Comedy Blogs (1,863)

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Anonymous sources are reporting heightened stress in the hallways of the White House. One source close to the Biden family revealed that the supply chain crisis currently gripping our nation has now reached the home of the Commander-In-Chief.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a White House staff member charged with stocking the East Wing with everyday necessities like tissues, toilet paper, young girls, ice cream, and underwear featuring maximum absorbency and a bold, masculine design for a smooth, sleek fit, has been having trouble finding that last item on the list.

“When I told the First Lady store shelves were empty, she yelled at me, then instructed the Secret Service to meet her in the White House craft room with a package of Huggies, some scissors, and rolls of duct tape,” said the exhausted staffer.

Some crazed conspiracy theorists claim the recent rise in FBI raids on senior living centers can be directly tied to the shortage of products promising incontinence protection for men in a variety of styles, absorbencies, and colors.

At press time, Dr. Jill Biden was overheard threatening to shorten Transportation Secretary Buttigieg’s six-month paternity leave if he did not solve the supply chain crisis quickly.

The press asked Jen Psaki if the Biden administration has the fortitude to get the economy flowing again while preventing further crises from leaking into his weak approval rating.

"Well, the answer to that is unclear at this time," said Psaki. "It Depends®."

???? LITTLE OLD LADY IN COURT ????

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Old Lady: I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down
beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Old Lady: He began to rub all over of my body.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now! '

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"
And that's when I sh*ot him, the little bast*ard.

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each bre*ast and he gently pinches each ni*pple.
He pushes her bre*asts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I’
He completes one last squeeze of her bre*asts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

So four dudes spend weeks planning the perfect camping and fishing trip to a remote and disconnected spot.
Two days before they are due to leave, Dave's wife puts her foot down and tells him he's not going.
His buddies are naturally pissed off that he can't go, but what can they do, they decide to push on
Two days later the three fellas arrive at the remote camp site to find Dave sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, beer open and fish cooking on the fire. Steve: 'Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?'
Dave: 'I've been here since last night.. Yesterday afternoon I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who..' I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie. She then took my hand and led me to our bedroom.The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. On the bed were handcuffs and ropes!She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, so I did.'
'And then she said:' 'Do whatever you want.'....So here....I am

As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifl*e-- which no longer works-- and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit.
I came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher.
"What are you doing" she asked.
"I thought I heard an intruder. I came down to scare him."
Scanning the contours of my doughy, nak*ed body, she mumbled,
"You didn't need the gu*n."

Pick up
Whatsapp...makeup...Putup
Pop up,stay up,sun up,roll up,set up and throw up...
Getup fedup...Giveup
Throwup....Cheeerup
Closeup....please don't tell me ...shutup

Most important Look up and be thankful
God is there....being hopeful
And having faith is ....upping our energy.
Welcome with any upping for this
Blog...
(For the Slow....any words with up
Or if ....say it....feel happy )

A bloke goes to the council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him,"Are you allergic to anything"
He replies, "Yes caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before."
"Yes I was in the army"he says,I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.
Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way"
The guy says "Yes,a mine exploded next to me when I was there and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says,"O.K.
You've got enough points for me to take you on right away.
Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.......but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am-and carry on starting at 10.00am everyday."
The bloke is puzzled and asks."If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm ,why don't you want me here until 10.00am..
I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know."
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job,"the
interviewer says, "For the first two hours,we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.There's no point coming in for that.".............

If you recall when Hillary lost, Republicans started in with the Hillary Derangement Syndrome for anyone who couldn't believe Trump won. They switched to the Trump Derangement Syndrome as Hillary faded out. Actually, it's not completely gone as I've seen mention of Hillary from time-to-time... probably used by the Obama was born in Kenya group.
So now it's their turn to whack Biden. Too bad he inherited a steaming pile of turd. Oh... when one administration is leaving office, they are to officially turn over the play book. Kinda like Trump telling Biden what deal(s) he made with the Taliban for the Afghanistan issue. You know... small things like that. Or, where money was appropriated for distribution of the new vaccine.

(I'm thinking Trump sabotaged the new administration and that trickles down to America as a whole.)

Those issues don't get considered. Probably because Republicans are saying Biden is a feeble, senile old man suffering from dementia. I know if you say anything many times (true or false) about something, people will eventually believe you. The Obama/Kenya thing for example. Yeah, Biden is one guy, a leader with a team of advisers. I read yesterday, someone called him Obambiden! Pretty funny... yeah?

The syndrome now isn't Democrats complaining about Trump. It's Republicans complaining about Biden. How many more certified voter recounts does America need??
I haven't checked, but I'm guessing there are a few blogs a week of Republicans suffering from BDS.

Take a look in the mirror as you say others are suffering from TDS reveals you are suffering from BDS.




Although the blog is tagged Comedy, it's really a serious matter.

The Male Cycle:
1. When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big ti*ts.
2. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big ti*ts, but there was no passion. I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
3. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. I decided I needed a girl with stability.
4. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
5. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. I decided to find someone with some real ambition.
6. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious lady with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
7. I'm older and wiser now and I’m looking for a woman with big ti*ts........

The following were the joke answers given by comedians, before attempting the correct answer;

Question = If you want to be liked by your boss, where should you sit, relative to your boss ?

Joke Answer by Whitney Cummings = "On his lap."

Question = True or false, the number one most popular drug being smuggled into jails last year was Viagra ?

Joke Answer by Byron Allen = "Oh man ! That's truly doing hard time."

Question = True or false, when conversing with someone you like, you generally blink more often ?

Joke Answer by John Lovitz = "Yeah, but that's due to the pepper spray."