Most Commented Comedy Blogs (1,865)

On a recent blog about wheels, one member asked if she could sit topless in my car and not get arrested.

This reminds me of a time I took my (ex) gf out into the desert to teach her to drive off road.,after an hour or so she said she was hot so I turned up the AC..no not that kind of hot..ah I see.

So I had a look round and thought, great, place is deserted..lets get it on. So i pushed the seats forward and sits in the back..off came my shorts and hers and strides across me..while she was riding away I heard..shit ! some one is coming..I looks over my shoulder and over comes a military Jeep...OMG! we are in deep shit now.

I frantically pull up my shorts but don't even have time to find my sandals, I jump out and walk over to one as he was walking over to me..Big strapping Arab with dark glasses, book and pen in hand, but a big smile on his face..im shitting myself by this time, my ex is laid down the back of the car.

This guy points to the car and said..Family ?..wife ?..no my GF i said..still with this big smile upon his face. He than calls over his mate and talk in arabic..of course..as this guy comes over he's smiling, by this time I'm a little relieved as its not going to be as bad as I thought.

While we are chatting and I'm giving him my id i saw something out of the corner of my eye, looks twice and to my utter amazement, was a pair of leopard skin panties hanging out the front of my shorts..like a sporron !..WTF what am I to do..leave it there, pretend I never saw them..when they weren't looking i grabbed them and put them in my pocket as if nothing had happened..what was the point they had seen it, knew what I was doing and now I know why they both had the biggest grins.

They never went over to the car, she was still laid down in the foot welll of the car. They took my details, then said..okay you can stay here..1 hour..2 hour..no problem ...laughed and drove off.

I got in the car and she said all ok ?..i can't find my knickers...NO I know.. Ive got them!...when I told her we laughed all the way home...and I'm sure if it were not for the panties hanging out of my shorts it would have been worse..but these guys could simply not be strict..as it was to comical to see..from their perspective....Thank you Barhain..

My favorite part of the day...reminds of those sweet moments when I feel complete in the arms of special someone.

I know it's usually night time for most and morning time is good time for me too but afternoon is kinda special to me...after sharing good food for lunch, cuddling in front of the tv, rubbing each other's back and sleep in each other's arms...wake up watching the sun set from the window...those wonderful feeling of contentment and happiest will always keep me warm and put a smile on my face...if I don't get to experience them again, at least I have those sweet memories to last me a lifetime

Oh shit! must be the fish and snake beans I had for lunch!



Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight
Gonna grab some afternoon delight
My motto's always been, when it's right it's right
Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night

When everything's a little clearer in the light of day
Then we know the night is always gonna be here anyway

Thinking of you's working up an appetite
Looking forward to a little afternoon delight
Rubbin' sticks and stones together make the sparks ignite
And the thought of rubbin' you is gettin' so excited

Sky rocket's in flight, afternoon delight
Afternoon delight, afternoon delight

Started out this morning feeling so polite
I always though a fish could not be caught who didn't bite
But you've got some bait a waitin'
And I think I might try nibbling a little afternoon delight

Sky rocket's in flight, afternoon delight
Afternoon delight, afternoon delight

Be waiting for me, baby, when I come around
We can make a lot of lovin' 'fore the sun goes down

Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite
Looking forward to a little afternoon delight
Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite
And the thought of lovin' you is getting so exciting

Sky rocket's in flight, afternoon delight
Afternoon delight, afternoon delight
Afternoon delight, afternoon delight



Read more: Starland Vocal Band - Afternoon Delight Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Any of this sound familiar?


1966: Long hair
2016: Longing for hair

1966: KEG
2016: EKG

1966: Acid rock
2016: Acid reflux

1966: Moving to California because it's cool
2016: Moving to Florida because it's warm

1966: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2016: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1966: Seeds and stems
2016: Roughage

1966: Hoping for a BMW
2016: Hoping for a BM

1966: Going to a new, hip joint
2016: Receiving a new hip joint

1966: Rolling Stones
2016: Kidney Stones

1966: Screw the system
2016: Upgrade the system

1966: Disco
2016: Costco

1966: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2016: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1966: Passing the drivers' test
2016: Passing the vision test

1966: Whatever
2016: Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1998.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced 7 years before they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane.”

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet?

Well, cheer up...you've always got company!

Yesterday afternoon I went shopping, and on the drive to our local mall, on the radio, there was a Lawyer talking. He mentioned how concerned he was about peoples legal needs, and that was his main priority..... , he used fancy words, and sounded so sincere. Any dealings I ve had with lawyers, left me with the impression that their main concern was $money$$$$$ Those lawyers jokes are out there for a reason. Heres 2 of my favorite,
A fellow goes to see a lawyer, and asks the lawyer, Is it true that you charge $100 for every question you re asked. The lawyer looks at the fellow and says, Yes, now whats your second question,
Whats brown and black and looks good one a lawyer, A Doberman,
Anyone heard any new ones,

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. (see comment)

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

**************************************
Brenda O'Malley is
home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where is my husband?”
”That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. "there was an accident down at the Guinness
brewery…"
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is
dead and gone.I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How
did it happen, Tim?""
It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stoutand drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He
got out three times to pee.”

I keep thinking of taking a course on procrastination but I never seem to get round to it.

The stallion and the mare were going to get married, but when the time came for the stallion to appear at the church, he got cold feet and failed to show up.
The mare hoofed indignantly, "The beast! He left me at the halter...
...and is probably out there with some cheap filly, horsing around.
But if he is that fickle, I'm better off not to be saddled with him for life.
I can do without the bridle bouquet!

The runaway groom was later found in a stable condition...dear me, we need to rein in this line of jokes or we'll risk making foals of ourselves !

Oi, don't get on your high horse and nag me!

And welcome to the annual plastic surgeons convention.... Nice to see a lot of new faces this year.

Just read a story in the paper about a local lady taken to hospital today after having too much phone sex. Surgeons apparently found an iPhone, one Nokia, two Samsungs, a Motorola and three different men's Siemens inside her!

I looked out my window and saw a guy in a black robe who was trying to clear the frost off his car with a scythe. So I thought I'd go and help.
"Stop," said my wife, grabbing my arm. "You're de-icing with death."

What really naff's me off, is when I see/hear people using big words and they can't even spell or pronounce them properly.
Pretentshush git's.

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade…


A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to
go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"


He said: "Who the hell did your hair?"

Got this courtesy of a friend...Is it coming to this???

Daughter: "Daddy, I am coming home to get married. Take out your
check book. I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in
California and he lives in New York. We met on a dating website,
became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed
to me on Skype and now we've had two months of relationship through
Viper. Dad, I need your blessings, good wishes, and a big wedding."


Father: "Wow! Really!! Then get married on Twitter, have fun on
Tango, buy your kids on Amazon and pay through PayPal. And if you
get fed up with your husband....sell him on Ebay."