Last Commented Comedy Blogs (1,864)

So a couple had been married for only two weeks when the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go into town, tease the barmaids and party with his old buddies.
And so he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."
"Where are you going coochy cooh..." asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." He said.
The wife said to him, "you want a beer my love..See."
Then she opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer- brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
Not knowing what to do, the husband thought of something different and said to the wife, "Yes, loolie loolie... but the bar.... you know... the frozen glass..."
He didn't even get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupted him saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face"
She took out a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills just by holding it.
The husband was frustrated but luckily he thought of a winner excuse, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK"
"You want hors d'oeuvres poochy pooh"
Again, she opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that..."
The wife smiled and said, "you want some dirty words cutie pie..here, SIT THE F*%K DOWN - DRINK YOUR F%KIN' BEER IN YOUR FROZEN F*%KIN' MUG - EAT YOUR F*%KIN' SNACKS! YOU AREN'T GOING TO THE F*%KIN' BAR !!! GOT IT,
A**HOLE !".
(Sit your butt down cause she the boss now.)

Are you not woke enough? Don’t worry, we got you covered. Follow these easy steps to become more woke… or else.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Anonymous sources are reporting heightened stress in the hallways of the White House. One source close to the Biden family revealed that the supply chain crisis currently gripping our nation has now reached the home of the Commander-In-Chief.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a White House staff member charged with stocking the East Wing with everyday necessities like tissues, toilet paper, young girls, ice cream, and underwear featuring maximum absorbency and a bold, masculine design for a smooth, sleek fit, has been having trouble finding that last item on the list.

“When I told the First Lady store shelves were empty, she yelled at me, then instructed the Secret Service to meet her in the White House craft room with a package of Huggies, some scissors, and rolls of duct tape,” said the exhausted staffer.

Some crazed conspiracy theorists claim the recent rise in FBI raids on senior living centers can be directly tied to the shortage of products promising incontinence protection for men in a variety of styles, absorbencies, and colors.

At press time, Dr. Jill Biden was overheard threatening to shorten Transportation Secretary Buttigieg’s six-month paternity leave if he did not solve the supply chain crisis quickly.

The press asked Jen Psaki if the Biden administration has the fortitude to get the economy flowing again while preventing further crises from leaking into his weak approval rating.

"Well, the answer to that is unclear at this time," said Psaki. "It Depends®."

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for
him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The politician was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there
were a dozen politician lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of a. country and the politicians who run it.
As Ronald Reagan said:
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

(Ronald Reagan was the best governor California ever had, and a great President....) (USA)

???? LITTLE OLD LADY IN COURT ????

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Old Lady: I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down
beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Old Lady: He began to rub all over of my body.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now! '

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"
And that's when I sh*ot him, the little bast*ard.

A woman home alone, answers a knock on the door to a man who just stood there and asked, "Do you have a vag*ina"
She slams the door in disgust and tells her husband that night when he got home from work.
The next morning she answers a knock on the door. Its the same man and he asks the same question. "Do you have a vag*ina"
Once again she slams the door.
She immediately gets on the phone and rings her husband at work.
He tells her he will take the day off tomorrow just in case the man shows up a third time.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both make for the door.
The husband whispers to his wife, "Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to tell him yes to his question, because I want to a see where he's going with this."
She nods, a yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there. He asks, "Do you have a vag*ina"
"Yes I do." says the lady.
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"
I think the man behind the door...
He's a dead man!....now

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each bre*ast and he gently pinches each ni*pple.
He pushes her bre*asts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I’
He completes one last squeeze of her bre*asts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

The Male Cycle:
1. When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big ti*ts.
2. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big ti*ts, but there was no passion. I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
3. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. I decided I needed a girl with stability.
4. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
5. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. I decided to find someone with some real ambition.
6. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious lady with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
7. I'm older and wiser now and I’m looking for a woman with big ti*ts........

Pick up
Whatsapp...makeup...Putup
Pop up,stay up,sun up,roll up,set up and throw up...
Getup fedup...Giveup
Throwup....Cheeerup
Closeup....please don't tell me ...shutup

Most important Look up and be thankful
God is there....being hopeful
And having faith is ....upping our energy.
Welcome with any upping for this
Blog...
(For the Slow....any words with up
Or if ....say it....feel happy )