Random Humor Poems (1,865)

There is me... and only me...
In this world of poetry,
In the crystal fairy tale of life
I am the brightest star.
The ground is slipping from under my feet
The stars are spinning in time with the breath ...
The stream of my words is flowing,
Massaging my inflated ego .
My soul is flying with delight
In the clouds.
Unplayed love motive
Gives birth to my poems...
Ah ,I love myself so much
Always –
There are no other important words
For now ...
Like a mosaic of feelings
Through the years
I will write down my name in the dawns

Two things in life all share
birth marks the start
two babies side by side
let them share and grow
step back, watch the years pass
remark the changes to each
when death doth knock the door
one heaven bound; the other straight to hell

layen on my bed
in the moon light
waking up on the dark side
with closed eyes
felt the need to go take a pee
looken for a restroom
but found a bathroom
peeing in a comode
tryen to flush but the water
won't rush
laying in bed
with the sunlight
waking up to the light side
with opened eyes
feeling all wet
oh no i thought that it was just
A dream.

Just for fun..

Ok ladies let us try to strive for a little more accuracy in
our profile descriptions.

REALITY CHECK LIST
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1. A few extra pounds should mean..'a few extra pounds,' but when I see your photo, there you are laying on your kitchen counter 743pounds in a neon thong.

2. You say you're looking for a guy who is sweet and kind but each morning a priest must perform an exorcism on you before your morning breakfast.

3.You say you want a guy who is adventurous but you state that your idea of adventure is hopping down the interstate on a Pogo Stick blindfolded.

4.You want an emotionally healthy relationship but let it slip that the US Army kept you locked in a metal box for 13 years and you have an inordinate love for knives.

5.You want a guy who is 'fit', but you did one push up in the third
grade and that one almost killed you.

6. You want a 'drama free' relationship, which must mean that either you've been walking among the God's, or you simply are not from this planet.

7. You live 100 miles from me and tell me you do not do long distance relationships just to blow me off..but I read in the paper that you've married some head-hunter on Easter Island.

8. You say a man must be at least 5'11" or taller, but you are only 4'3".

9. You say you are not religious but you reveal that in fact you don't even believe in 'nothing yet.'

10. You say your children have 'left the nest', which makes me think I've been flirting with some species of bird.

11. You said that you rather enjoyed 'hunting men', but never revealed that it was with an AK47 assult rifle.

12. You say there's no way you'd go through having children again but would accept mine, which makes me wonder what you did with your children.lol.

13. You say material things don't matter much to you, but when you divorced your hubby you even got his gold tooth and contact lenses.
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There is a guy named Fred,
He offered a girl his bed.
'twas quite a surprise
When he saw with his eyes,
The girl was a man instead.

"... when you know there is disharmony and you hold that ‘knowing,' through your knowing a new factor has come in, and the disharmony cannot remain unchanged. When you know you are not at peace, your knowing creates a still space that surrounds your non-peace in a loving and tender embrace and then transmutes your non-peace into peace...”
TOLLE

Driving in Cyprus is a stressful and harrowing experience. 5/6 of the drivers OBEY NO ROAD RULES, and per capita, as a result, Cyprus has more cripples than any other country on earth, not to speak of an unspeakably high number of road deaths... As a result, when I drive, I find myself cursing quite often. However, I have learnt to do it ‘knowingly’, and that, believe it or not ‘creates a still space that surrounds your non-peace in a loving and tender embrace and then transmutes your non-peace into peace...’ Orwellian double-speak? Perhaps, but, don’t be hasty to judge me till you have driven in Cyprus for a day, what? No, a mere 10 minutes is all it will take to raise your ire!!!
‘...you rat, you almost killed me, you fink, you *&%*$***!!!..., and yes, I’m KNOWINGLY calling you that..., Ok, deep breath, calm down, OOOMMM, and all that jazz... ‘
So, a quick, unequivocal test of your enlightenment is a 10-minute drive through Cyprus, if you can really keep your equilibrium and keep from going from ‘bliss to piss’ in 10 minutes, then, my dear friend, you have made it, you are finally and without doubt an enlightened master..., 3 deep, humble bows to you...,
As for lil-ol-me, sigh, I’m no enlightened master, if I was, would I be driving around Cyprus?
Love and light folks...

One by one the bowls were emptied
They were all keeping apace
The audience cheered, the excitement rose
These were the best in the world

Suddenly a gagging sound
Poor Marie was beginning to stagger
Smoke was pouring from her ears
She was done, from the stage she was carried

By bowl fifteen, enough was enough
The Chinese man called for mercy
His mouth was burning oh so bad
Huang Fu on his knees was crawling

Two more bowls and there was trouble
Leonard cast his eyes about
In his haste to leave he knocked her down
And broke poor Sophie’s jaw

Mary and Alano you could see were struggling
Their time was nearly up
One more spoon, they ran for it
On the stage they nearly chundered

Wolfgang the German called for a stein
Cold beer to ease the burning
He had to quit to get his ale
Off the stage he went flying

Maximillian the Great carried on
But he could see his partner enjoying
With a mighty howl and tears on his face
He ran to join in the drinking

At twenty three, a warrior he might be
But this was too much to bear
The pain in his mouth was just too great
He too joined the ranks of the fallen

Abdul-Matin, a man so brave
Hand to hand demons he’d fought
But not this, he called it quits
The demon was in his mouth

Chandra and Bluey, the only two left
On and on the bowls they scoffed
Chandra’s sweat soaking his clothes
While Bluey looked calm and cool

Bluey smiled as he lifted his bowl
And poured it down his throat
With gusto he wiped his mouth
As he asked to have some more

Chandra shook as he tried the same
He knew his time was numbered
Damn this Bluey, this Aussie man
He just could not be human

His shoulder slumped as he gave up
The better man had won here
Quietly he slunk off the stage
And left Bluey there as winner

A bow he took and said his thanks
And prepared to take his trophy
He let one rip, so loud and strong
The audience sat there stunned

At first a quiet murmur ran
Which quickly changed in tone
A gasp, a shriek, an, “oh my gawd”
As the smell hit them front on

Some fainted where they sat
While others collapsed in the aisles
Panic spread as they tried to escape
This stench so terribly foul

On the stage the rumbling grew
As he let rip one after another
“Oops, pardon me,” he quietly said
But no-one paid attention

The place was almost empty now
Except where they lay in faint
With a shrug he picked his trophy up
And thanked the empty room

he is sending a message
via his lips on a beautiful lilly
his trumpet to pan
dreaming frog basking in the sun
the frog loves beautiful butterflies
sleeps at night under the star with the moths
peter you get everywhere
it must be the fairy dust
you wear green tights
same colour as brother frog
have i gone banannas
i keep slipping
banging my head
now thats a frog in a half
the search for peter begins
the parrot needs help
on your shoulder oh ar oh ar
stuck for words the parrot
were is hook he will find him
micks on the prowl
blowing his secret weapon
we all need a bit of fairy dust
none of us mind the tights
its all a beautiful dream with light
like a family we write
loves dream in fairytales
you send such beautiful poetry peter
melting almost the frogs little heart
peter,peter pan
in the land of dreams
please dont eat me
a silly old frog dreams
you strike the frog
ha ha peter,oh peter pan
brings out crazy frog
you wont like the one eyed frog
battle of the green monster
sorry peter you are so sweet
peter you entered mikes secret weapon room
did you smell the rosses
the scent left by the frog for you

There goes Hannah
climbing a tree
to reach a rooster that
crowed,"cockle doodle dee?!"

Hannah was confused
the rooster was too
So Hannah taught him
to sing cockle doodle doo

There goes Hannah
swimming in the lake
to rescue a duckling that
said, "quake quake quake"

Hannah sad, "I'm truly sorry
but its a well known fact
that little ducklings say
quack, quack, quack!"

Into the barn went our
little Hannah Rae
to teach the long eared donkey
how to bray

It seems our furry friend
was a little mixed up
for instead of braying HEE HAW
He was braying, "Hiccup Hiccup"

Even the dappled gray mare
wouldn't whinny or neigh
She just let out a "Tweet"
when Hannah offered her some hay

The cat mewled, "Cluck"
"Oink", howled the dog
the goose honked, "Baaaa"
"Woof" grunted the big, fat hog

As Hannah was leaving the barn,
she stopped to pet the cow
who looked at her and
bellowed, "Meow"

Our Hannah shook her head
and said, "That wouldn't do
cows really should
just say MOOOO!!"

Hannah was confused
what was happening on the farm?
was there cause
to raise an alarm?

She went to ask Gram and Papa
Papa said with a smile,
"The animals change places
it happens once in awhile"

Grammy said, "They get bored
and pretend to be something else
but by the end of the day,
they are back to being themselves."

Its ok to pretend
but its always best
to be proud of who you are cause
God made you different then the rest.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Tae the hospital wance mair a go.......And see whits wrang wae me ?dae a really want tae know ? They huv hud a go at ivrything it wad seem ....Hert blood ears backache nose an een........Ye wait is long as furiver sometimes it seems.....An wonder if this existance is jist a dream.......But ye ken its no when the pain fairly maks ye scream...An the consultants!!!!!!!hivens are bare oot oh thur teens............jw