Comedy Blogs (1,863)

Only in America ...

I've been getting lots of new 'women' on here e-mailing me today wanting to "get to know me" with lots of red flags within their profiles and emails.

But to me, this one is the funniest red flag.

The profile of a lovely "new" woman on here states that she is an atheist, and then in 'her' paragraph below, it states that she is "god fearing".

So, in summary she doesn't believe in gods, but she's afraid of them.

Sitting here, watching the rain trickling down the windows in a steady stream, I thought about what God was doing. Was he watching the rain too? Placing bets on which spidery raindrop would touch the bottom of the panel first? Or maybe he was somewhere warm and dry, thinking about his recent mistakes.
We have lots of proof here in CS-land, that God chose Trump to be the worlds greatest superpower leader. We also have been told that mankind was given "free choice". So my thoughts turned to the idea that maybe God was giving us a test. To be more precise, giving Trump a test, to see if he can follow common sense or cast it aside as unimportant?
God works in mysterious ways, he giveth then he taketh away.
I guess being stuck in a house on a cold wet English autumn day is not conducive to clear thinking, maybe I should go for a long drive to clear my head.
Ah, a pub lunch will fix everything lol.

Being the president of the United States is a part-time job and I have proof.
I do.

In The New Yorker;

That's what it sounds like. A man and woman talking about their new house and the only problem is the ant infestation. Actually, it's not ants, it's aunts and it's a GEICO commercial!






"Expired, expired, expired..."

It should have happened a while ago.
I knew right from the start he was way in over his head
and didn't know what he was doing at all.
It was just a matter of time, and this was the only way he could 'save face'.

You may recall that I knew he would get impeached and you may recall that I accurately predicted it,
in writing on here, while others on here chastised me for doing so.

Well, I knew he would resign and he has.

Yep, he should have never played chess.
He thought it was like checkers and tried to jump pieces.
When I tried to teach him the game, it was too difficult for him and he resigned.

What ?

There's been quite a few times that musicians have complained,
that Trump has used their music as background without their permission.
Honestly it's happened a lot. They simply don't want to be identified with
a lying corrupt demagogue.
Here's an alphabetical partial list;

1 Adele
2 Aerosmith
3 The Beatles
4 Bruce Springsteen
5 Eddy Grant
6 Elton John
7 Guns N' Roses
8 Leonard Cohen
9 Linkin Park
10 Luciano Pavarotti
11 Neil Young
12 Nickelback
13 Panic at the Disco
14 Pharrell Williams
15 Prince
16 Queen
17 R.E.M
18 Rihanna
19 The Rolling Stones
20 Tom Petty
21 Village People

But here I am to the rescue.
I don't think anyone would object if the music was truth in advertising.
Considering how most of the dumb attendees to Trump's rallies don't socially distance and
don't wear face masks.
Here's a song that Trump SHOULD use;

I used to think it was universal that parents taught their young children number one was pee and number two was poo, but some kids just point to the front or back!