Honesty – Really?
Practically without exception people rate honesty highest on the list of attributes they require of a partner.That seems perfectly reasonable and noble, but is it true?
Do we really listen to honesty if it is not what we want to hear?
And when it all goes belly-up, do we lash out and blame them even though it's not really their fault, it's ours for not listening to their reality, their honesty.
At the beginning of a relationship we should listen, really listen to what the other person is saying, not just what we want to hear as this will affect our entire relationship.
If we are honest with ourselves (is that even more difficult?) we have all been in such a scenario during at least one relationship in our lives. The he/she is obviously interchangeable, and I am sure you can add to these possible scenarios.
Scenario One:
She says, sex is not an important part of a relationship to her.
He thinks, she hasn’t slept with this god amongst men yet
..I will change her mind about sex forever!At the beginning all is good, both are trying to impress each other as we all do at the beginning of a relationship.
Fast forward 3 years – Couple are still together, possibly married, but he is lucky to get sex on his birthday and their anniversary.
He feels lonely and cheated and considers having an affair, after all he feels entitled to sex with the woman he loves. It is a normal part of any relationship. He feels hard done by.
She feels lonely and upset. She isn’t getting the love and companionship she wanted from the man she loves. She can’t understand why he is pushing her about sex, she had told him it was not important to her in a relationship, togetherness is more important.
Scenario Two.
He says, I am not into long term relationships
She thinks, he has not met me yet, he will never want to leave me once he gets to know and love me.
At the beginning all is good, they are getting on brilliantly, fall in love and enjoy each other’s company.
Fast forward 2 years – couple are still together but things aren’t going as well as could be,
She thinks, why does he not want to see me more? He seems to love me but won’t commit to anything, not even to book a holiday for the following summer.
He thinks, I am being smothered here. She wants me to be with her every waking minute and keeps planning things for the future. She’ll want me to marry her yet! I told her I wasn’t into long term relationships, all I want is a bit of fun with someone I care about, no long term plans, no long-term commitment.
When people are honest they say what they want or can do. We claim to want honesty but then disregard that honesty as it doesn’t suit our own ideas.
So, do we really accept honesty when we get it?
Comments (68)
Non, good luck with that
I can see your not attracted to my honesty
I wonder how many others will be
Me I meant someone once not from blog part though, this was 8 year ago when not long here. He said he liked walking and was fit.
The truth for me is very important more than anything else, how can a friendship or relashanship go forwar without honesty.
I would prefer honesty up front and not find out months or years later that what I thought I was giving and receiving was not what was wanted.
That cuts to the kernel of what they say/are as opposed to what we hear/dream of what they will become.
There is a saying,, Too much truth might kill you..
But do we really listen and take it on board?
"Non, I totally value your honesty which is why I am taking it on board and rapidly backing away"
Ergo agreeing with my argument ,
People don't respect honesty as an attribute to form a relationship.
Most Women like and respect chancers
Then enjoy the challenge of "improving them" as the relationship falls apart
The senarious you give is a man or ladies cop out reason when everything is dead no love. they should just be honest and say the love is gone not give stupid reason for that. Love should be stronger than a little wight gain because he could say well love shall we both take some excercise OUR waistlines are growing, that kind of thing.
I think us women think men are projects to be fixed and moulded into what we want...
Guess I wasn't honest with Art after all, huh?
I first told him that I'm insatiable
But when we finally got together, all I ever wanted was to snuggle up to him!
If it were a woman especially, she would be instantly on the defensive! 'Are you calling me fat??!"
Only a brave man would take that on.
At least, no matter what you said before you met from the beginning he was aware that you are not insatiable!
if you have pinned him to the wall every hour for this 2 weeks and gave him the impression you really were insatiable, but then in a few years wanted a separate bedroom, then he would have been deceived.
But if there is no deceit, only honesty that is ignored by the other party?
Sometimes I think we believe we are shopping in Ikea. We think the person is an unfinished product that we can make and mould to our own ideals.
"Non, I don't really want to, but I agree with you."
I know the cold shoulder when I feel it
the champs come in the league of legends where u r
I can´t count the times I experienced such situations with partners and friends and family. I think now that it is a little bit rare that there is someone who has an open door in his mind and believes you and understands exactly that what you said.
There were with partners the situations that you describe, and they even said with words things like "ah, that will change", as if I didn´t tell them honestly who I am and what I like or not like, but as if they were the harbour I had been searching for all my life to help me, although there was nothing to help. It was only an information. Later, when they were disappointed and pretended I never explained anything, I could tell them even the weekday and date when we talked about it, but actually it was the same situation again.
It is so difficult when you can not rely on that another person did hear your words in the original, simple meaning. Maybe there are too many feelings or anticipations around the words on the listening side.
Hypothetically speaking, if I felt that I can change a person I'd still run the idea by them and see how open they are to the idea of that actually happening rather than assuming on my own that I'll manage to do it successfully and instead end up being disappointed down the line.
Does that make sense?
I think I'm getting a wee bit sleepy..
Without honesty, and trust, just imagine what kind of friends, and people in your lives are you going to have,
I don t consider myself that old yet, but do have some old fashioned values,
I agree, we need to really listen.... to be honest with ourselves and keep the Rose tinted glasses off. It is human to 'fall into romantic love ' and become myopic. We turn a blind eye to huge Red Flags, and then berate the man when the honest person emerges.... after the so called honeymoon phase.
This goes for men too of course. Dishonesty can be , being economical with the truth. As in, forgetting to tell you that they never actually divorced or got a proper separation from their x. and other things that are important.
I try to be as honest as possible, but I don't confuse it with confession box type honesty where you spew out all your skeletons in the closet, only to have them thrown back at you [and they have been ] when there is a huge row later in the relatioship.
Honesty and Trust . Yes, It is v important.
Hi Incu, I think you understand
Hi 1to1 , again it is not about lack of honesty or trust. It is about the other person's lack of listening to the honesty that is spoken.