Comedy Blogs (1,863)

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from New Orleans.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
* The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."
* The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000. That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."
* The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$27,000."
The official, incredulous, says:
"You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure? ”
The Chicago contractor whispers back:
"$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence."
* "Done!" replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.

connecting singles ,,,this is where you get a chance completely free of charge , to portray ones self to a world wide audience in the hope of meeting or chatting to like minded people,,
Be it through private messaging ,blogs or forums,
well as most realistic people can see that maybe the CS,,should stand for clown show ,because this site is not lacking there ,
if you take away , politics ,religion , and covid .then sadly the clowns are lost , left scratching their heads because thought provoking discussion is not logged into what few brain cells that they own ,
then you have the cat fights ,where by the females of the species openly go to war against one and each other , with out any regards to what the subject matter maybe , and they are not on their own either as the men folk are not much better all be it ,they do tend to calm down with in a day or two ,
i just wonder if this is just keyboard bravado or are these people like this in the real world ????
if what is portrayed on here is reality then the future is not very bright for any siblings of these people or for man kind in that case ,
SO to all the genuine people i say have a great day ,,,,,,

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Johnny", if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" ?
Johnny...
said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' ??
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. ??
And you, Michael?
can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?
Michael....
said: 'I would say: honey..., may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.' ????
The teacher fainted...????

In the South, all of you has been replaced with Y'all.
This happened long before the time of the Civil War.
Everyone is included when you say Y'all.
But... (there's always a but) if Y'all isn't enough, you can make it plural and say Y'all's as in "I needs to knows what Y'all's want for the barbecue on Saturday"
Yeah, all of you!

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER
Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand-new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband
PS don’t try to find me. Your SISTER, Carla, & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
.
.
.
Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping, too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a haircut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if I can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers, I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So, when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone ... Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Your Free and Rich EX-Wife
PS … I hope you and my SISTER have a great life.
By-The-Way, did she tell you her name use to be 'Carl' before her operation?....

..... having home runs hit off your head.



That's using your head, Jose.

A Camera and A Network Connection , one deadly combo , which can capture some real disastrous moment and distribute publicly around the Globe !!!

Here is one example...

If there is something like God and also if
God is the creator and then if I were that God.
The creation would be:
There is no other species other than the 'homo sapiens'. No childhood or aged fellas but the young, immortal, glamorous, beautiful chicks and handsome guys. Means, no birth or death. No hunger or sex, there is only love inducing o*gasm without penetration. There is no galaxy but the planet earth without boundaries or countries. There would be brightness like
the day but without a sun. The spotless moon in the center with the stars placed around multidimensionally configured in a particular fashion and pattern. The existence is limited to just that premise.
No science and, therefore, no scope of either the theories, natural selection, etc. or of evolution. Its static and not dynamic creation and so science is not required per se.
That's it. My creation is ready for use.
Actually I groomed to be that fantastic creator, inspired by a renowned biochemist named Himunastics, reading her blog on a site, "DC, i.e. the Defuunct Couples" where she narrated a story of one illusory guy called Murk and another scholarly guy called Junk.
The story goes like:
One day Murk forgot to carry his tiffin and so he imagined a platter in front of him with bread and sauce on it and started eating his own imagined food. Now the wise Junk was bewildered, watching this episode. He asked Murk what he was eating when there is no food. Murk told him about how he managed the food by his vivid imagination.
Junk, "you idiot, if you were to do it that way, then you could have done with all sorts of yummy yummy eatables around you on all sides taking a bit from any or all".
The end of the creation and the told story for that matter.
Hope you enjoyed my creation and the inspiring story.

Husband comes home drunk and breaks some crockery,
vomits and falls down on the floor...
Wife pulls him up and cleans everything.
Next day wen he gets up he expects his wife to be really angry with. him....
He prays that they shouldd not have a
fight..
He finds a note near the table...
"Honey..your favourite breakfast is ready on the table,
i had to leave early to buy grocery...
i'll come running back to you, my love.
I love you. ...
He gets surprised and asks his son..,
'what happened last night..?
Son told...,"
when mom pulled you to bed and tried
removing your boots and shirt..
you were dead drunk and you said......
"Hey Lady ! Leave Me Alone...
I M Married !!!”.............