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On the way to school today I heard too much of news regarding to Oscars 2015 from yesterday...



Any one here watched this and what do you think?

Do you talk to yourself? I grew up believing that it is the first sign of insanity but apparently it is not so bad. Only when you have full conversations with yourself, you need to get worried. It may be a sign of schizophrenia.

Normal conversation is defined as verbal exchanges between two or more persons; therefore talking to oneself can hardly be described as conversation though politicians, preachers, parents, teachers, and the likes of them often talk to themselves, believing that those who are being addressed by them are actually listening.

My friends too often talk to themselves when we sit in a noisy place. Being somewhat hard of hearing, I cannot hear a thing when there is noise or music in the background. I learned to watch their facial expressions and I have developed a set of gestures, headshakes, and more facial expressions that I use to return conversation while they are blissfully unaware that they are talking to nobody but themselves.

Then of course, there are those who talk to the TV set. Discounting voice recognition technology to change channels, we all know that neither the TV, nor the person(s) displayed on the screen can hear or respond to you. Yet, you will often find people warning those on the screen of impending dangers, while coaches will sit on their couches in their lounges coaching their teams to victory or defeat.

This does not conform to the definition of normal conversation and must also be seen as talking to oneself. It is just as well those players cannot hear their coaches sitting on their couches; they damn well won’t know who to listen to.

But the clever people say that talking to oneself is not limited to verbal speech. Writing is also talking to yourself if it is not addressed to somebody in particular. Mind you, that sounds familiar. I have seen some blogs and comments doing exactly that; sometimes asking questions only to answer them as well in the next comment.


Well, enjoy the weekend or what is left of it.

Harry had been feeling sick lately and was finally convinced to see the Doctor after his wife Suzy’s urging. After a thorough examination, and much thought, the Doctor was ready to tell Harry and a very worried Suzy, his prognosis. Harry was too stressed out. He would need 6 months of pure relaxation. Suzy, very agitated, took out her notepad to begin writing down his list of orders for these months of relaxation. “How should I go about it?” asked Harry. “OK” said the doctor “I would like your wife to take one tranquilizer four times a day…”

1. We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea.
Runs in our jeans.

2. Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor guy.

3. I tried to catch fog yesterday,
Mist.

4. Why did the scarecrow get a raise?
He was outstanding in his field.

5. Parallel lines have so much in common.
It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

6. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.
You have my Word.

7. My wife accused me of being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.

8. What do you call a woman on the arm of a banjo player?
A tattoo.

9. I called a psychic once. She asked who was on the line,
so I hung up.

10. I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.

The day finally arrived.Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.



He is at the
Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the
gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the
gatekeeper.


St. Peter said,
'Well,Forrest, it is certainly good to see
you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you,
though, that the place is filling up fast, and we
have been administering an entrance examination for
everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it
before you can get into Heaven.'



Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be
here, St. Peter, sir.
But nobody ever told me about any
entrance exam. I sure hope the test ain't too hard. Life was a big
enough test as it was.'


St. Peter continued,
'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.



First:


What two days
of the week begin, with the letter T?



Second:


How many seconds are there in a year?


Third:


What is God's first name?


Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the
next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and
says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the
questions over, tell me your
answers.'




Forrest replied,
'Well, the first one -- which two days in
the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is
easy. That would be.... Today and Tomorrow .'



The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest,
that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a
point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give
you credit for that answer. How about the next one?'

asked St. Peter.


'How many
seconds in a
year?



Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk
about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'


Astounded, St. Peter said,
'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in
Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?



Forrest
replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be
twelve:


January 2nd,
February 2nd, March 2nd...
'



'Hold it,
interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going
with this, and I see your point, though that was not
quite what I had in mind... but I will have to give
you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the
third and final
question.




Can you tell
me God's first
name'?


'Sure,'
Forrest replied, it's Andy. '



'Andy?'

exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. Ok, I can
understand how you came up with your answers to my
first two questions, but just how in the world did
you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'






You are
going to love this
....






'Shucks,
that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied.
'I learnt it from the
song,









ANDY WALKS WITH
ME,





ANDY TALKS WITH
ME,





ANDY TELLS ME I
AM HIS OWN.'









St. Peter
opened the Pearly Gates, and said:
"Run, Forrest,
run!"




Lord, Give
me a sense of
humor,


Give
me the ability to understand a clean
joke,


To get
some humor out of
life.


And to
pass it
on.

Q: What do you call a dog who can do magic?

(scroll down)






















A: Labracadabrador

The other day somebody posted a blog about what women really mean when they say something. I’m afraid we also have such a ‘secret code’ and to eliminate some of the confusion, I thought it wise to list some of these phrases.


You really look pretty/beautiful/gorgeous today.
I want sex tonight.

I love you.
I want sex and I want it now.

You are pretty when you wake up.
I know you're probably going to be late for work, but I want sex before we get up.

You look just fine.
You look ghastly but I don’t want you sulking all day and I still want sex tonight.

Why don’t you and the kids visit your mother this afternoon and leave the kids there for the night?
I want to play pool this afternoon while you’re with your mom and have uninhibited sex tonight while the kids are not around.

I want to spend a quiet afternoon at home today.
I want to watch the game on TV and have sex afterwards.

We must spend more quality time together.
We don’t have sex often enough.

Of course I’ll massage your feet.
Great! We always have sex afterwards.

Must I fix the shower today?
What is the hurry? We never have sex in the shower.

I’ll fix the stove as soon as I get a chance.
Call the electrician. I won’t get a chance because I must fix the bed that we broke last night. I know you don’t like having sex on the floor.

I’ll fix the toilet later.
Later is an unspecified time. I don’t like this job and will do it as soon as we are up to our ears in the shit. We don’t need a toilet to have sex.

I’ll see what I can do.
Call the plumber. I don’t know how to fix toilets and I don’t want to smell poo all the time while we have sex.

Well, these are just a few but I’m sure it will be of great assistance. It should help to translate a lot of other phrases. Once you get to understand our basic needs, it becomes easy. Women like to think the men only think about sex but the above clearly demonstrates that it is not so.


You have a great day out there.

So I hop out of the shower. Standing naked in front of the mirror, I start brushing my teeth. Okay, next, I grab for the Q-tips. You know, you gotta keep your ears clean. Following all that, I grab my pit spray. Spraying my pits, it hits me. What the hell purpose does a man's nipples serve? Why do men have them? Hmmmmmmmm????? I thought they would have a purpose if I pierced them.

The only thing I can think of, do women get sexually aroused from a man's nipples? Otherwise, what in the world are they there for?

I will be leaving here shortly for dinner but I will be responding to comments when I get back.

Black & White?"

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." said the mother.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So then, why is the groom wearing black?"

"Left-Handed?"

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten.
His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother remarked, "doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and He did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"
"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!

"The Flight to Egypt"

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.
"I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius-the Pilot." said Kyle.

"White Hair"

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and asked, Why are some of your hairs white, Momma?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this for a while and then asked, "Momma, how comeALLof Grandma's hairs are white?"

"A New Twist to an Old Tale"

My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night.
Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad libs parts of the stories for fun.
One day his youngest son was sitting in his first- grade class. The teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home.
She said, "And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and asked, 'Pardon me, sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
My friend's son, remembering his dad's humorous rendition of the story, raised his hand and said, "I know! I know!
The man said: 'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'"


Smile...God loves you!

Background

My dearest wife is always going on and on and ON about NOT making a fuss over her on Valentine's Day. She repeats that it's the thought that counts.

Well, I put a lot of thought into the gifts from previous February 14ths but she didn't quite take to any of them like I assumed she would. Here's my list - see what you think:

Brand new mop and bucket. I was thinking it would be fun to see what colour the floor was because I couldn't remember.

Romantic dinner at fast food restaurant.
I was thinking that she might like to go inside for a change instead of fetching dinner at the drive through.

Chocolates left-over from last year's candy box. I was thinking of how proud she'd be of me for not wasting food. She's been nagging me for years to recycle.

Midnight moped ride through the park. I was thinking that I'm getting too old to be peddling on the bike.

Dozen roses printed on high quality photo paper. One of my favourites things! I was thinking these would last a lifetime instead of just a week.

45 second back massage. I was thinking any longer and she might think I was interested in something else.

Windows 8.1 I was thinking how proud she would be to be a part of the technology crowd.

Last evening I paid a courtesy visit to the elderly couple who bought my house last year. I should have done it earlier but I have been so busy lately that I forgot to get around to it.

I was received rather stiffly but they invited me into the house. It was a queer feeling to be a guest in the house that was mine for so long. We made some small talk chatting about the weather and what not while the new lady of the house made coffee but the conversation just did not flow. The atmosphere was so thick, you could cut it with a knife! I decided to leave as soon as we had coffee.

When the hostess arrived back, she served the coffee and sat down. “Why didn’t you tell us the house is haunted?” she blurted it out. I was dumbstruck. I lived in the house for more than 30 years, 25 of them alone, and there never was a problem. I got visions my late grandfather patrolling the passage with his shotgun.


She went on to explain that her crockery starts rattling in the kitchen cupboards at random times, day or night and that it is driving them crazy. And just then, as if on cue, the crockery in the kitchen started rattling. They were petrified and I started laughing.

There is a well point in the garden with a raised reservoir. I rigged the ball valve of a toilet cistern to a micro switch to turn the pump on when the reservoir is not full. The pump is in a small locked enclosure on the back verandah next to the kitchen wall. Two mounting bolts are attached to the floor and two to the kitchen wall. Somehow, the vibration of the pump is transferred, along the otherwise solid wall, to the build-in kitchen cupboards. I had it all the time but I was so used to it that it did not bother me.

I took them outside to show them the ‘ghost’. When we went back into the house, my host produced a bottle of brandy and very soon we were laughing about the whole story. They thought I came to offer them half price they paid me, to buy my haunted house back.


You have a great day out there!