easier single
I have a friend. He has been unemployed now for the last 3 or so years...due to going to college. He finally found a job opportunity where he works 30 straight days and will make a ridiculous amount of money, but it is over 1000 miles away.He has been in a relationship and living with this woman for the last 7 years. Hanging out with them last night, all I heard from the woman is how he will be away from me for so long. As the alcohol started kicking in, the innocent complaints started to turn into vicious threats to the friend. She went on and on about how she was going to leave him and how pissed off she is going to be with him.
I could see the stress on my friend's face...when we finally had a moment alone, he began talking to me about how much it was bothering him, but he had to take the job...they needed the money. I told him, he could live a year off of that money...for only a month's worth of work.
I am not one to get in the middle of people's relationships. Each couple has their own unique set of boundaries that only they know best. But, I did end by saying, I am glad that I am single.
Now....I am sure the first comment is going to be something on the lines of he should just leave her. I have seen in many times last night, he tried to talk to her and she would have no part in listening to him. As far as just up and leaving her, it is a lot easier said than done when you have 7 years together where most of it has been loving.
The only thing that comes to my mind is, be careful before becoming involved in a toxic relationship. ....but sometimes things might become toxic after the loving commitment might be made. Tough situation if you ask me.
Comments (40)
Instead of being supportive, she is trying to manipulate
him by threatening him with her non presence.
I remember when I was in a long term relationship, similar to what they have...and being faced with many similar situation. It really makes it difficult for the man (in this case anyway).
When something is needed...it is needed.
That is exactly what I suggested to them. With the technology we have today, they can still keep in touch, like you mention with Skype.
Something tells me, you are right. I am sorta curious how this is going to play out. My friend is suppose to leave this next Friday.
I cannot argue with your point. Perhaps that is one of the main reasons why it is to each others' benefits to understand people and to determine what exactly is the best way of assessing a person's maturity.
I kinda felt the same way.
I remember my friend telling his gf, that this is just a test. He knew what was going on.
Boy....the power of love.
Alcohol can significantly change some people (and I mean significantly).
A friend of mine loved a woman who was very kind and sweet, but when she drank she became abusive.
I wonder how they got by all this time without him working?
In any case, wish them the best.
If they were both stone cold sober I'd say there were definite problems ahead but he's probably quite excited about this job, she's been supporting him for several years, yeah? and is suddenly feeling insecure, and a couple of drinks and it all came out sideways because there was someone there and she couldn't say exactly what was on her mind.
What she was saying was not what she was thinking, that's a given.
Pity it came out in front of a friend but if they've got history under their belts, and you say the basic relationship is good, they'll get through it.
One reason I don't care much for drinking, though
Yes to the alcohol talking. She is known to get loopy when drinking.
I have heard it said that mental filters begin to erode once drunkenness sets in. Maybe this is how she really feels? Who knows what goes on behind closed doors. One could speculate until they are blue in the face. But, maybe the alcohol is what made this become a public spectacle?
But....even when not drunk, I have seen it countless times where the woman does not want to be away from their man for too long. Not sure if that is what is going on here or not...if so, maybe insecurity might be playing a role too?
It could be the same said about an insecure man in a relationship....and the long period of separation. ...not to mention the effects of the alcohol.
Unfortunately, while the waters or rough...it will be a stressful situation.
I don't know their financial situation. However, if he was playing the role of a stay at home father and she was the breadwinner, with feminism and all....
If her income was not enough to support the family, as I have to safely assume because he used the word "need" when referring to the money the job was going to pay, then one could PERHAPS talk about how she was not pulling her weight in the relationship setting...financially wise at least.
Otherwise, I am not sure why it was even brought up by the two commenters? ....the issue of her supporting him.
An interesting spin on a similar story. I wonder if it was not exactly as he said.
From his past experience with women, he felt he was doing them wrong.
maybe...
He took his past experiences and applied it to the current relationship with you....and assumed. (which from your account, is exactly what happened...the way it sounds to me anyway).
I am a firm believer that conflicts are never just one sided.
I would say he was at foolish to assume.
and perhaps here
Maybe you could expressed a little better your acceptance of his away time.
but...
Maybe he had a one track mind and just kept thinking how guilty he felt and didn't notice your message?
I do agree...it is not just the woman at any fault in these areas.
IMO
Being separated maybe what is needed here.
It is true that drunks and children speak the truth?
"Maybe he had a one track mind and just kept thinking how guilty he felt and didn't notice your message?"
....I'm thinking it's a possibly. ....it's now been a couple of months since he broke things off and I still miss the guy, but it is what it is, I suppose.
As they were living together, it would be safe to presume that she was carrying an extra burden financially while he was not earning. Maybe not.
I'm sure she is just worried about the change it will make to their lives. She might be afraid he will like it where he is going, not want to move back, etc.
Women often over-think things. She may be feeling insecure as to their future.
I'm sure if they sit down and talk it through, without alcohol, then they will both be fine.
That could be an explanation.
I wish you the best. You sound like a special lady who was willing to wait.
As a side note, nothing that pertains to you EN...but maybe too...depends on how one perceives things.
But....to the name of this blog...."easier single"
It is easier being single. In my opinion, loving relationships do require work and responsibility.....to each other. Of course without doing this work and having this responsibility, it is easier being single.
However...with certain people, the work and responsibility can be less stressing.
Very well...I really do not know the situation behind him being unemployed.
More than likely you are right. Somehow I think if he goes or not will be a slight indication on how they possibly worked it out.
I think he should go, but chat with her first and reassure her that he is only doing it for a limited time, for them, and he will be back to her before she knows it.
PS. Remind him to bring her a present back when he's coming
Lately though I'm not sure I want this path of least resistance.
Well, was it difficult to be apart during all those years? Hell, it was! Especially when I was just in my mid twenties. I filled the days up by busying myself with the kids, family and friends but it could get very lonely during the night time. I was too much in love with him to even look at another guy let alone having an affair with one.
Most importantly, we needed the money. We were raising 2 very young children. I guess it was only practical for him to leave the country and us to seek for a better paying job in the neighbouring country.
The funny thing, as I was somewhat reflecting back on this whole ordeal with my buddy. I can remember his girlfriend telling me a couple of weeks back, when I brought up feminism to her...she said, "I would love to be the house wife and take care of everything at home."
Now with what is going on here...that is all fine and dandy, but does she realize there has to be an income coming in?
Anyway, enjoyed reading about your experiences.
I am curious, did you know what you were getting involved with before getting together with him?
When I discovered that I was pregnant with my firstborn, we discussed and made the decision for the baby and I to be in Malaysia. We wanted our kids to be raised here than hectic Singapore.
That is nice that you two had the best interest of the children in mind.
Thank you for sharing your experience while having your husband away. There is no doubt that it would not be enjoyable...but sometimes things need to be done.
Not sure how it worked out for you...knowing you are now single. But...hope it did work for you and the children in the end.
Life is good now. He has now been sober more than a year and has a very good job. Supporting the kids financially and paying their expensive tuition fees.
However, my love for him is already gone....sadly. I can't go back to him, not even for the sake of the kids. I've talked to the kids and they have given me reassurance that they fully understand.
Well Johnny, I hope he meets someone great so that he could move on. He really deserves someone better. I was a lousy wife and a really terrible cook
Have a great week ahead Johnny
If it is not easy with someone, we were just wrong together. I know that life isn't a constant party and tough things happen, but this is when it should be good when you have a partner around to rely on.
Stress and changes can change people and sometimes people are blind in the first place to someone's character. No one is perfect either.
I hope they sit down and talk things through as it sounds that she supported him to a tough time. I would prefer it to clear things with my partner and not in public, but this is obviously difficult for both of them. Is there someone they respect both to talk to them or talk to a professional relationship counselor?
I've been married 7 years also and finally taken divorce exactly because he start to drink a lot. Of course alcohol changing brain, it's a drug. So, the best not start any kind of relationship with any drinking people even if they don't drink much at the beggining.
Alcohol as any drug will decline the person to more and more high doses. As about easier to be single... may be, but I'm sure that's it wrong. The easier way leads us to the death, it's a fact.
I used to make a lot of money. My ex started giving me a bad time with this way out of nowhere idea that popped in her head! I left and now she wants to be "friends" after all these years.
That woman will think about her actions eventually.
Great advice when finding the right person. Through the years, that is what I have discovered too...as far as finding some people easier being around than others.
So right too about stress. I was just watching Million Dollar Listing (a show about New York realtors). One of the realtors was getting married and after being engaged for some time, he got busier and more stress, leaving less time for his fiancee...she said, he was no longer the same person she initially met. Of course, arguments ensued.
Yes too...hopefully they can find somebody to talk to.
Thank you.
I would like to find the right woman for me; therefore, I am looking. :)
However, when it comes to...in my opinion...these immature games with relationship partners, I am glad I am single.
But this blog, I feel, has turned into a somewhat of an example for the price of love....in some cases. I am sure there are many beautiful stories out there to share about love as well.
Thank you.
I think this is just a good story about being somewhat aware of the person's personality also...when picking. Like KN mentioned, people do change throughout the relationship. To me, these are the relationships that are the most challenging. Usually years later after being in a relationship, each person has a lot invested...also, there may be children.
Of course too...it is not just the woman, a man can be difficult as well.
...again, thank you. :)
Good for you, you had boundaries when it came to certain habits with the relationship...drinking. That is interesting, how the drinking got more and more. I can see how that can happen, but I know some people who are very well disciplined to just keep drinking to a mere social level...maybe a couple a week. At least that is what I do...but then again, I was never married for 7 years.
Hmmm...the easiest path leads to death. You know, I can think of many examples where that adds up and makes sense. I think us humans do crave/require companionship. Though it is easier to be single, like you say, it might not actually the best for us.
Like KN said, I agree completely, finding a partner who is easy to get along with.....mature.....would be optimal for me. I would not find a partner and form a relationship just for the sake of a relationship...being easy to be with is important for me.
Thank you. :)
I think it is important for us to have our boundaries. I am assuming you have talked with her to resolve any issues. First and foremost with any relationship, I feel communication is the key. Once it gets to the point where talking does not resolve issues...well then that is where more difficult decisions may need to be made.
But I agree Ed...it might not be a bad idea for him to contemplate moving on.