A Bad Start
When I saw the mess on the pavement I sighed. It is garbage day and my brother-in-law took the dustbin out when he went to work this morning. The bin was on its side and the contents were strewn over the place; luckily mostly in smaller plastic shopping bags, but they were all torn and some of the contents were spilled out.Among others, a larger bin liner that was filled with old clothes that I had discarded during the week. Most were pulled out through the gaping hole in the side. Bloody dogs, I muttered as I started collecting the clothes.
“I hope you plan to clean up this mess when you’re done,” the voice said behind me. She had a terrible accent. I once met an English couple who spoke like that. They came from Yorkshire. I was pissed off and she did not improve my mood. I ignored her while I carried on with my menial task.
“My friend told me to look out for you vagrants raiding the dustbins and making a mess.” I still kept quiet, hoping she would go away. She disappointed me. “You South-Africans are very messy. I’m from England.”
“Yorkshire?” I asked, but more like a statement than a question.
“Yes, how did you know?” I almost told her I’m psychic but checked myself just in time. It would just have opened another topic for discussion.
“An educated guess”, I said while I righted the dustbin and started putting the bags back in the bin. For the first time I looked at her and wondered why she mistook me for a homeless person.
She was a rather plain Jane and in my slightly faded blue jeans, blue & white striped golf shirt and blue Nikes, I was certainly better dressed than her. My hair was neat; I only had it trimmed yesterday and I was cleanly shaved. Maybe I wore too much blue to her liking. I wondered if she would approve of my red underpants as I opened the gate to go back inside.
“Hey, where are you going?” she asked.
“I live here, do you mind?”
“Is it your house?”
No”, I said. At least that part was true. “The house belongs to an eccentric millionaire and I’m looking after it while he is abroad.”
“They say these eccentric millionaires are very stingy and they dress shabbily. Does he pay you to look after his house?”
“No, but he said that I may wear his clothes while he’s not here.” I don’t even feel guilty about all the lies. My brother-in-law is not a millionaire, he is not abroad and his clothes will be much too large for me.
She stared at me for a few seconds, probably trying to figure if I was serious. “You know, sarcasm won’t get you anywhere”, she said.
“True, but then I was not going anywhere. I’m not dressed for it.”
“Oh!! You are such an a**hole!” she said as she wheeled around on the one heel and sauntered across the road. Only then I noticed what a sexy a** she has. As she entered the granny flat across the road I realized that she was my neighbor's new tenant. Not a good start at all.
Comments (90)
Shame on you for misleading a unsuspecting non-Irish speaker.
You're more of a diplomat than I would ever have guessed.
Since my friend left my house to get married, no one is in my house when I am at work. So my house is like uninhabited at all.
Once when I was sweeping my house frontyard, a man passed by my house and asked me if there was the house owner inside. I told him that the owner was out busy doing something. He asked me when the owner would be at home. I told him that I didn't know. It might take long time for her before she would get in. The man said "Oh!", grinned and then left.
Another time, a woman asked me if the house owner would rent out the house. I asked her if the house was rented then where I should sleep. She then said "Oh! Sorry!"
Those are the beauty of being a complete stranger.
Many years ago, when I was still in school, my mother was working in the front garden dressed in a dust coat and wearing a straw hat. A fruit vendor came around and asked her if the 'madam' was at home. It was the joke of the year for a very long time.
I think the sensible and mature thing to do, is bide your time till next bin day then sneak out early and push her bin over.
No need for me to do that. The dogs and/or the 'bergies' (homeless) will do it anyway.
That won't do either. The council will only remove what is in the bin. Can you imagine what the neighborhood will look like after a week or two.
I don't think I'd be capable of that. I am kinda shy at times.
The accent I battled to understand and the bottoms... well, that I only noticed at the end of the encounter as she walked off.
i think it is a great punishment for minor crimes. It is ridiculous putting people in jail for those, it just costs a load of money, and does nothing positive.
Make that two cups; I'm lost as well.
Stand up for yourself, man!
We got a slap or a roaring at from a neighbour, so be it.
We usually deserved it
And I was in the right from the beginning for saying she was in the wrong
Now all you have to do is tell her to wear tight jeans and carry subtitles when she goes to the braai
Hopefully she'll wear less than that. They have a pool! Let's hope for a nice sunny day without wind.
That's right! To the smallest detail!
This might be a good start for the both of you.
Good luck Cat.
But quite honestly; I don't think much - if anything - will develop from this.
Baking pies is not my forte. nope
Well, at least she stood up to keep the neighborhood clean and tidy.
I'm not so sure about the happy ending. but at least we have a comfortable situation.
Its just an excuse, you know what I mean?
Ok.. maybe she didn't have quite a nice behind after all..
Take care Cat...
Talk about making a bad start ... indeed
My humblest apologies, but I said nothing bad about the people from Yorkshire. I merely mentioned the funny accent and that cannot count as defamation.