Comedy Blogs (1,863)

Today in The New Yorker;

More play on Mary Trump's book reveals and tying it into other aspects of Dirty Don
from Andy Borowitz.



Satire from The Borowitz Report

Pence Accused of Taking Trump’s Coronavirus Tests for Him

By Andy Borowitz

July 8, 2020

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—In a scandal that threatens to upend Donald Trump’s Presidency, a new book accuses Trump of paying Vice-President Mike Pence to take his coronavirus tests for him.

According to the book, “Swapping Swabs: Trump’s Pandemic of Lies,” when the subject of being tested for the virus first came up, in March, Trump started casting about for a “good test-taker” to substitute for him.

Trump considered several candidates for the ruse, including his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, and the Attorney General, William Barr, but ultimately settled on Pence, who agreed to take the tests for the fee of twenty-five dollars per result.

Reportedly, Pence initially balked at the proposal, expressing concern that it “would look bad” if the truth about his taking Trump’s coronavirus tests came out, but Trump brusquely shut him down.

“I’ve never taken my own tests, and I’m not going to start now,” Trump allegedly snapped.


Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian
who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.

Sure, most of America knows better than to vote for a corrupt lying demagogue, who divides America and can't balance his own bank account.
But, are they the only voice ?
Lets be fair and hear from the minority, who think Trump is good for America.
I know. Sure, we've heard far too much nonsense from them already. But, the people in this pro-Trump ad are
somewhat less obnoxious. They calmly, tell us, what Trump means to them without the moronic name calling.
Watch fully & give a complete listen and let me know what you think;

Previous experience required.






Now I cannot post so short a blog. They need fifty (50) characters. What exactly for?

...Millennial social justice UEBER warrior, Claira Janover, stupidly barked into her cell phone, onto social media, that if anyone uses the phrase "all lives matter" one more time, she was going to stab them.
Seems as though MEGA accounting firm, Deloitte, a London shop, with global reach, which had just offered her a fat job, quickly nixed the deal. We guess that they weren't excited about having someone with these behaviors, working along side of their other more grounded employees. She specifically directly blames Trump supporters and conservatives for ratting on her privileged little arse.
Of course, it's all the more delicious, in that she had just finished as a coed at Harvard. But better still, she later begins to cry hysterically during an interview. Claiming, ceteris parabus, that she was merely just trying to "leave her indelible mark" on the many honorable efforts to end racism. Once and for all.
Google it, for further belly laugh details, and more of her strident PC comments on her single handed quest to revamp our irredeemable and basket of deplorable, racist, capitalist, MERKUN society.
She briefly holds it together, having the heavy accent Millennial speak going, and in short order, hits the world with a bevy of the usual PC accusations, as to how her broadcasting of her virtues, leaves the Right far behind.
But alas, the performance quickly shifts to copious tears and flapdoodle, repeating over and over again, "but I worked so hard to get that job!"
Watch it on an empty stomach, but do watch it. Wonder if any of her act was learned at the feet of her learned professors. Harvard Square trust fund people---who doesn't just adore them all?

Add you own punchline for this cartoon.

My first one is;

"Whose dumb idea was it to send all the king's horses ?
A doctor, or veterinarian, or even someone with crazy glue would have been helpful !"

Here's the cartoon (click on it to reduce size);

Please protesters, stop tearing down national monuments... I just heard for every one you take down, Don Jr. will have one erected of his father!

Think about that before you get the rope out...

Some people blame ALL democrats for whatever and about as many other people blame ALL Republicans for whatever, right? I think that is what turns me off to hearing what they have to say because I don't believe in the ALL of it. I don't think either of the parties ALL belive on the same issues, granted that the majority of each party believes in its one sided issue.

So when anyone starts anything with All dems or ALL republicons they immediately nulify what they have to say because they are starting off wrong in my eyes.

This is not a fact, just my opinion and I'm sticking to it.

$ 2 Thousand couldn't get me to endure one of his rallies.
Heck, given his history of not paying people, and broken promises, even a promise of $20,000 wouldn't get me to go. It wouldn't be worth it.....in more ways than one.

Trump and his minions were actually bragging about how much interest there was in Trump's then upcoming rally in Tulsa Oklahoma, a state he had handily won in 2016.
But most of the interest turned out to be teenagers ACTING like they had interest to see Trump spew
blame & hatred on others. Instead of the 1 Million people who were supposedly going to overflow out of the under 20,000 seats spilling onto the grounds, they couldn't even come close to filling the arena. There were plenty of empty seats and no waiting outside. It turns out that the teenagers plotted on social media site Tic Toc to request seats and then fake that they were unable to attend. One gal even posted a video of her with a fake cough, stating that was the reason she couldn't go.

The children planned everything and took everything down from the media, so it would not get leaked into mainstream media.

Happy Father's Day Donnie.

Spending it with Ivonka ? You better not request the present you really want from her.

West Virginia will remove a statue of actor and comedian Don Knotts that is located in his hometown of Morgantown, WV.

Knotts, is best known for his role as Barney Fife, the bumbling deputy on The Andy Griffith show. His film roles include ‘The Ghost and Mr. Chicken’, ‘The Apple Dumpling Gang’, & ’The Incredible Mr. Limpet’. Knotts was also a trained Shakespearean actor and won a Tony award for his portrayal of Othello.

It was his role as Barney Fife, however, that caused many protestors to demand the statues removal. “Barney Fife, was a nervous, twitchy little man with an itchy trigger finger” said protestor Joanne Miller. “He was dirty. He was always sniffling, so he was probably on cocaine or hopped up on goofballs or something. He was always looking to shoot someone with his one bullet. Thank God Andy was there to control this madman or Goober or Otis might have gotten shot. I bet he was racist too, if there were ever any black people on the show we would have known.”Don Knotts Statue in Morgantown, West Virginia

Barney was written up many times and was an incident waiting to happen. After numerous misfires, Andy restricted Barney to carrying his gun unloaded, with only one bullet in his shirt pocket, “in case of an emergency.” However, Barney tends to load his gun unnecessarily, and often ends up firing it into the floor, the ceiling, or his own gun holster.

Psychologist Carl Reznick, described Barney Fife as, “outwardly smug and self-important, covering up his insecurities and low self-confidence with a display of bravado. He presents himself as an expert on such diverse subjects as firearms, martial arts, women, singing, wilderness survival, psychology and American history. He frequently tries to impress others with his knowledge or skill in areas where his expertise is actually quite limited. He wishes to be perceived as ‘a man of the world,’ but he is actually quite naïve, and his fear of appearing ignorant leaves him easily duped.”null

Furious Andy Griffith fans responded by writing angry posts on social media. Cindy Spivak posted in an Andy Griffith fan group, “This is an outrage, Barney Fife is a fictional character. What’s next!? ‘Car 54 Where Are You?’, ‘Barnaby Jones’, ‘Murder She Wrote’, ‘Matlock’!? This is my Pearl Harbor. I demand a civil war now!”

*BTW – This is Satire – Names, characters, business, events and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental !

By MadhouseMagazine.com