Most Viewed Comedy Blogs (1,864)

For the lack of better blog subject matter, has anyone seen the movie Keanu....about a stolen cat trying to be retrieved?




....I seen previews to it, it seems like it would be a great comedy...seeing I am more of a cat person.


BTW...

What about that commercial with the crazy cat lady making hats for cats?

He's bald, fat, big tummy, hairy, with big ears full of shites not wax, disgustingly rotten from the inside to the outside, has 12" toadstool but unlike Shrek who is likable and likes to keep his own space, our ogre here is very intrusive, disruptive, malicious who will stalk everyone he fancies. He desperately needs a Fiona...help! .

...there's still fire in the furnace! Check out former president Bill Clinton, getting an eyeful at the Aretha Franklin funeral/life celebration:

Bubba's happy response is in evidence in this image, below:


Boys will be boys...

A Texan went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home....

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

Why do we love children?

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, wWhat's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1n

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

Here's the Middle finger.

Andrea Jenkyns, a Tory MP, made the rude gesture on Thursday when a crowd booed her as she entered Downing Street to watch UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson deliver his resignation speech.



The kids love her to bits.

You'll all love this!

"




#1
I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of "OLD"!
#2
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied: "Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, isn't it?"
#3
>>> Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
>>> "And what do you think is the best thing
>>> about being 104?" the reporter asked.
>>> She replied, "No peer pressure."
#4
>>> I've sure gotten old! I have outlived my feet and my teeth
>>> I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
>>> new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes


>>> I'm half blind,
>>> can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
>>> take 40 different medications that
>>> make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
>>> Have bouts with dementia.
>>> Have poor circulation;
>>> hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
>>> Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
>>> Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
>>> I still have my driver's license.
#5
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
>>> so I got my doctor's permission to
>>> join a fitness club and start exercising.
>>> I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
>>> I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
>>> by the time I got my leotards on,
>>> the class was over.
#6
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
>>> First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
>>> she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
>>> "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed.
>>> "Why Wal-Mart?"
>>> "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"
#7
>>> My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
>>> Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
#8
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
#9
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.
#10
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
#11 THE SENILITY PRAYER :
>>> Grant me the senility to forget the people
>>> I never liked anyway,
>>> the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
>>> the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others.
Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!







--
"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
Will Rogers

THE STAPLER IN THE CAVEMAN DAYS
In the caveman days, staplers were free, they roamed the plains of the Serengeti to the highlands of the Alaskan Alps, living in small family groups they became fastidious in their methods of hunting prey, however inbreeding did create offspring with buck push down mechanisms.

The cavemen and their secretarial staff soon discovered that the staplers could be captured and trained to perform tasks, these included skinning antelope and making sabre toothed pocket books from Sabre toothed tigers.

As the years (they were not counted in those days) went by and history began, more uses were found, these new tasks took hundreds if not lots of years to evolve, as Staplentologists are still digging up the petrified remains of staplers from this and the cretinous period we can see that they were indeed scared of the cavemen and the cave secretarial staff.

Frogs were still really quite small in these times, and this is where the research stopped, CIA and FBI files from this era have not all been declassified, so we assume that through the ages staples have remained as being bigger than most frogs.

A revolution of the dinosaurs in this time was indeed the turning point the staples had been waiting for, a summit held at camp naive between the dinosaurs and the staplers is assumed, and we do know from fossil remains that deaths from the StaplerDino/Caveman war were vast, the species nearly died out, as luck would have it, an enterprising young stapler named Noah foresaw that the dinosaur blood would create a 40 day flood, drowning everything not bigger than a protractor (small species of numerical and angular origin) and set about building a stationery cupboard, where staplers gathered in pairs and boarded the vessel.

After the flood of dinosaur blood eased, the staples landed on a mountain peak somewhere in what we today call down town LA. A new era was born, and soon millions of baby staplers were spraining at their springs to go out and play.

Part 2 coming soon "The stapler in the bronze and silver age."

Trump urges Republicans to act NOW to close the rigged election gap!

........

TRUMP - Fifty gaziliion
CLINTON - Six

I'm thinking of creating a website exclusively for jilted lovers. They would be able to create an account (for a fee, of course) and every time they suffer from a broken love affair, divorce, or unrequited love, they can log in and bash the offender and their gender until the cows come home.

It would be perfect, because the other members would all agree with the dumped one and the victim's pity party would be non-stop and full of the agony of defeat, the bitter sweet anguish of despair and lots of supportive wailing at the injustice of it all.

What do you think? Do you think it's a viable idea?