online today!
Does this sound like your day at work some times?............
I asked the corporate wellness officer, “Can you teach me yoga?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
The reason we “nod off to sleep” is so it looks like we’re just emphatically agreeing with everything when we’re in a boring meeting.
Teamwork is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
I always tell new hires, don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.
My resumé is just a list of things I hope you never ask me to do.
There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.
My annual performance review says I lack “passion and intensity.” I guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.
I get plenty of exercises – jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
I use artificial sweetener at work. I add it to everything I say to my boss.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
The boss frowns on anyone yelling: “Hey Weirdo!”
He says too many people look up from their work.
If our boss makes a mistake, it is our mistake.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
To err is human, to blame it on someone else shows management potential.
I don’t work well under pressure… or any other circumstance.
"Of course Trump wants to defund the World Health Organization.
It stands for things he hates. The world, health and organization."
~ Stephen Colbert
The attack started at exactly 2am.
I have no idea from where this came. Sometimes I think they just materialise from thin air. Very difficult to find during daytime, their camouflage is something any army can learn from, and how they home in on their night attacks shows they have some advanced heat seeking ability for blood. Minute Draculas. The buzzing sound is loud enough to wake you from a deep sleep, and ominous enough to keep you awake.
So groggily you push off the covers determined to hunt down this enemy to sleep. Except that these flying nuisances have this knack of disappearing the second you decide to wage war on them, only to return to attack again the minute you switch off the light, exasperated, frustrated, defeated, but determined to fumigate the room come daylight. Except you don’t always do, thinking they’re somehow gone and you’re ok.
Which of course you wouldn’t be, and go through the buzzing, the attacks, with subsequent exasperations and another sleepless night searching for the bastards.
For of course, after losing a two hour battle, switching on the bedside light and getting out of bed several times in the process, sleep afterwards becomes impossible.So headphones, Spotify and Queen nostalgia take up the rest of the night.
But determination is peaked to seek and destroy come dawn. In the meantime, Queen drowns any buzzing.
And a reminder that the corona virus is still invisibly ‘buzzing’ about too, so act safe and stay safe.
Peace
A sale price would be a; slicey pricey.
Add your own, if you like.
Hot off the press - Today in The New Yorker;
In response to:
Satire from The Borowitz Report
Trump Calls Biden’s Pro-Empathy Message Offensive to Sociopaths
By Andy Borowitz
August 21, 2020
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it “hurtful and insulting,” Donald J. Trump on Friday said that Joe Biden’s pro-empathy speech at the Democratic National Convention was “deeply offensive” to the nation’s sociopaths.
Blasting Biden’s incendiary pro-compassion rhetoric, Trump said that the “roomful of sociopaths” with whom he watched the speech found it “alienating and divisive.”
“I was watching with Jared, Stephen Miller, and Mitch McConnell, and when Biden started in on the empathy stuff, we all felt very alone,” he said. “He said that he wants to be a President for all Americans, but I guess that doesn’t include sociopaths.”
Calling Biden “a puppet of compassionate extremists,” he demanded that the former Vice-President apologize to every sociopath in the country.
“Sociopaths have feelings, just not for other people,” he said.
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian
who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.
online today!
I said "I'm really nervous. Girls can smell fear and right now I'm reeking of it".
My buddy replied "what you talking about, all I smell is garlic and fish, now come on lets go find you a woman"
From The New Yorker;
In response to:
Satire from The Borowitz Report
Ivanka Trump Applies for Job, as Biden’s Daughter
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what many viewed as an ominous sign for Donald J. Trump’s re-election prospects, Ivanka Trump has applied for a job as Joe Biden’s daughter.
Trump’s job application, which was leaked to the press on Saturday, included her promise to make Biden’s Presidency “even more successful” than her father’s.
“As awesome as Ivanka Trump has been, I believe Ivanka Biden will be even more awesome,” she wrote.
Trump appeared to have difficulty finding tangible achievements to include on her application, other than “Did not write a tell-all book.”
Finally, she ended her application with an attempt to boost her chances of being hired as Biden’s daughter: “You don’t have to take Jared.”
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian
who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.
Mary Trump's book on her Uncle Donald is out today.
Dirty Don's brother sued to keep the book from getting published,
but a judge ruled against it.
In the book Mary Trump writes that Donald's father,
was "a high functioning sociopath".
Stephen Colbert's joke following this information was....
"too bad that Donald's father didn't pass down the 'high functioning' part of that."
online today!
Since we've been dallying here concerning English, I thought I'd mention this fellow, widely thought of as 'the father' of the language. And needless to say, whenever such a phrase is heard, many names come to mind, not least the Bard himself, or the committee that he may have been. But what of Chaucer?
Well, in one of the Ueber-alt-liberal Beeb's programs, I learned a bit about him. First of all, he was well born, and wore many hats, during his half century of life. For a man living in the second half of the 14th century, he traveled a good deal, from the Baltics to Turkey. And much of this was as a combat soldier. (hundred years war!) He was captured and released on ransom, paid by the King Himself. Well connected, I'd say.....
Returning to London, his place of birth, he was a public servant of the court, even as an esquire, the title lawyers use these days. He married well, during which time he wanted for little, with all his wife's dough. But her early death left him in financial straits, and he then worked at different jobs, until his death, in 1400. Some were again as a court official, and he did gardening later in life.
All this apparently left him little time to write, but write he did. But what about all this father of the English language literature stuff?
Seems as though, in the day, English was a lower class tongue, even in England. French was spoken at Court, and Latin was used for much else. But perhaps his best known work was Canterbury Tales. Written in quite colorful vernacular, it contained much not discussed in polite company, but was widely, VERY widely, enjoyed, and known by company of all sorts, anyway.
The twenty four tales, each named after one of the motley pilgrims on their way to the shrine at Canterbury, which they never reached, spared little of the saucy details on intimate dalliance, between women and men. And unusual for the time, the ladies got their good share, and weren't afraid to kiss and tell. And to smell.
Scholars apparently still debate why his writing, much of which was in lively verse, might have brought about the gradual switch to the broader use of English, and the demise of Latin and French. But He's burred in Poets' Corner in London. Not too shabby, for a wine merchant's son.
Just brought this up because his English is a blast to try to read and to understand. Sure, the s*xual antics titillate, especially considering the time it was written. And the earthy-risque' humour, VERY earthy, is a hoot.
But it's the use of words and phrases, most of which are reasonably clear even today, but some less understandable, that is interesting. With the naughty hat on, easy enough to get it all, with help from the context. It all got me thinking, with lots of possibilities, about the evolution of language. And the rhyming verse is great.
Your library should have CT, and other stuff he wrote. Some might even have modern English along with His verse, pages side by side. Check it out. Then check it out.
English. Lots of fun, when not abused, or taken too seriously. We've all had such teachers, sadly so. When your one only important cherished thing in life, is a pathetic box of nails, every tool starts to look like a hammer. I digress