mcradloff Poetry (529)

Let me tell you all a story about a man named Todd
The poor salesman barely kept his cats fed
Then one day he was playin the lottery
When up from the computer came the winning numbers
300 million that is
150 million if you take it as one lump payment
Next thing you know old Todd's a millionaire
Kinfolk said, "Todd! Move away from there!"
They said Illinois is the place you outta be
So he loaded up his crap and he moved to Illinois
Cub fans that is, Bear fans too
The Illinois Hillbillies

I soothsayer have some more predictions for the future.

1. The Loc Ness Monster will be captured and bred to make Red
Lobster a fortune.

2. A golf course will be made that will guarantee hole in ones
with funnel greens.

3. Dinosaurs will be bred as a new source of tourism and
Madagascar will be turned into a Velociraptor and T-Rex
hunting location.

4. Vietnamese will popularize the eating of dogs and they will be
served as hot dogs at ball parks all over the U.S.

5. The Germans will be real nice and the French will still be
arrogant.

6. The Irish will sober up and the Scottish will wear uderwear
under their kilts.

7. The English will have perfect teeth.

8. Lightning will be harnessed as a new energy source.

9. The world will not end, but Jesus will come, but not until
5 billion AD, the same year the sun turns into a red giant and
later a white dwarf and later a black dwarf and then the world
will end.

I soothsayer
Seer of all things
Will make my predictions for the future

1. A race of aliens will take over the earth and use us as an ingredient in a soup.

2. Dogs will learn to speak and become masters of their owners who will be forced to eat Dog Chow out of bowls while the dogs eat steak.

3. The population of the world will be kept in check by widespread cannibalism.

4. The Cubs will win the World Series and North Dakota will be the most visited tourist state.

5. An electric car will be made that will double as a golf cart.

6. A diet pill will be invented allowing anyone to eat all the food they want and stay skinny, but not too skinny.

7. There will be interstellar travel and all the moons of all the planets will be colonized.

8. Obama will destroy the US economy and China will take over, killing millions of Americans to make room for their expanding population.

9. Walmart and Subway will be the only businesses left and will be real mean to their employees.

10. The lifespan of man will be made 1,000 years as head transplants become available.

You better watch out
You better not cheat
You better not pig out
I'm telling you why
Santa Scale is coming to town
Santa Scale is coming to town
Santa Scale is coming to town
He's making a list
He's checking it twice
He's gonna find out whose fat or fit
Santa Scale is coming to town
Santa Scale is coming to town
Santa Scale is coming to town
He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've eaten fruit or cake
So you better be good for goodness sake

I took down the outside ligts
I put the manger scene away
I took the Christmas cartoons off my fridge
I put away my collection of Christmas Coke cans
I put my angels and Christmas towels away
I took the garland off the tree
I took the ornaments off the tree
I accidentally broke one that was about 50 years old
I dropped one but the craft string protected the ornament
I took off the star
I took off the lights
I dismantled the artificial tree
I had my Christmas decorations up for 50 days
I miss them, but it was time
I had to get read for the superbowl

I would like to give you my review on some of the more popular Christmas movies that are out this time of year. I myself don't get much time to watch movies as my work occupies me constantly.

Home Alone

Completely unbelieveable concept
A little boy outsmarts two grown adults crooks
If it were in real life he would have been shot dead
And boiled in his own pudding

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

The only character in that movie I like was Clark's boss
Then he gets all liberal at the end and gives out bonuses
My miserable bookkeeper Crachit is lucky he gets a day off
And in the process picking my pocket for a day of unearned wages

Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer

The good thing about this movie is that Santa and I are a lot alike
He sees a way of exploiting an employee
In this case Rudolph with his horrible birth defect
And turns it into a positive for the company
Pure genius!

It's A Wonderful Life

My favorite part of this movie is that Mr. Potter
Never gets in trouble for stealing the 8,000 dollars
From Uncle Billy
One of the most realistic movies ever made
Except for the part of George Bailey being a chump
And never making any profits off the loans he gives out
Good luck finding a George Bailey in London Or anywhere else for that matter!

Hello, my name is Terrance the Turkey
Can you do me a huge favor?
Please don't have turkey this Thanksgiving
I don't want to wake up Thanksgiving morning
With my head cut off and stuffing shoved up my butt
There are a lot of great alternatives
Ham is a good choice
For all you hunters out there
Vension is a great choice
Steak is always a winner with friends and family
For all you vegetarians out there
They make a fake turkey called tofurkey
Made entirely out of soybeans and other nonmeat additives
As far as pumpkin pie
It does contain eggs
I'm ok with that
They're chicken eggs!

Stir fry
Stir fry
Give me some of that Stir Fry
I want some small ears of corn
they fill my soul
How about a crispy egg roll
Sweet and sour sauce
Duck sauce
Put it right on
Take a nice wonton
Don't use the fork
It really is too quick
Use a pair of chop sticks
I like the vegetables and meat
It's so juicy
But you can keep your sushi
Peace!
Word to your wok

I was waiting with patience
For my Nexflix to come in the mail
The shiny red envelope was my favorite piece of mail
Where did you go?
I found out with a lot of prying on your website
You no longer allow just a dvd in the mail
You have to have the streaming first
Then you can add the dvd option for another eight bucks
You changed and seperated the two and I paid the 16 bucks for a while
Now you want me to pay for a service
I don't even use so I can get eight dvds in the mail a month
that would be two bucks a dvd
I can get them at the library for free
I can get them at Redbox for 1.29
Redbox doesn't charge a monthly fee either
I'd like to keep you around
but for now I have to say
bye bye!

When you were little the fish would bite all the time
Why didn't you leave some for me daddy?
You used to tell me stories of catching 100 fish in an hour
Why didn't you just catch 25 and leave the rest for me?
Why do you vilify Mr. Potter
But then you act like him by taking all the panfish?
You say this is wonderful weather for fishing
I look at my bobber and it lays still for hours
This you call a wonderful fishing trip?

We will all miss Hal
He really was a happy soul
He was a real good person
In spite he was only one cell
But they say good things do come in small packages
He ate a few euglenas the other day and grew too big
He split into two new people
Now we welcome Frank and Sally
I'm sure they will carry on his tradition
Of oozing around
and oozing around
Till someday they become
Bill, Sandy, Pat, and Bobby

He was born in Kenya
He went to Hawaii
He married a woman there
They had Barack Obama
His friends called him Barry
He left his wife
He left his son
He eventually went back to Kenya
He had eight children in total
With three different women
He was verbally abusive to his last wife and children
He drove drunk
He killed one man
He lost his legs and had metal legs
He died hitting a gum tree stump
While driving drunk
He has been dead for 20 years
Will his son get another four years in the White House?