Last Commented Humor Poems (1,868)

See the cops,
Got behind me,
And they,
Pulled me over,
And they,
Took my license,
And impounded my truck,
Then cause I,
Got arrested,
And I,
Missed some work,
Now the,
Boss is telling me,
That I dont have a job...,
Then cause I,
Had no money,
Now I have no honey,
She ran away with someone else,
Now they can pay her bills...,
Pour me a,
Nother drink,
Cause I dont,
Wanna think,
Yeah the liqours,
Like a waterfall,
Now I dont care at all...
Im gonna,
Drink it all away,
Drink it all away,
Drink it all away,
Yeah yeah yay...

To market,to market with my uncle Jim.

Someone threw a tomato at him,

Tomatoes dont hurt i said to him.

This fxxker did because it came in a tin.

Sorry children, but it's all true..
On December 15,2012 it's all going
down..
At 7:00am. when you walk out to your
front porch to pick up the morning
paper in your slippers the sky will
be an errie red..
You won't think to much of it til you
hear strange sounds getting louder from
beyond the hill..
You shut your door and peer through the
keyhole and you can make out strange
creatures bounding accross the fields..
Hundreds of them..no..thousands..
In a minute you can make out the forms
charging like lighting..
They are vicious hounds from hell with
red eyes and dripping saliva blood..
Suddenly, a clap of thunder shakes the
earth and lighting splits your neighbors
house in two..
You notice that a few of your neighbors
have begun to drag the streets like zombies
and their eyes have been burnt out of their
heads..
You run to the phone to call your husband at
work but the line is dead..and so is he.
Meteorites begin pounding the earth and hail
stones weighing 700 pounds are crushing
buildings like match boxes..
The earth has shifted off it's axis and the sun's
radiation is burning all plant life like tinder..
The moon has cracked apart and the stars are exploding in violent colors
People are coming up out of their graves and trying
to sell you a life insurance policy with low premiums..
You watch the weather man on TV turn into some green
slime and then pop like a bubble..
Your bottom lip begin to drip down on your big toe
and you notice that the cat has run off with your
breasts..The mailman knocks on your door and when you
answer he's nothing but a skull with snakes running
through his eye sockets
You vomit in his face and he thanks you..but still delivers
the mail..
Soon the hounds of hell are tearing your house apart
and their salva is an acid burning holes though the sidwalk..
Vultures with hellish screeches and wings seventy feet wide
begin snatching up bedazed towns people and soaring them up
into clouds of fiery ash
More mutants rise from the dead and grow wings
Flying at sonic speeds..
You begin to feel your body change into deaths
breakfast
You have become super strong and you run down the street
and rip the neighborhood bully's head off just for kicks..
The earth splits in half and you ride into deep space on what was left of your peaceful habitat
The world is now only 300 feet wide and a confused duck along with your mother-in-law blazes into the
eternal night
The moon? Gone.
Your new lawn mower? Zip
The hot chick chick you were
dating? She's history.
Welcome to 2012!

I had to look twice, cause I wasn’t sure
Didn’t want her seeing me staring at her
She caught my eye though
And threw me a wave
She played the Princess and I played the knave

We talked for a while in awkward phrases
Tackling topics in gradual stages
She told me she missed me
And I had to be brave
She played the Princess and I played the knave

We dropped into a place where the coffee was strong
I lied when I told her I couldn’t stay long
She said that’s okay
It ain’t you I crave
She played the Princess and I played the knave

She asked if I loved her
So I said I could try
I’d never admit what I cannot deny
But she seemed satisfied with the answer I gave
She played the Princess and I played the knave

We lay on her bed with the moon staring in
Sharing a joint and drinking her gin
The night was so still
And quiet as the grave
She played the Princess and I played the knave

Rainy mid morning woke us both up
The breakfast she made went cold in my cup
I imagined how easily
I could make her my slave
She played the Princess and I played the knave

If I see her again, I think I might hide
Stick my libido in a bag with my pride
Don’t pass no judgement on how I behave
She played the Princess and I played the knave

Good day Mr Drew
How do you do?
I'm still feeling oddly
From thinking of your body 

Oh me! oh my!
Mr Andrew sir
What a big anchor 
You have hanging there!

Is it quite robust?
Is that a spot of rust?
Allow me to clean it
It needs a womens touch

Oh no! oh gosh!
How Mr Drew?
When I touched your anchor
It covered me in goo!

When I was age five
Fairy tales were still alive

Along came 15
Wow now I’m a teen

An aspiring adult at 25
Things are just coming alive

Not a young adult at 35
But still keeping my stride

Middle age at 45
Old age is a far cry

Oh dear now 55
Managing to still thrive

Today I will turn 65
Still here and am alive!

who was it that said? "Don't sit under the apple tree
with anyone else but me.
Was it Adam or was it Eve?
The Gardner,spoke with Adam
But never spoke with Eve,
Eve was in the garden
Talking to the tree;.
"
" Take a bite of apple
And your eyes will open wide,
Then give some to Adam
As he stands by your side.
Then you both shall see
Knowledge at its best.
Go ahead sweetie,
this is not a test."

It was"the crunch heard
round. the world,
"A tree,talking to a girl.

Then Adam came upon the scene
"sake a bite", Eve did scream,
Your eyes will open wide,
"?Oh! have you seen a Fig tree,
There something I must hide?

Adam took a bite.
" You don't need a fig tree,
Not according to my site,
Said Adam with a smile
All for Eve's delight.


Then the Gardener came on sight
With a roar and full of might.
And hollered out a quip.
'Listen up guys your
Going on a trip.".
Eve spoke the words,
" How long doo we stay?"
Never mind the details
Your trip is

all one way.
Have a lot of fun tilling in the soil,
And Eve, on having children,
You will. forget the pain
But not before it rains.

There once was a pig named Fred
who sadly it has to be said
was a tad overweight
and couldn't fit through the gate
so spent all his days in his bed.

running in circles
going nowhere fast
round and round
I won't last

Spinning my wheels
like a clock
times my enemy
tick, tick tock

To make do
with what I got
that I do
and do alot

I guess I'll run
perhaps break the cycle

I could be stuck
or out of luck
still I run
and
run a muck

Wish I was in a square
so I could find an angle
instead of no escape
yea mabe something like a triangle

Oh well who knows
time comes and goes

So what if i'm in some nowhere land
I like being lost, you know and understand
so come on, don't be in a band
not when you could just grab my hand

I thought that i would
make you some cookies ,
but I went to the store
and bought some yummy ones !

They looked so good ,
and even smelt better;
now they just disappeared ,
they are in a better place .

I'll keep this a secret
so only you will know ,
I had a yummy temptation
and it feels so bad.