Most Viewed Comedy Blogs (1,864)

Happy birthday to the blurred blogger, Mollybaby, have a fantabulous day and I hope you've taken it off work and are going to have a thoroughly awesome day

I was visiting my son this week and asked him where his newspaper was? He laughed and said, “Dad, it’s the 21st century. We stopped buying newspapers years ago. It saves trees. But you can borrow my iPad.

Okay, fine, whatever.

That lousy housefly never knew what hit it.

That has to be the most popular question I get from women who initially contact me on here.
It's in their first email to me and yet, I go to great efforts to pre-answer that in my profile, which they obviously haven't read.

So, from now on, they get a smart-a** answer. (not that some of them didn't already get such an answer)

Answers;

my car keys

my remote control

my wallet

the meaning of life

a cure for ridiculous questions

what aisle the potato salad is in.

my profile. Have you seen it ?

the last digit in pi

you know

the smallest subatomic particle

I forgot.

a way to time travel

I was hoping you would tell me.

Don't worry I found it.

The winning lottery ticket

That depends. What have you got ?

and the number one answer they are getting is;

Why people are always asking me questions


Add you own, if you like.

The bloggers included all commented on my last blog which seemed as good a way as any of selecting victims

Add a verse, make it worse
There have to be two lines before the chorus
Comment without a verse and you will get done too
Pick anyone you fancy even if they’ve already been ‘done’ my rhymes are awful

And for those completely bewildered - this is an old camping song and here it is


*disclaimer*
No bloggers were intentionally harmed in the making of this song


Starting here, starting now -

There was Side Side looking far and wide in the store, in the store
There was Lindsy, Lindsy, wearing something flimsy in the store, in the store
My eyes are dim I cannot see I have not brought my specs with me
I have not brought
my specs
with
me

Any resemblance between real people and these horoscopes are absolutely intentional. As promised, today we can have a look at bulls and twins. And as with the previous, I relied on cutting and pasting to some extend.

Taurus Birth date: 20 April - 20 May
Taurus is a cow… apologies, a bull. Cows give milk; bulls give you nothing but grunts and snorts. They take whatever they want, whenever they want it - your food, your favorite chair, your time, your energy, your money, your stuff - it's all theirs. They just graze through life, eating everything in their paths.

Taureans are known for their sense of humor and their ability to laugh at the weirdest things. They have an uncanny ability to pick winning lottery numbers. Research tells us that Taureans are at least as likely as other people to win the jackpot. Their lucky numbers are anything between 1 and 100.

They are excellent embezzlers and are often employed as bank mangers. Other popular occupations for them include teachers, waste-disposal-experts, doctors, builders, plumbers, computer programmers, funeral directors, and impersonators.

All Elves are all born under this sign due to the Elf mating season being only a few days long towards the end of July. This means that the average height of the Taurus male is around 4ft 3in, whilst the female average is approximately 3ft 9in. With their warped sense of humor that works as a defense against their height deficiency, Taureans are said to be excellent lovers but for some unknown reason, lousy dancers.

They bear grudges about things that never happened. This may stem from the feelings of inadequacy resulting from being beaten by Aries for the first place in the zodiac line up.

Taurus is ruled by Venus - goddess of stuff and money.

If you are impatient and pushy; forever in hurry to intending to get to the nowhere, you were born under this sign.


Gemini Birth date: 21 May - 21 June
Gemini is a pair of twins and can't stick to one decision for a minute; totally nuts. Don't date with a Gemini unless you want to go insane. The one will love you while the other will cheat you and you will never know who is who.

Most people born under the sign of Gemini are schizophrenic. Not all Gemini are affected, some are charming, social and intelligent beings who won’t poke their fingers in your eyes.

They are progressive, outgoing, and one of the most popular rides at a party but all that can change in the time it takes to sneeze. They are highly competitive, cannot resist it to take risks, and are likely to accept the any bet without thinking.

Geminis are always on some sort of medication though not always legal. They talk a lot but mercifully mostly to themselves and will often pick animated arguments with themselves in the bath or shower.

Dates are important to Gemini and they will only rarely forget birthdays, anniversaries or any other occasions on which they can purposefully avoid sending greeting cards or presents.

They drive funny color cars with lots of contradictory bumper stickers and will often drive them into trees or buildings. Gemini often is ambidextrous and can be recognized in public by the ability to pick both nostrils at the same time. In a nutshell, Gemini is a paranoid Aquarius.

Gemini is ruled by Mercury – the god of mind-tripping.

If you are pushy, overbearing, liking to pick fights with small children and forever harassing the wedded couple at weddings, you were born under this sign.

Ok, so there you are. If you were born under one of these signs, I’m sure that you would have recognized yourself.


A good day to ya all and avoid talking to bulls and twins after they read this.

Before I lay me down to sleep

I pray for a man who's not a creep,

One who is handsome. Smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's rich and self employed,

And when I spend, won't be annoyed.

Pull out my chair and hold my hand.

Massage my feet and help me stand.

Oh send a king to make me queen.

A man who loves to cook and clean.

I pray this man will love no other.

And relish visits with my mother.

I have just discovered that I have been eating raw toast my entire life!

I visited some friends in the big city and they had a machine called a "toaster", they simply put 2 slices of raw toast in and within a few minutes it "pop-up" and there before my eyes were slices of perfectly cooked toast.

They told me these machines had been around for decades...no one told me!
I went to a shop and found dozens of these weird machines, my toast is now raw now.

Anyone else know of this?

...who wants to be wound up, have a fight...anyone.. ?

To my darling husband,

Before you return home from your overseas trip I just wanted to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick-up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The Garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your beloved Ferrari.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX




PS - your girlfriend called.

..... .... ...A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck."....... .... .............................. ....... .... A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer : Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer : Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer : Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer : Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer : You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too...