rabbit was wasting his wishes. "What the hell are you doing? Why don't you wish for all the money in the world and go BUY a motorcycle??" The rabbit replies "No, I want a motorcycle NOW" So the frog snaps his fingers and a motorbike magically appears in front of the rabbit, who proceeds to hop on and gun the engine. The frog then asked the bear what his last wish would be.

"Gee," said the bear, "this is going GREAT! I wish every other bear in the WORLD besides me was a female!" The frog snaps his fingers and says "It is done. Every bear on earth besides you is female. Rabbit, what's your last wish?"

The rabbit said- "I wish the bear was a homo".

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The 5 Facts of Life

A wise person once said...the 5 facts of life are:


1.. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.


2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks is much better.


3. Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.


4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Guinness, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.


And


5. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.



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A little trivia

A little trivia! This song is from what TV sitcom? No cheating!



Making your way in the world today Takes everything you’ve got; Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot. Wouldn’t you like to get away? All those nights when you’ve got no lights, The check is in the mail; And your little angel Hung the cat up by its tail; And your third fiance didn’t show; Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name, And they’re always glad you came; You want to be where you can see, Our troubles are all the same; You want to be where everybody knows your name. Roll out of bed, Mr. Coffee’s dead; The morning’s looking bright; And your shrink ran off to Europe, And didn’t even write; And your husband wants to be a girl; Be glad there’s one place in the world Where everybody knows your name, And they’re always glad you came; You want to go where people know, People are all the same; You want to go where everybody knows your name. Where everybody knows your name, And they’re always glad you came; Where everybody knows your name, And they’re always glad you came… confused
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Deer Camp

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he
snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with
him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with
his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened
to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all
night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing,
hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to
you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his
snoring. I watched him all night. The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was
a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast
bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't
believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed,
patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and
watched me all night." rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing
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Captain Rudolf Larrson

When I was young, Rudolf Larsson, lived across the road from us. He was a retired Norwegian sea captain and had long flowing flame red locks and a full beard. No-one in the neighbourhood ever went on holiday or arranged a wedding without consulting Captain Rudi because his weather forecasts were always accurate."My daughter's getting married on August 17th" - "Make sure that the outside photos are taken before 3 o'clock as it will rain at about 3:30 but only for one hour". "Late spring holiday? Just a bit colder than usual but no rain". I have never known him to be wrong!

I must have been about 8 or 9 when I asked Mum, "How can Captain Rudi tell what the weather will do?

"Well, son.........................




















Rudolf the red knows rain, deer!"
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And now you know "The Rest of the Story"!

He called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, so he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him." And the king continued on his way.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb arses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions. The practice is unbroken to this date and the democrat symbol was born!
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Riddle for Seniors

I know some of you are not considered seniors. Thought you might enjoy this any way.




Today's riddle for seniors... Here is the situation:

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop-off.

On your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?


See answer below ..............








Get off the merry-go-round and go home, you've had enough excitement for one day!


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Some good memories

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags,because plastic bags are not good for the environment.
The woman apologized to the young girl and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."

The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

The older lady said that she was right -- our generation didn't have the"green thing" in its day. The older lady went on to explain:
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over.So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable besides household garbage bags was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribbling's. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags. But, too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then.
We walked up stairs because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.

Back then we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts. Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days.Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.


But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.
Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

(Post continues in comments)
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Quote of the day!

Times Quote of the day -
> priceless Quote of the day by Dianne
> Feinstein......Dianne
> Feinstein: "All vets are mentally
> ill in some way and government should prevent them from
> owning firearms." Yep, - she really said it on
> Thursday in a meeting in front of the Senate Judiciary
> Committee.... And the quote below from the LA Times is
> priceless. Sometimes even the L.A. Times gets it
> right. Kurt
> Nimmo: "Senator Feinstein
> insults all U.S. Veterans as she flails about in a vain attempt to
> save her anti-firearms bill." Quote of the Day from the Los
> Angeles Times:"Frankly, I don't know what
> it is about California, but we seem to have a strange urge
> to elect really obnoxious women to high office. I'm not
> bragging, you understand, but no other state, including
> Maine, even comes close. When it comes to sending left-wing
> dingbats to Washington, we're Number One. There's no
> getting around the fact that the last time anyone saw the
> likes of Barbara Boxer, Dianne Feinstein, Maxine Waters, and
> Nancy Pelosi, they were stirring a cauldron when the curtain
> went up on 'Macbeth '. The four of them are like
> jackasses who happen to possess the gift of blab. You
> don't know if you should condemn them for their
> stupidity or simply marvel at their ability to form
> words."Columnist Burt > Prelutsky,Los Angeles Times
Be sure to forward this to all of
> the "mentally ill" vets you know. Especially the
> ones with guns.
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Woman takes husband on road trip in casket

An Alaskan woman took her husband on one last road trip in an aluminum casket, using ice to keep his body cold.

While she did not break the law, the mortuary has taken custody of the body, The Associated Press reported.

Authorities were called to check out the scene of what's being called a "rolling wake," the AP reported.

The woman put the casket of the 78-year-old man, who died of natural causes, in the truck bed.

Love knows no bounds!

Great story!thumbs up thumbs up thumbs up
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