Here is a list of Humor Poems ordered by Last Commented, posted by members. Read poetry, post your own poems or comments. Poems on these pages are copyrighted © by the authors who entered them. Click here to post a poem.
on the lighter side
I came upon a tiny troll
while dancing in a dream,
with her hands filled with crayons
she painted each new scene.
The sky was pink, the sun quite purple
the flowers crimson red,
vermilion streams and crystalline dreams
danced around her head.
And she looked to me, this tiny thing
a whimsical gleam shown forth,
a question asked from her bobbing head
“is this my dream, or yours?”
~SAS~
while dancing in a dream,
with her hands filled with crayons
she painted each new scene.
The sky was pink, the sun quite purple
the flowers crimson red,
vermilion streams and crystalline dreams
danced around her head.
And she looked to me, this tiny thing
a whimsical gleam shown forth,
a question asked from her bobbing head
“is this my dream, or yours?”
~SAS~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Jul 2014
Post Comment
Hi, I'm New on Here
Of course you are
You're the star
Step right in
Let's begin
What are you going for
20,30,40,50 or more
You better keep score
There are she devils
And he devils
The whole crazy gosh darn lot
Contact someone tell 'em what you got
Go on mate
Look for a "date"
Before its too late
Nice! I think you've got it
This will be sort of like a hit
Have you ever inhaled
Been jailed
Or nailed
What about failed
Impaled
Oh geesh I went too far
Did you know I play the guitar
You want to build up your rapport
So you can keep looking for
The bestest one you adore
We're like a little candy store
Now did you say you like the shore
What about the dance floor
Do you snore
You have money so you're not poor
That's great and totally understood
Well done, really, really good
Wait..just hold on minute
Don't say anymore
I met you before
Aren't you Iknowhowtospinit
Oh, but you're new on here
Of course you are
Your "hello" is great
Like some kind of bait
Do we look like fish
Yeah...you wish
Good luck
You F.....k
No I'm not going to say it
I'm sweet, I just delete
And trust me, its for your benefit
Stop the insane delusional repeat
And retreat
We've got all your numbers
Hey, do you like cucumbers
You're the star
Step right in
Let's begin
What are you going for
20,30,40,50 or more
You better keep score
There are she devils
And he devils
The whole crazy gosh darn lot
Contact someone tell 'em what you got
Go on mate
Look for a "date"
Before its too late
Nice! I think you've got it
This will be sort of like a hit
Have you ever inhaled
Been jailed
Or nailed
What about failed
Impaled
Oh geesh I went too far
Did you know I play the guitar
You want to build up your rapport
So you can keep looking for
The bestest one you adore
We're like a little candy store
Now did you say you like the shore
What about the dance floor
Do you snore
You have money so you're not poor
That's great and totally understood
Well done, really, really good
Wait..just hold on minute
Don't say anymore
I met you before
Aren't you Iknowhowtospinit
Oh, but you're new on here
Of course you are
Your "hello" is great
Like some kind of bait
Do we look like fish
Yeah...you wish
Good luck
You F.....k
No I'm not going to say it
I'm sweet, I just delete
And trust me, its for your benefit
Stop the insane delusional repeat
And retreat
We've got all your numbers
Hey, do you like cucumbers
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Jul 2014
About this poem:
It's not the "Hi, I'm new here...it's what follows...its disturbing and I had to address it, I feel better now!
POLITICALLY CORRECT CHRISTMAS© Part TWO
"Yes, my client was there, and the tale went like this,
The Missus grabbed his butt, and gave him one big kiss.
A gentleman he was, and kissed her back polite
So if it wasn't right, it was just an oversight."
"He's innocent, I swear, there was no lewd intent.
He's a friendly guy and the Missus looked content.
Now, about the eggnog, he only took two sips,
Not a drop of hard stuff ever touched his lips.”
The old Judge looked stern and rubbed his craggy jaw.
"That may be true you say, but he broke another law.
He didn't knock on doors, but down the chimney came,
That's a crime in any court, this I do proclaim."
"And lest we not forget the damage done to roofs,
Is caused by sixteen pair of dancing reindeer hoofs.
Does he have a license for such a prancing team?
Does not this mode of travel seem to everyone extreme?"
“And for his ‘Ho, ho, ho’s,’ it's nothing we should hear,
It has another meaning, and that meaning's all too clear.
The man should be discreet, use words that don’t offend
We can’t be too careful in the message that we send.”
"And it says he sits the children high upon his knee.
Without a doubt, this reeks of suspicious stuff to me.
No one in his right mind would parade in that disguise.
It's dirty old men like him that decent folk despise."
"And this complaint about his work shop,
Where little ones slave all round the clock,
No coffee breaks, I say there's no excuse.
His continuing labor-law abuse."
And let’s touch on a subject, that’s in the news today
That tho your elves seem jolly, they don’t seem to be gay
And I’m sure you will agree, it has to do with sex.
When one guy likes another; that has to be complex
"With Equal Opportunity, he's hit a brand new height.
All employees are wasps, what’s more, they’re blond and white.
Not one older woman, or black Hispanic male.
I see no way to keep your client out of jail."
"Please, kind Sir," said Santa, "I'd like a chance to speak.
I do not think ‘tis fair that you call me a freak.
Most kids have gone so far to calling me a saint,
But even I admit that that's a bit too quaint."
"Truth is I'm not more than a poor delivery man,
Trying to bring joy where ere I always can.
Through sleet and snow and slush and rain,
Not once have I been heard complain."
"But if it please the court, I swear
I'll change my ways, though it's unfair.
I promise to be lawful, knock on every door,
Won't slide down the chimney or land upon the floor."
"I won't kiss the Missus, just shake her hand instead.
Little kids can stand and I'll pat them on the head.
The cookies and eggnog, I'll leave for other guests.
My elves will work in shifts, with many, many rests.
"As for my hiring habits, tell you what I'll do.
I'll hire a Cuban black and a Catholic and Jew.
The deer will go to pasture; I'll put away the sleigh,
Deliv'ry in corporate trucks will route me on my way.
The Missus grabbed his butt, and gave him one big kiss.
A gentleman he was, and kissed her back polite
So if it wasn't right, it was just an oversight."
"He's innocent, I swear, there was no lewd intent.
He's a friendly guy and the Missus looked content.
Now, about the eggnog, he only took two sips,
Not a drop of hard stuff ever touched his lips.”
The old Judge looked stern and rubbed his craggy jaw.
"That may be true you say, but he broke another law.
He didn't knock on doors, but down the chimney came,
That's a crime in any court, this I do proclaim."
"And lest we not forget the damage done to roofs,
Is caused by sixteen pair of dancing reindeer hoofs.
Does he have a license for such a prancing team?
Does not this mode of travel seem to everyone extreme?"
“And for his ‘Ho, ho, ho’s,’ it's nothing we should hear,
It has another meaning, and that meaning's all too clear.
The man should be discreet, use words that don’t offend
We can’t be too careful in the message that we send.”
"And it says he sits the children high upon his knee.
Without a doubt, this reeks of suspicious stuff to me.
No one in his right mind would parade in that disguise.
It's dirty old men like him that decent folk despise."
"And this complaint about his work shop,
Where little ones slave all round the clock,
No coffee breaks, I say there's no excuse.
His continuing labor-law abuse."
And let’s touch on a subject, that’s in the news today
That tho your elves seem jolly, they don’t seem to be gay
And I’m sure you will agree, it has to do with sex.
When one guy likes another; that has to be complex
"With Equal Opportunity, he's hit a brand new height.
All employees are wasps, what’s more, they’re blond and white.
Not one older woman, or black Hispanic male.
I see no way to keep your client out of jail."
"Please, kind Sir," said Santa, "I'd like a chance to speak.
I do not think ‘tis fair that you call me a freak.
Most kids have gone so far to calling me a saint,
But even I admit that that's a bit too quaint."
"Truth is I'm not more than a poor delivery man,
Trying to bring joy where ere I always can.
Through sleet and snow and slush and rain,
Not once have I been heard complain."
"But if it please the court, I swear
I'll change my ways, though it's unfair.
I promise to be lawful, knock on every door,
Won't slide down the chimney or land upon the floor."
"I won't kiss the Missus, just shake her hand instead.
Little kids can stand and I'll pat them on the head.
The cookies and eggnog, I'll leave for other guests.
My elves will work in shifts, with many, many rests.
"As for my hiring habits, tell you what I'll do.
I'll hire a Cuban black and a Catholic and Jew.
The deer will go to pasture; I'll put away the sleigh,
Deliv'ry in corporate trucks will route me on my way.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Jul 2014
About this poem:
I enjoyed the fact I could write such a funny poemPOLITICALLY CORRECT CHRISTMAS©
'Twas the night before Christmas and all was not still.
Jingler's rang; car'lers sang ‘Oh, To Men Of Good Will.’
But inside the courthouse, the defendant sat grim,
Took off his fur cap, stroked his chinny chin chin.
He stood 'fore the Judge, a frown creasing his face,
While his Lawyer proceeded to present his case.
"Your Honor", he pleaded, "this man's not a crook.
All he did was his job, which he did by the book."
The Judge glared from the bench, glasses tipped low.
"That's not quite the truth, I have his M.O.
Mister Clause is now in my jurisdiction,
And if I have a say, I'll yea for conviction."
"A quack we have here, in red masquerade,
With a sack filled with toys to complete the charade.
This man has ignored town noise ordinance,
So don't try to plead his law ignorance."
"His list of crimes go on; more than just a few.
Breaking and entering, everyone wants to sue.
Sneaking down chimneys is as bad as it gets.
Though child hanky-panky is worse even yet."
"Please explain the mistletoe, if perchance you can?
What about the orgy, started by this fat man."
The lawyer stepped forward, a tear 'pon his cheek,
"Please, your honor," said he, "please now may I speak?"
"Yes, my client was there, and the tale went like this,
The Missus grabbed his butt, and gave him one big kiss.
A gentleman he was, and kissed her back polite
So if it wasn't right, it was just an oversight."
'Twas the night before Christmas and all was not still.
Jingler's rang; car'lers sang ‘Oh, To Men Of Good Will.’
But inside the courthouse, the defendant sat grim,
Took off his fur cap, stroked his chinny chin chin.
He stood 'fore the Judge, a frown creasing his face,
While his Lawyer proceeded to present his case.
"Your Honor", he pleaded, "this man's not a crook.
All he did was his job, which he did by the book."
The Judge glared from the bench, glasses tipped low.
"That's not quite the truth, I have his M.O.
Mister Clause is now in my jurisdiction,
And if I have a say, I'll yea for conviction."
"A quack we have here, in red masquerade,
With a sack filled with toys to complete the charade.
This man has ignored town noise ordinance,
So don't try to plead his law ignorance."
"His list of crimes go on; more than just a few.
Breaking and entering, everyone wants to sue.
Sneaking down chimneys is as bad as it gets.
Though child hanky-panky is worse even yet."
"Please explain the mistletoe, if perchance you can?
What about the orgy, started by this fat man."
The lawyer stepped forward, a tear 'pon his cheek,
"Please, your honor," said he, "please now may I speak?"
Jingler's rang; car'lers sang ‘Oh, To Men Of Good Will.’
But inside the courthouse, the defendant sat grim,
Took off his fur cap, stroked his chinny chin chin.
He stood 'fore the Judge, a frown creasing his face,
While his Lawyer proceeded to present his case.
"Your Honor", he pleaded, "this man's not a crook.
All he did was his job, which he did by the book."
The Judge glared from the bench, glasses tipped low.
"That's not quite the truth, I have his M.O.
Mister Clause is now in my jurisdiction,
And if I have a say, I'll yea for conviction."
"A quack we have here, in red masquerade,
With a sack filled with toys to complete the charade.
This man has ignored town noise ordinance,
So don't try to plead his law ignorance."
"His list of crimes go on; more than just a few.
Breaking and entering, everyone wants to sue.
Sneaking down chimneys is as bad as it gets.
Though child hanky-panky is worse even yet."
"Please explain the mistletoe, if perchance you can?
What about the orgy, started by this fat man."
The lawyer stepped forward, a tear 'pon his cheek,
"Please, your honor," said he, "please now may I speak?"
"Yes, my client was there, and the tale went like this,
The Missus grabbed his butt, and gave him one big kiss.
A gentleman he was, and kissed her back polite
So if it wasn't right, it was just an oversight."
'Twas the night before Christmas and all was not still.
Jingler's rang; car'lers sang ‘Oh, To Men Of Good Will.’
But inside the courthouse, the defendant sat grim,
Took off his fur cap, stroked his chinny chin chin.
He stood 'fore the Judge, a frown creasing his face,
While his Lawyer proceeded to present his case.
"Your Honor", he pleaded, "this man's not a crook.
All he did was his job, which he did by the book."
The Judge glared from the bench, glasses tipped low.
"That's not quite the truth, I have his M.O.
Mister Clause is now in my jurisdiction,
And if I have a say, I'll yea for conviction."
"A quack we have here, in red masquerade,
With a sack filled with toys to complete the charade.
This man has ignored town noise ordinance,
So don't try to plead his law ignorance."
"His list of crimes go on; more than just a few.
Breaking and entering, everyone wants to sue.
Sneaking down chimneys is as bad as it gets.
Though child hanky-panky is worse even yet."
"Please explain the mistletoe, if perchance you can?
What about the orgy, started by this fat man."
The lawyer stepped forward, a tear 'pon his cheek,
"Please, your honor," said he, "please now may I speak?"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Jul 2014
About this poem:
i wrote it when I was angry when we were supposed to say, Happy Holiday in stead of Merry Christmas.Won A Poetry Contest/ ELVIS THE PIZZA MAN©
I WON A POETRY CONTEST© by Barbara Cronin Harrington
I entered a contest, surprised I had won
Along with another thousand and yet some.
Only $50.00 to buy the leather bound book,
With my poem in it was to be the hook.
Proud t'was I to see my poem in print
Before I recovered, a new email was sent
With yet another offer…my name upon a plaque
Only $70 was the cost… but quickly must I act.
But that was not the end of it,
My poem was put to sound
On tapes, CDs and books galore
For just a hundred dollars more.
Though the price was mighty high
The benefits were worth the try
I'd read my winning poem aloud
amid a cheering thunderous crowd
Before I could respond and write a big fat check,
There was still more… the biggest yet,
News so great, it was music to my ear
I was now named Poet Of The Year.
And this is the winning poem…
I went for a pizza and to my delight
Stood Elvis before me, all rhinestones in white
Stunned, I was speechless but finally said,
"My God, Mister Presley, I heard you were dead!"
"How rumors do fly," the pelvis did say,
"I had it with work, so I just slipped away
Got tired of show biz, cavorting and swinging
Of women and booze and carousing and singing."
"Off went my sideburns, my hair I dyed white
Went on a diet until fifty pounds light
Wore a gray flannel suit that came with a vest
And sat in the park, as birds will attest."
"I soon became bored and worse than that, broke
For I needed to work and that was no joke
Filled with depression, my destiny blue
Until I remembered what best I could do."
"My swivel and wiggle reborn with a grin
When my pasta is tossed in the air with a spin,
My spirits elated, I no longer feel low,
So now I make pizza...I'm rolling in dough."
EPILOGUE
Shocked was I to see this guy
Who some believe had long gone by,
Rumors abound that the hipster t’were found
And he wasn't six feet underground
Twas just by luck, for the very first time
That I should learn of a contest to join
So I entered Elvis, and would you believe won,
Along with a hundred thousand and then some.
I entered a contest, surprised I had won
Along with another thousand and yet some.
Only $50.00 to buy the leather bound book,
With my poem in it was to be the hook.
Proud t'was I to see my poem in print
Before I recovered, a new email was sent
With yet another offer…my name upon a plaque
Only $70 was the cost… but quickly must I act.
But that was not the end of it,
My poem was put to sound
On tapes, CDs and books galore
For just a hundred dollars more.
Though the price was mighty high
The benefits were worth the try
I'd read my winning poem aloud
amid a cheering thunderous crowd
Before I could respond and write a big fat check,
There was still more… the biggest yet,
News so great, it was music to my ear
I was now named Poet Of The Year.
And this is the winning poem…
I went for a pizza and to my delight
Stood Elvis before me, all rhinestones in white
Stunned, I was speechless but finally said,
"My God, Mister Presley, I heard you were dead!"
"How rumors do fly," the pelvis did say,
"I had it with work, so I just slipped away
Got tired of show biz, cavorting and swinging
Of women and booze and carousing and singing."
"Off went my sideburns, my hair I dyed white
Went on a diet until fifty pounds light
Wore a gray flannel suit that came with a vest
And sat in the park, as birds will attest."
"I soon became bored and worse than that, broke
For I needed to work and that was no joke
Filled with depression, my destiny blue
Until I remembered what best I could do."
"My swivel and wiggle reborn with a grin
When my pasta is tossed in the air with a spin,
My spirits elated, I no longer feel low,
So now I make pizza...I'm rolling in dough."
EPILOGUE
Shocked was I to see this guy
Who some believe had long gone by,
Rumors abound that the hipster t’were found
And he wasn't six feet underground
Twas just by luck, for the very first time
That I should learn of a contest to join
So I entered Elvis, and would you believe won,
Along with a hundred thousand and then some.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Jul 2014
About this poem:
I write poetry when the mood strikes me. I love comedy and this poem has won several awards... I love it myself. Love the meter. i also write books and screenplays.... this is my life.What I Don't Know I Knew
What I know
I don’t know
Is that how I go
Do I need to show
How slow
Or, what I don’t know
I need to know
Like a black crow
Or white snow
If I only knew
What I don’t know
Would I be blue
And cats still mew
I wish I knew
All that I know
If I could remember
That day in November
Oh shoot! I lost my boot
Was I wearing a business suit
I’ll be using what I know
In this crazy world of show
Although, if I knew
Would that start a coup
Or place me in a queue
If I could only remember
What happened in September
And if I only knew
I could certainly tell you
If knowledge is power
Just pick the red flower
Take your shower
Head to the tower
And, please, stay there an hour
It probably will take you that long to remember
What in the hell you did in December
Because if you don’t know
What you knew
How in the world can I tell you!
I don’t know
Is that how I go
Do I need to show
How slow
Or, what I don’t know
I need to know
Like a black crow
Or white snow
If I only knew
What I don’t know
Would I be blue
And cats still mew
I wish I knew
All that I know
If I could remember
That day in November
Oh shoot! I lost my boot
Was I wearing a business suit
I’ll be using what I know
In this crazy world of show
Although, if I knew
Would that start a coup
Or place me in a queue
If I could only remember
What happened in September
And if I only knew
I could certainly tell you
If knowledge is power
Just pick the red flower
Take your shower
Head to the tower
And, please, stay there an hour
It probably will take you that long to remember
What in the hell you did in December
Because if you don’t know
What you knew
How in the world can I tell you!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Jul 2014
About this poem:
I was visitng with Aristotle...in my mind...you know his famous quote "The more you know, the more you know you don't know.” And I just wanted to be silly with that thought and pen a little craziness! If you think about it...it is true though!
This Is More Fun To Do Than Watching Soccer
1. Watching paint dry
2. Clipping my fingernails
3. Taking out the garbage
4. Watching Soap Operas
5. Giving my dog a bath
6. Exercising
7. Picking out socks
8. Hanging out with mom while she shops for clothes
9. Fishing for hours without a bite
10. Going to a Latin mass at a Catholic church
11. Recycling
12. Watching Jimmy Fallon try to be funny
13. Digging a ditch
14. Mowing the grass
15. Washing dishes
16. Making my bed
17. Eating at a sushi restaurant
18. Visiting a bar after midnight
19. Listening to really bad karaoke singers
20. Visiting relatives
2. Clipping my fingernails
3. Taking out the garbage
4. Watching Soap Operas
5. Giving my dog a bath
6. Exercising
7. Picking out socks
8. Hanging out with mom while she shops for clothes
9. Fishing for hours without a bite
10. Going to a Latin mass at a Catholic church
11. Recycling
12. Watching Jimmy Fallon try to be funny
13. Digging a ditch
14. Mowing the grass
15. Washing dishes
16. Making my bed
17. Eating at a sushi restaurant
18. Visiting a bar after midnight
19. Listening to really bad karaoke singers
20. Visiting relatives
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Jul 2014
About this poem:
I have watched about 20 seconds of the world soccer so far. All I know is the game is being played in Brazil and the US is out.
Help
A poet draws inspiration from just about anything
And who knows what type of poem it will bring
The words that will be written may make you smile or make make you cry
They may may make you say lets start over instead of goodby
I for one never know what the next line will be
But I do know they will be words that come from me
I never want to use words someone has said before
I want to say welcome as I hold open the door
Sometimes I look into the eyes of someone I may never know
But something stirs and in my words it began,s to show
I guess it words I would say if I were at your side
Maybe its words you,ve heard before but he lied
Im smiling now as I wonder how this little poem will end
A little chuckle as I relize I didnt know how it would begin
If you know what the ending should be please feel free
Sometimes a poet needs a little push and thats whats happen to me
And who knows what type of poem it will bring
The words that will be written may make you smile or make make you cry
They may may make you say lets start over instead of goodby
I for one never know what the next line will be
But I do know they will be words that come from me
I never want to use words someone has said before
I want to say welcome as I hold open the door
Sometimes I look into the eyes of someone I may never know
But something stirs and in my words it began,s to show
I guess it words I would say if I were at your side
Maybe its words you,ve heard before but he lied
Im smiling now as I wonder how this little poem will end
A little chuckle as I relize I didnt know how it would begin
If you know what the ending should be please feel free
Sometimes a poet needs a little push and thats whats happen to me
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Jul 2014
About this poem:
A place to start
The Exam
Too much I cannot cope
Words just keep on floating
Clavicle, femur, cranium and more
The teacher sits there gloating
Sternum, scapula, mandible, patella
I think I lost their meaning
If I don’t pass this test
It will be ever so demeaning
Words just keep on floating
Clavicle, femur, cranium and more
The teacher sits there gloating
Sternum, scapula, mandible, patella
I think I lost their meaning
If I don’t pass this test
It will be ever so demeaning
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Jul 2014
About this poem:
No exam that I ever had to do ... thank goodness
A drunkards poem #2
Once a pun a TIm e.. ¥
2
+9
= 4
ANy wa y. On ce a pond a t ime
a wom@n went to
LIVE I n thE woods
She ESCAPED from the IRS.. $
She said thE IRS was a Whore$
She traveled dow n a Narrow path
And a green Chicken chewed on
h er shoe strinG@
BUT WHO CARES AnyWay????
Then it rained cats
AND DOgs, and she
Ate them All!
Amen
2
+9
= 4
ANy wa y. On ce a pond a t ime
a wom@n went to
LIVE I n thE woods
She ESCAPED from the IRS.. $
She said thE IRS was a Whore$
She traveled dow n a Narrow path
And a green Chicken chewed on
h er shoe strinG@
BUT WHO CARES AnyWay????
Then it rained cats
AND DOgs, and she
Ate them All!
Amen
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Jun 2014
Post CommentPoems entered on these pages are copyrighted by the authors who entered them. They cannot be reproduced without the author's written consent. © Copyright 2001-2024. All rights reserved.
This is a list of poems submitted by CS members. Click 'Details' tab to see all poems, or click on a poem title to view and comment on individual poems. Click headings to sort by comments or views.
Would YOU like to post a poem in the Poet's Corner? Have you written poetry that you'd like to share with other members? Posting your poetry shows your skill and creativity and helps members get to know you better. Your poem will appear on the Connecting Singles Poetry page and also in a link on your profile page.
Click here to publish your poetry »