mcradloff Poetry (529)

Here's to you George W Bush, you were smart enough to lie so your buddies could get rich off a fake war.
(Saddam has weapons of mass destruction)
You knew that the United Nations would never support you and the French were a bunch of limp wristed wine sippers.
(Call them freedom fries)
So here's to you Mr. President, keep the war going, what do you care, you're out in two years anyways.
(Keep on smirking)
(Real Men of Courage)

When you're trying to survive
it is important to know that you are indestructable
and nothing can harm you
so therefore you can do anything you want
When faced with a bear the best thing to do is clap it on the ears
and then just stand there and glare at it
When faced with an alligator you should approach it and
grabbing ahold of each jaw with both hands pull it apart
because their jaws are very weak
To ward off mosquitos run a lot and get really sweaty
that will ward them off
To save yourself from a dog attack make cat noises
and if that doesn't work try biting Fido on the nose
To save yourself from a mountain lion attack run away
as fast as you can and if it does get to you which it shouldn't
cause they're not that fast but if it should keep moving around
that will save your life
When in the desert stay in the sun to get a good tan
and keep your spirits up with a good vitamin D boost
and don't worry about finding water
it rains all the time in the desert
If in the artic look for a polar bear
kill it with your bare hands and use its fur coat to stay toasty
When swimming in the Amazon River
you don't have to worry about pirahna attacks because they only
attack animals their own size
If you follow these survival tips you will not only survive
you will thrive anywhere

I don't play golf to feel bad, I play bad golf but feel great.

To be a bad golfer is easy, that's why most people are bad golfers.
To be a good golfer one must work out three hours every day and walk at least 36 holes of golf each and every day. No golf carts can be used and you must get a caddy to carry your clubs or carry them yourself, no pull carts are allowed. Pull carts and golf carts are for lazy, bad golfers which you and I are a part of. You say, I'm not a bad golfer, then why are you reading this? If you were a good golfer you'd be walking on the golf course or writing an article for a golf magazine showing us bad golfers how to swing or hawking some new club that will hit the ball farther and straighter, which of course it will not. The club doesn't count, it's your swing, your bad swing that is the reason for you and millions of other golfers who shoot triple digit scores. Of course that is if you play by the rules. Most golfers don't play by the rules, they cheat. They don't count lost balls, they don't go back to where they hit their first shot, they move the ball away from obstacles, don't count out of bounds, and take as many mulligans as they want. But if you illiminated all the bad golfers, golf would cease to exist. The bad golfers support the good golfers by buying the clubs, the balls, and all the other crap good golfers help to sell. And bad golfers are always going to buy it because they are desperate.

It was in the bright July
I distinctly remember I saw a butterfly
I was so happy I didn't ask why
I saw a stately bluebird
Not a moment stop or stay he
He perched on the bust of Palace
Just above my chamber door
He perched and sat on the bust of Palace
Just above my chamber door
Quoteth the bluebird "Forevermore"
Then I felt myself grow stronger
And I thought of the morrow
Of past, present, and future
Filled me with fantastic joys
I never felt before
Quoteth the bluebird "Forevermore"
It was then I saw my maiden
The fair and radiant Lenore
I felt the fortune of a rich man
She will stay with me
Quoteth the bluebird "Forevermore"
And my soul from out that dazzling light
Will shine brighter each passing day
And it shall continue Forevermore
And the bluebird left the bust of Palace
and flew out the door and he shall sing
Forevermore

Good evening ladies and gentlemen.
I am here to unveil the newest pet.
I believe this animal will replace the dog
as man's most loving companion.
I present to you the velociraptor.
Don't be afraid, I have domesticated this beast.
He's not gonna disembowel anyone here, I assure you.
He is above all a great protector.
No burglar would dare rob you or mug you with one
of these babies as your pet.
Thanks to cloning technology we were able to put
the DNA found in a dinosaur egg and put it into a chicken egg.
So these velociraptors would be cheap to mass produce.
Sir, please put your camera away!
As I said earlier my pet raptor is a great protector,
maybe a little too good.
Down boy, down Hugo. Put down that camera, oh no!
Hugo, don't you dare disembowel that man,
oh you're gonna be punished now, no just kidding Hugo.
Just kid- Ow! Aaa! You get my flesh out of your mouth
this instant Hugo. Everyone, I am sorry, I would advise you
to run for your lives because I just remembered one more real
important thing about having a velociraptor as a pet.
You have to feed him each day in the morning.
If not, then, well as I am and that camera guy,
you become his snack. Well, I seem to be losing vital fluids.
I seem to be dieing, so my final words would have to be,
it really hurts getting eaten alive by a velociraptor!

Oh yeah, when I was your age ice cream only cost a penny.
You could see a movie, have an eight ounce glass bottle of pop,
a popcorn, a candy bar, and another candy for a nickel.
We didn't have television.
All we had was a radio we listened to for 10 minutes a day
because batteries were expensive.
You worked from sunup to sundown and slept when it got dark.
The only day we had off was on Sunday to go to church and play games.

I wish I could be a bee
I could fly all day
I wish I could be a star
and shine from afar
I wish I could be a cow
and chew some grass right now
I wish I was a hummingbird
and eat nectar and not say a word
I wish I was rich
then I would not b*tch
I wish I was hot
then I would get any woman I want
I wish I could fly
you don't have to ask why
I wish I could bring joy to the depressed
I wish I could feed all the hungry
I wish I could give free health care to all the people
I wish I could visit my family and not feel out of place
I wish I could work at a job and not care about race
I wish I could love everyone
I wish noone was lonely
I wish noone was sad
I wish everyone got along with everyone
I wish you all the happiness in the world

As far as I'm concerned the price of gas is too low
I offer you Senator a bill that will not only increase oil profits
For the oil companies
But also tack on a pay raise for ourselves
I don't know about you
But I do know what the American people who are struggling to stay warm
In the winter and fill their vehicles mean to me
What they mean to me and what they mean to you
Are a bunch of suckers to use and abuse
I don't care about them at all
What I do care about is my own wealth
And doing right isn't going to do that
Keeping the price of gas low isn't gonna put that shiny red porche
In my garage or a 50 inch plasma TV hanging on my wall
So by passing this bill to raise the price of gas from 3.30 to 4 bucks
By May and make these increases retroactive each and every year
At a rate of 18.5 percent each year
So you see fellow Senators in just 10 years we will all be very
Rich men and the poor will get poorer which is exactly what we do best
Thank you for your time

When I hear the word Serial Killer
I instead think Cereal Killer
A crazy guy is going around
He's killing off all the cereal mascots
He has a clever thing to say before he does them in
Your luck just ran out Lucky Charms!
Oh yeah, tricks are for kids, and bullets are for rabbits!
They're greaaaat, and you're deaaaad!
So you go cucko for Coco Puffs, well guess what I am cucko birdy!
I don't know much about Crunch Berries Capn, but I do know how to make you walk off the plank matee!
Hey! Tucan Sam! Did you get your fruit today? Well, here's a little iron!
They found the man at his home dancing to Richard Simmon's Sweatin to the Oldies. He has been put in prison for life eating a steady diet of Kix cereal.

For many years I've carved
Halloween Pumpins large and small
Bats and Skeletons
Vampires and Demons
Scary Faces
Funny Faces
Vote 4 Obama
Vote 4 Kind
Ghosts and Graveyards
Witches and Sorcerers
Werewolves and Owls
I carved ten last year
This year I will carve five
Before that I carved three each year
From 1996 till 2009
I carved one a year from 1985 to 1995
So I've carved about 65
Carving pumpkins is quite easy
Get a serrated saw and some patterns
Put the pumpkin inside overnight
Or the pumpkin will be too wet to hold the design
Cut your lid at an angle so the lid stays on top
Scrape out the seed and pulp
Thin the pumpkin so your saw can go all the way through
Put on your pattern with scotch tape
Poke holes through the pattern into the pumpkin
Remove the pattern and follow it as you saw hole to hole
Carefully pop out the pieces
Use a plug-in light through hole in the bottom of your jackolatern
Carve it only one day ahead of display or day of to keep rot away
Enjoy and let others enjoy your halloween pumpkin!!

Ok, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna sacrifice the little girl to the zombies. If their hunger for human flesh is satisfied, then we can go out among the undead. Why it would be like walking amongst Republicans, you know, no heart activity, very little brain activity.

If you stand absolutely still, a zombie will not eat you.

We'll give the zombies Coke, their teeth will rot out and they will be unable to eat us.

If you are bitten by a zombie, just drink some cranberry juice immediately, that will cure it for sure.

Zombies can only walk at a maximum pace of two miles per hour, so just run away. Only extremely fat and lazy people have to worry about being bitten by a zombie, and even if they do, their lifestyle won't really be that much different.

If we just go into our bunkers for six months and wait it out, all the zombies muscles will rot away, and you can't eat people if you are just a bunch of rot and bones.

Here there is no fear
Here there is no hate
Here there is only love
Here there is hope
Here there is joy
Here there is gold everywhere
Here everyone is rich
Here there is forgiveness
Here there is peace
Here there are no limitations
All the answers are answered
You get to eat anything you want
You never gain weight
You never have pain
Your teeth are perfect and straight
You can travel anywhere in the universe in an instant
You can go ice skating or ice fishing on Europa
You can climb Olympus Mons
You can scale down a canyon wall on Mars
You can travel to any of the stars
Visit aliens from afar
In heaven you can do it all
You'll be with people who love you
You'll be feeling alright
The future looks bright