Comedy Blogs (1,863)

NEW YORK, NY — District Attorney Alvin Bragg is reportedly set to indict Trump this coming Tuesday for the removal of a mattress tag back in 1997. According to sources, new evidence was discovered in the mattress tag cold case by grizzled Detective Harry Jakes, who utilized modern advances in forensic science to place former president Donald Trump at the scene of the crime.

"We got him dead to rights," said Bragg in an unnecessary press conference. "No one removes a mattress tag in my city and gets away with it!"

The mattress tag in question belonged to a Spring Air Conforma Foam mattress from '97, which historians claim featured a warning label advising mattress tags to not be removed:

Do Not Remove by Penalty of Law Except by the Consumer



In a surprise move, Trump has not denied the troubling accusation, though he maintains doing so was not illegal. "The tag says 'except by consumer.' I am a huge consumer. Probably the greatest consumer ever, and I had every right to remove that tag. The deep state is trying to dig up anything they can just to keep me from reclaiming the presidential throne."

"Witch hunt!"

Independent fact checkers have rated Trump's claim "a bald-faced lie," citing the fact that the president does not sit on a throne. Also, he is Trump and that is bad. The fact-check article does not make mention of the mattress tag issue directly, but does note, " broke both federal and international laws probably."

A United Nations committee has been assembled to investigate whether the matter qualifies as a war crime.

"This is an open and shut case. Now he'll never be president. I did it!" Bragg claimed before quickly correcting himself. "I mean, no one is above the law."

At publishing time, Trump's approval polling surged among mattress consumers who have long been befuddled by the mattress tag warning.

We don't need to get philosophical about it. It makes a sound. It does. Do you need to see webcam video as proof? It makes a sound and that's my final answer!

Over my lifetime, I spent 95% of my money on booze, drugs, and parties. The rest I just wasted

A new analysis of samples collected from a Wuhan seafood market has suggested for the first time a concrete link between some of the wild animals being illegally sold there and the origins of the COVID-19 pandemic, The Atlantic reported on Thursday.

The evidence points to raccoon dogs as the likely culprit, according to the analysis, which found that the animals may have been carrying and shedding the virus near the end of 2019.

The research was conducted by an international team of virologists, genomicists, and evolutionary biologists, according to The Atlantic—and though it’s not 100 percent definitive proof, it’s “a really strong indication that animals at the market were infected,” said Angela Rasmussen, a virologist involved in the investigation.

“There’s really no other explanation that makes any sense.” The magazine’s report comes just days after an Economist/YouGov poll showed that nearly two-thirds of Americans favor the lab leak theory over natural occurrence.

I've no-one to pick my bad mood out on, with

Anyone in the mood for taking, stick

One of the good days it was today.... a day of light and happiness no shadow formed against me shall prosper... ....and if you say what to that then I say do they speak English is what mother clucker.....


Again a joke BLOG not aimed at anyone but my foolish self......

space of disse

Not sure if a malfunction in the space of disse is the reason so many people here have such "shitty" livers

A parrot or a dog a parrot reports and shites on command......A dog stays with you for life accepts you 4 you and is as loyal as.....well if your a dog lover you'll know........

A man goes to bed one night and falls asleep. The next thing he knows, he is standing at the gates of heaven with St. Peter. He says "where am I?" St Peter replies "you died and you are at the gates of heaven. The man replied "omg no, I can't be dead, I got so much left to do. Can you please send me back to finish my life's work. St. Peter says "I can send you back but there is a catch, you must be sent back as a chicken. The man says "well, I'll find a way to get things done even as a chicken" so he agrees.

Next thing the man knows, he is in a farmers field as a chicken. The man thinks "well this isn't quite as bad as I thought it would be" so he mingles with the other chickens. After a while, he feels that strange feeling in his stomach, he asks the other chickens what was going on. They explained to him that he is ready to lay a egg so they tell him to just gently push and it will come out so the man pushes and sure enough, he lays an egg. The man feels another strange feeling so he pushes again to lay the second egg when all of a sudden he is slapped in the face by his wife who says "wake up you god damn old fool, your shitting in the bed!"

They abduct us at night probe us and implant microchips in our azzes how bizarre there leader is a red faced chucky doll called Donald trump.......

And they put Prozac in the water to distract our minds from the government's hidden agenda......


And yes the Kennedy's killed Marilyn Monroe...........


I DON'T BELIEVE THIS SHITE IT'S A JOKE BLOG SO RELAX PEOPLE OF EARTH AND BEAM ME UP SCOTTY.........