Last Commented Comedy Blogs (1,864)

You'll all love this!



#1
I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of "OLD"!
#2
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied: "Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, isn't it?"
#3
>>> Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
>>> "And what do you think is the best thing
>>> about being 104?" the reporter asked.
>>> She replied, "No peer pressure."
#4
>>> I've sure gotten old! I have outlived my feet and my teeth
>>> I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
>>> new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes


>>> I'm half blind,
>>> can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
>>> take 40 different medications that
>>> make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
>>> Have bouts with dementia.
>>> Have poor circulation;
>>> hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
>>> Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
>>> Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
>>> I still have my driver's license.
#5
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
>>> so I got my doctor's permission to
>>> join a fitness club and start exercising.
>>> I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
>>> I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
>>> by the time I got my leotards on,
>>> the class was over.
#6
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
>>> First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
>>> she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
>>> "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed.
>>> "Why Wal-Mart?"
>>> "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"
#7
>>> My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
>>> Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
#8
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
#9
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.
#10
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
#11 THE SENILITY PRAYER :
>>> Grant me the senility to forget the people
>>> I never liked anyway,
>>> the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
>>> the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others.
Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!



"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
Will Rogers

Methinks every guy should own one

PART TWO RATWHISKERS' SURVEY

"Those KKK patriots are really a pro-cull advocacy group. Certainly, I felt, it needed to look fair; if you're going to do a survey that has the appearance of being credible, it needs to be done by a so called independent agency, not one that's already in favour of only one particular final solution to get rid of our local mooslims, Rednek further said.
Council has accepted the municipality has a preventive role to play in any urban mooslim management in partnership with out state government. The town will deal with this issue once and for all in solidarity with our country's new policy of culling their numbers in every town and every state. It is now so american and makes americans more responsible.
Rednek also emphasized that when the decision is made in Ratwhiskers that there are only three methods to choose from: a cull by machine guns, contraceptive sterilization and deportation to Saudi Arabia. It will be recalled that in 2018, several states conducted a cull of mooslims over a seven hour period celebrating our new President-Fuhrer's ascension to office, but only eleven thousand mooslims were trapped and killed.
Prior to this cull, Ratwhiskers examined options, but was told by State government that culling was the only feasible and viable option to rid our state of these fanatical religious killers, Rednek said. At the time, no contraceptive serum was available in local drug stores. Since then, the state govt. has been involved in a pilot mooslim translocation program in the Ozark mountains, searching for any 'hill-billie' type mooslim agents.
Minnie-Ann de Bru said she doesn't understand why Ratwhisker residents just won't openly start an all out culling of all mooslims on full auto. "There's no reason in pretending to need anyone's approval, it just delays going out and killing these rag-heads among us. The whole experience really seems to demonstrate that people love culling mooslims; they're so non violent."
Currently there are believed to be perhaps 17 mooslims at large in the town and country and that is a lot for a town of 47 normal everyday christian American patriots," she added.
The survey will take approximately 2 months . Stay tuned for the results.
END

When little Johnny was in the fifth grade he looked downcast, so his teacher asked, "What's the problem, Johnny, I hope it's not homework again"?

"Well, uh, yes it is", replied Johnny. "I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane".

"Johnny, you're right that wasn't a very bright thing to do", said the teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in".

"Oh, but that won't work", said Johnny, looking even sadder. "You see, the plane was hijacked".

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a blonde, new to boating was having problems. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22ft Bayliner to perform.
It wouldn't plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran, the out drive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.

Under the boat, still strapped in place, was the trailer.

An old man goes back to bed. He ask's his wife "honey, do the bathroom light turn on and off automatically when I open and close the door?" She replied "no, it doesn't."

The old man replied "well, I'm gonna have to buy a new fridge tomorrow."

Just stopping by briefly.

Thanks for all your cards, emails and flowers.

I hope everyone has a terrific July 4th.
Here in the USA, we celebrate it as Independence Day,
which commemorates the signing of the Declaration of Independence from England. in 1776.

To attempt to make your July 4th a bit more fun,
here's some relatd cartoons to help you smile



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Keep smiling and have a wonderful day !

would the Answer to words hidden in pic that you posted be as follows ......................

Fecking
Brat
Kids
trashing
their
Room