Last Commented Comedy Blogs (1,864)

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

As this is an over 18's site I should be safe to talk about this I remember when it happened as if it were yesterday, though in reality it happened in about 1956 The house where I was born in London had a high wall around it but in the middle were pillars so I could peek through & see the world go by, not that there was ever much activity it being a quiet road, anyway it must have been summer as I was looking through the gaps when a group of older boys came along, they must have been the local gang of "tearaways" as without any warning whatsoever they turned my life inside out, not a thought for my sanity they stopped & one of them said those words, the most feared words a boy of four could ever hear " You know there is no Santa Claus " , well I was stunned but still held on to the forlorn hope they were wrong & rushed inside to consult my mother, I can't now remember what she said but my parents went on with the fraud for years after, but deep down inside I knew it was true, I had been born into a world without Santa Or had I, on the BBC news last night they showed Santa's progress around the world & you can now even track him on Google But just to be on the safe side this year I decided, just in case he didn't arrive, that I should solve my biggest problem myself, I've been stretching it longer & longer in the last few years, to the point where it's too hard to use, I consulted a specialist & he told me I'd over done it with the file on my teeth as well as over stretching it, well what did he expect, you need sharp teeth there was nothing else I could do but treat myself to a new chain for my chainsaw



Merry Christmas bloggers

At the root of every gray hair, there is a dead brain cell.

Someone had to remind me,
So I'm reminding you, too.
Don't laugh..... It is all true!

Perks of reaching 50
Or being over 60
and heading towards
70 & beyond!

1.
Kidnappers are not very
Interested in you.

2.
In a hostage situation,
You are likely to be released first.

3.
No one expects you to run --
Anywhere.

4.
People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask,
'Did I wake you?'

5.
People no longer view you as a
Hypochondriac.

6.
There is nothing left
To learn the hard way.

7.
Things you buy now
Won't wear out.

8.
You can eat
Supper at 4 PM.

9..
You can live without sex
But not your glasses.

10.
You get into heated arguments
About pension plans.

11..
You no longer think of speed limits
As a challenge..

12.
You quit trying to hold
Your stomach in no matter who walks
Into the room.

13.
You sing along
With elevator music.

14.
Your eyes won't get
Much worse.

15.
Your investment in health insurance
Is finally beginning to pay off.

16..
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
Than the national weather service..

17.
Your secrets are safe with your friends
Because they can't remember them either.

18.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to
A manageable size.

19.
You can't remember
Who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all
In big print
For your convenience.

Forward this to everyone
You can remember.

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:

Never, NEVER,NEVER,
Under any circumstances,
Take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on
The same night!


"Good friends are like stars...You don't always see them, but you know they are always there."

Office Holiday Memo
To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
Work requests are not to be filed under “Bah humbug.”
Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house.
All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday!

Your Eggnog’s Too Strong

If you see a fat man…
Who’s jolly and cute,
wearing a beard
and a red flannel suit,
and if he is chuckling
and laughing away,
while flying around
in a miniature sleigh
with eight tiny reindeer
to pull him along,
then lets face it…
Your eggnog’s too strong!!!

Christmas Card From Pets:

We, your cats,
at Christmas say,
Thanks for caring
for us each day.
We love this season,
all green and red,
And by the way,
the hamster’s dead.
Meow, glub, meow, glub,
a merry Christmas Wish.
Meow, glub, meow, glub,
from your cat and goldfish.
I’ve always loved
the Christmas Feast.
I’ve heard this year
it’s ham.
Too bad I’ve other
plans this time.
Love, Your Pot-bellied Pig named Sam.

Who are you?

This is too hilarious and it would be a sin not to share it here

Beautiful Sunday here. Just had my second mug of hot chocolate

Have a lovely Sunday everyone!

Check this out! You may learn something amazing! :)