Comedy Blogs (1,863)

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor”
“Of course child. What may I do for you”
“Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me.. Hide it under your robes perhaps”
“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.”
“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you,” she replied.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare”
“From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.”
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor”
Father replied, “I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next please!”

This... guy is in serious trouble..

A Farmer orders an expensive milking
machine. He decides to test it on himself first, so he inserts his manhood into the equipment and turns on the switch. Soon he realizes that the equipment provides him with more pleasure than his wife does.
*But when the fun is over, he realizes that he cannot remove the instrument from his tool. Anxiously he reads the manual, but does not find any useful information.
**He tries every button on the instrument, without success.
Finally the Farmer decides
to call the customer hotline. *
*''Hello, I just bought a Cow Milking
Machine from your company, it works
fantastic, but how do you remove it from the cow's udder'' *
*"Don't worry sir'', replies the Customer
Service Person, ''the machine will release automatically once it has collected two litres!" ....

A woman home alone, answers a knock on the door to a man who just stood there and asked, "Do you have a vag*ina"
She slams the door in disgust and tells her husband that night when he got home from work.
The next morning she answers a knock on the door. Its the same man and he asks the same question. "Do you have a vag*ina"
Once again she slams the door.
She immediately gets on the phone and rings her husband at work.
He tells her he will take the day off tomorrow just in case the man shows up a third time.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both make for the door.
The husband whispers to his wife, "Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to tell him yes to his question, because I want to a see where he's going with this."
She nods, a yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there. He asks, "Do you have a vag*ina"
"Yes I do." says the lady.
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"
I think the man behind the door...
He's a dead man!....now

I have recently discovered my hidden artistic talent.

If anybody would like portraits of their pets done, just pm me for details.

Act quick because Christmas orders are filling up fast!!

I went to make an ooey gooey cheese sauce because a good sauce can be used to make many things taste better. I watched a you tube video for an easy sauce using 1 teaspoon of sodium citrate in broth. I don't know what sodium citrate is but I bought it and tried twice to make this easy cheese sauce. I only made an ugly cheese glob, a very tasty glob mind you. Not experimenting with that sodium citrate anymore.

My bro and BFF that he married both love dill pickles so I wanted to coat pickles in cheese and fry them - that didn't turn out so good either. I should be able to make taco shells from cheese but what I end up making is NOT a taco shell dammit. Whatever my end result is, it is edible and tasty but not a crunchy taco shell.

A taco truck was hanging out for months in front of my community and the other day I decided after 8 months on not eating anything processed - I was going to stop at that taco truck on my way home and buy a taco. When I got home - the truck was gone, had no clue it was going to move or where it went. I was having a bad day that day.

I'm on a mission to eat a really good taco.

From The New Yorker;

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?"

“Lecturer." She responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

“Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m Sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."

"Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba." .........
:
He came up with that name quick

Bud: ‘You can’t come in here!’
Lou: ‘Why not?’
Bud: ‘Well because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But I’m not sick.’
Bud: ‘It doesn’t matter.’
Lou: ‘Well, why does that guy get to go in?’
Bud: ‘Because he’s vaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But he’s sick!’
Bud: ‘It’s alright. Everyone in here is vaccinated.’
Lou: ‘Wait a minute. Are you saying everyone in there is vaccinated?’
Bud: ‘Yes.’
Lou: ‘So then why can’t I go in there if everyone is vaccinated?’
Bud: ‘Because you’ll make them sick.’
Lou: ‘How will I make them sick if I’m NOT sick and they’re vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But they’re vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘But they can still get sick.’
Lou: ‘So what the heck does the vaccine do?’
Bud: ‘It vaccinates.’
Lou: ‘So vaccinated people can’t spread covid?’
Bud: ‘Oh no. They can spread covid just as easily as an unvaccinated person.’
Lou: ‘I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. Look. I’m not sick.
Bud: ‘Ok.’
Lou: ‘And the guy you let in IS sick.’
Bud: ‘That’s right.’
Lou: ‘And everybody in there can still get sick even though they’re vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘Certainly.’
Lou: ‘So why can’t I go in again?’
Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘I’m not asking who’s vaccinated or not!’
Bud: ‘I’m just telling you how it is.’
Lou: ‘Nevermind. I’ll just put on my mask.’
Bud: ‘That’s fine.’
Lou: ‘Now I can go in?’
Bud: ‘Absolutely not?’
Lou: ‘But I have a mask!’
Bud: ‘Doesn’t matter.’
Lou: ‘I was able to come in here yesterday with a mask.’
Bud: ‘I know.’
Lou: So why can’t I come in here today with a mask? ….If you say ‘because I’m unvaccinated’ again, I’ll break your arm.’
Bud: ‘Take it easy buddy.’
Lou: ‘So the mask is no good anymore.’
Bud: ‘No, it’s still good.’
Lou: ‘But I can’t come in?’
Bud: ‘Correct.’
Lou: ‘Why not?’
Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But the mask prevents the germs from getting out.’
Bud: ‘Yes, but people can still catch your germs.’
Lou: ‘But they’re all vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘Yes, but they can still get sick.’
Lou: ‘But I’m not sick!!’
Bud: ‘You can still get them sick.’
Lou: ‘So then masks don’t work!’
Bud: ‘Masks work quite well.’
Lou: ‘So how in the heck can I get vaccinated people sick if I’m not sick and masks work?’
Bud: ‘Third base.

Graham Martin is in Hospital:
Who the hell is GRAHAM?
Well Graham is the geezer who got home late one night and Helen his wife, says. "Where the hell have you been?"
Graham replies. "I was getting a tattoo!"
"A tattoo?" She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar note on my privates." He said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar note tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want."
Graham is now in The Critical Care Unit, Room 233. No visitors until further notice...............

An elderly lady was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, my hearts dearest etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.' The elderly lady hung her head, 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped out.....of. my mind about 10 years ago,he is a moron. and I'dont care. To..ask this cranky old Dum...Dum...what his name is