Last Commented Humor Poems (1,868)

My inbox said, connecting singles you have new mail
My toes curled, the rush of blood made my face pale
Who could it be? Had someone enjoyed my smile?
Was my search over after many an endless mile

I quietly connected with an unsteady trembling hand
That feeling of emptiness vanished to some other land
The red lit button seemed to mesmerise my gaze
My eyes misted over in tears involuntary haze

My new beginning was just one click away
Oh how I sought for this to be our lifelong day
With hope and trepidation your message I read
How I wished you would be the butter for my bread

Helo, how isn’t you, I do not like alcohol or smoke
I see your profile, it say you pretty nicey bloke
I look for love it say you want to do the sames
Pay my fares pleese, I meet you when comes on trains

I much height womens my years older is twenty eight
I comes to you me nevers turns over late
Much love for yous it says pleads my hart
Plees to reply to ******.com for our massage to start

Could this be it my mind said with a bounding plea
I felt so weak I virtually sank onto one knee
My tattered heart pleaded you was not another scam
Another lonely night spent with a plate of chips and spam

A dwarf has his reasons
never discuss
the finer points of pole vaulting

Poetic tomes, grammatical strife
in a high piled, white tiled, scrabble life
consonants collide
vowels vault
the sentence structure isn't neat
a faulty concept incomplete
I'll have to have another try
this poetry nonsense is do or die :)

Knock, knock no one is at home,
To greet me or read my poem,
Shall I wait here a little longer,
Or leave a message for them to read later,

Twinkle, twinkle little blinking star,
Will you come and stay with me awhile?
Night wind playing with my curly hair,
Will you take me up to visit Mr. Moon?

Ding dong,ding dong on my grandfather's clock,
Its time to go to bed and meet the jumping sheeps,
I'm afraid of the dark and hide under my sheet,
Will daylight come and bring mummy and daddy to me soon?

Holy holy to my Father and his Son Jesus Christ,
Not forgetting the holy ghost aka Spirit,
Please take care of me
From this dangerous place,
And save my family, friends and enemies!

A man is lying on his deathbed
the priest comes in and says
"Son I want you to renounce the Devil and condemn his evil"
the man says nothing, so the priest says a little louder
"Son I want you to renounce the Devil and condemn his evil"
still no reply
Exasperated the priest says
"My son, you may have only one hour to live, you should renounce the Devil and condemn his evil"
the man opens one eye and says
"Father until I know which way I'm going I'm not about to antagonize anybody"

I can only just see his eyes over the mask
is he squinting? yeah its a death stare
I'm sure
and he could go for that highlighter pen any moment
I move a little uneasily but rotate my chair towards him
adjust my mask, showing no fear
we are now locked into this moment
I slowly reach for the stapler
never lose eye contact
tapping it on my thigh
I can see he's pondering the move
no way to up it easily
now he's fiddling with his phone
I have the edge
I wonder if we are still going to lunch :)

"What happened to your pickup seat? Is that buffalo track?"
Well, I guess you had to be there. We had a cow attack.
It all began when me and Roy went out to check the cows.
We'd finished lunch and washed our "soap" and forced ourselves to rouse.

We's pokin' through the heavy bunch for cows to take and check.
I spotted one but his 'ol mom was bowin' up her neck.
She pawed the ground and swung her head a-slingin' froth and spit.
Then bellered like a wounded bull. "Say, Roy," I says, "Let's git!"

But Roy was bent on taggin' him and thought to make a grab.
"Just drive up there besides the calf, "I'll pull him in the cab."
Oh, great. Another stroke of genius, of cowboy derring-do.
Sure-'nuff when Roy nabbed the calf, his mama came in, too.

And I do mean climbed up in there! Got a hoof behind the seat.
Punched a horn right through the windshield and she wasn't very neat.
She was blowin' stuff out of both ends till the cab was slick and green
It was on the floor and on the roof and on the cow vaccine.

If you've been inside a dryer at the local laundromat
With a bear and 50 horseshoes then you know just where I's at.
At one point she was sittin' up, just goin' for a ride
But then she tore the gun rack down.The calf went out my side.

I was fighting' with my door lock which she'd smashed a-passin'by
When she peeked up through the steering wheel and looked me in the eye.
We escaped like paratroopers out the window, landed clear.
But the cow just kept on drivin', 'cause the truck was still in gear.

She topped a hump and disappeared. The blinker light came on
But if she turned I never saw, by then the truck was gone.
I looked at Roy,"My truck is wrecked. My coveralls are soaked.
I'll probably never hear again. I think my elbow's broke.

"And look at you-yer pitiful. All crumpled up and stiff.
Like you been et by wild dogs and pooped over a cliff."
"But think about it," Roy said. "Since Grampa was alive,
I believe that that's the first time I've ever seen a cattle drive."

~ Lie To Me ~

Tell me that you love me

Tell me that you care

Tell me that you want me for your life to share

Tell me that I am the only one and that you always will be true

Tell me all the things I want to hear, then I will lie to you

You are so beautiful and I want you so

You are so intelligent, of course this you surely know

You are the only one for me and I love you more each day

You have the body of a Goddess of this I can truly say

You chase all the passionate wanted men away

A lie can be a secret, one that you can regret

A lie can be big or small, it can put you into it’s never ending debt

A lie can grow & grow until it consumes you so

A lie can start out small but surely destructive grow

A lie can be a headache as surely as we live and breath

~ Tell me a lie ~
~ And I will tell you one to ~

~ Do you really care ~

~ I Do ~

Poet
JimEee

I had a dream
About a man with gentle eyes.
And during the night
I got so used to him.
He kept me tight.
It was so sweet with him all night.

He disappeared with the sunrise,
And I forgot to ask his name.
I still feel his hot lips
On my face
Whilst I was awake.

My dear friends
In case you meet him
In your dreams
Please ask his name
For me

"Are you teaching him a lesson?" She asked, eager to please,
As I tried to keep from barfing, my head between my knees.
"You hung on like a windsock! It just tickled us to death!"
Is she serious? I'm drooling, I can't hardly catch my breath.

"When you leaned yourself up forward and kissed him 'tween the ears,
The whole class just went crazy! I guess you heard the cheers!"
That must how I broke my nose and split my upper lip,
But I guess it looked like kissing', "I just love your horsemanship!"

"The way you tame the savage beast, the techniques that you're usin'".
When my tailbone hit the cantle, I felt my sphincter loosen.

"You reckon you could show us how you did it once again?
Be nice to get some photos." What? To show my next of kin?
I guess there goes my living will. I'm a victim of the forces.
The way this looks, I might as well be shoein horses.

"It was really so impressive, the way you made him load
At full gallop,sittin' backwards, from a way on down the road".
So that's how I hit the trailer, I think I lost a pound of flesh.
Thank goodness it was rusty and my tetanus shot was fresh.

"Could you show us that maneuver where you circled like a fan
With nothin' but your buckle touchin',
Holdin' out both your hands?"
Now where'd I put my Dramamine?
It was here the other day,
I'm feelin' kinda woozy,
Did Brannaman start out this way?

I thought it would be easy to be a horse clinician.
Now it's gonna take a miracle to explain this exhibition.
How I really was in full control, above the rising panic,
Though I looked like the propeller on the back of the Titanic!

"It's what I call the daisy," I modestly explained.
"It takes a master trainer to achieve what I've attained."
"You should concentrate on basics, skip the fancy stuff," I warned.
Besides, I thought, any gunsel can accidentally hook his buckle on the horn!