Comedy Blogs (1,863)

Heinz Looks for Man Who Survived a Month at Sea Eating Only Ketchup So They Can Buy Him a Boat

Spotting an opportunity to change someone’s life and nab some pretty stunning publicity in the process, Heinz is looking to get in contact with a Dominican sailor who survived four weeks adrift at sea with little more sustenance than a bottle of ketchup. The company wants to give the man a new boat with state-of-the-art navigation systems so as to avoid any future ordeals of this type.

Elvis Francois was out on his boat off the coast of St Maarten when the weather turned and started carrying him out into the open ocean. “I tried to back to port, but I lost track because it took me a while to mount the sail and fix the sail,” he said. “…I call my friends, my coworkers. They tried to contact me, but they lost service. There was nothing else I could do than sit down and wait.”

So Francois wrote ‘Help’ on the back of his boat and waited to see what happened with nothing more to eat other than a packet of garlic seasoning, a bottle of ketchup, and his lunch that day of Maggi soup. He was rescued by the Colombian navy, who brought him back to Cartagena for a medical examination that found he was “in good health.”

Heinz has put out a digital message in a bottle to try and contact Francois, to whom they would like to gift a new boat “equipped with full navigational technology to avoid another disaster in the future,” the company told CBS news. “We’re hoping to spread the word far and wide so Heinz can finally gift the new boat to Elvis,” the company said.

“We’re setting this message adrift into the sea of the internet, because if anyone can help us find him, it’s you,” the company said. “If you or anyone you know can help us get in contact with Elvis Francois, please drop us a DM.” So far they’ve contacted the government of Dominica where he lives, and the Colombian Navy, but currently have had no luck.

I'm thinking 'ketchup' man doesn't want any more lingering reminders of his ordeal at sea, so maybe he's hiding.

My wife said to me "look at our new neighbors. See the way he holds her, the way he kisses her. How come you don't do that?"

I said "because I don't know her well enough".

I worked with a guy who had lots of common sense but barely made it through high-school. It wasn't that he couldn't do the work, his mind was elsewhere. Friendly, strong personality, very likeable. He grew up in different parts of New York state and moved to South Florida more than 30 years ago. Anyone could hear his accent and know he hailed from 'Up North'

Forgetaboutit... may have been his favorite saying.
He did say things that I found funny and probably the best one I heard was when he pronounced moot point. It came out sounding like mute point. But, he may have thought it really was mute point.

I should have asked him.

A very dear friend of mine consulted a fortune-teller or a clairvoyant yesterday as the uncertainty of the globe put her into a very nervous state.
Well she said the lady told her that the current state of affairs is similar as to when a passenger sitting in a window seat just behind the wing of an aircraft that is flying at 40,000 feet and sees how the wing falls off. Not 2 seconds later the hostess very calmly announces that all passengers should immediately put their head between their legs and kiss their a$$ goodbye.

Needless to say that a couple of men in white coats have taken my friend to what they called a 'nervous' institution where she is currently undergoing sleep therapy.

Hoping to see her fully recovered after ww3.

God willing.

Before anyone asks .
The moral of the story is to stay faar away from any 'fortune-teller'. They know too much.

What's the definition of madness......?.......... the awnser is two bald men fighting over the last hairbrush in walmart..........

Whats the definition of pain........ .....well its a mouse sliding down a razor blade useing his balls for brakes....


And the last one is folks is did you ever hear the joke about the bag of coal...... well have you.....sorry its too dirty to tell ya.........??