Most Commented Comedy Blogs (1,865)

Puns and Other Groaners

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on ahead."

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes in-verse.

In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!

I speak a few languages, however, there are some defining statements in English that just don’t have that certain “punch” when said in a foreign language.

For example.... The phrase “fat pig” has a nice harsh bite to it, yet translated literally into Spanish “cerdo gordo” is a bit lame. Translated into French has a better kick “gross porc”

Then again, there are some phrases that conjure up a pleasing image...

For example “culo con una pollo” (arse like a chicken)

Do you have a favourite pharse that well describes a person/situation?

A lawyer calls his largest client to his office for an important meeting.

When he arrives, the lawyer says to the wealthy art collector client, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The client grumbles, "I've had an awful day. Tell me the good news."

"Your wife invested $50,000 in two pictures today. She believes they are worth at least $10 million."

"Well done!" the tycoon says with a big smile. "Good news indeed! You've made my day.

So what's the bad news?"


"The two pictures are of you with your secretary.

He is one of my favorite comedians. He has something to say, he says it. Can you tell me who this is? Do you have a quote of his that you favor? If so, would love to hear it, could really use some laughter right now. If there are other comedians you would like to quote that would help me find my laughter, then do share




I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow.

You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered.

Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.

There once was a magical frog who lived in a huge forest. The forest was so big that he had never seen another animal as long as he lived. One day he was walking to the stream when he happened to come across a bear chasing a rabbit for his lunch.

He stopped them and called them over and said "I'm a magical frog. Seeing as you are the first two animals I've ever seen in my life, I'll give you each three wishes. You may have one wish at a time, and the bear may go first, because he is the biggest."

The bear thinks about it for a while and finally says "I wish every bear in this forest besides me was a female." The frog snaps his fingers and says "It is done. Every other bear in this forest is now female. Rabbit, what's your first wish?"

The rabbit quickly says "I want a crash helmet". The frog thought this was a bit weird, but said nothing. He snapped his fingers and a crash helmet appeared in front of the rabbit, who then strapped it on without thinking twice.

The frog turns to the bear and says "What's your second wish?" The bear says "Well.. I wish every bear in the NEXT forest was a female." The frog snaps his fingers and says "It is done. Every bear in the next forest is female. Rabbit- Your next wish?"

The rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. This was too much for the bear, who thought the rabbit was wasting his wishes. "What the hell are you doing? Why don't you wish for all the money in the world and go BUY a motorcycle??" The rabbit replies "No, I want a motorcycle NOW" So the frog snaps his fingers and a motorbike magically appears in front of the rabbit, who proceeds to hop on and gun the engine. The frog then asked the bear what his last wish would be.

"Gee," said the bear, "this is going GREAT! I wish every other bear in the WORLD besides me was a female!" The frog snaps his fingers and says "It is done. Every bear on earth besides you is female. Rabbit, what's your last wish?"

The rabbit said- "I wish the bear was a homo".

Whats the height of being intoxicated?
When you walk across the dance floor to buy another drink and you win the Singles Dance Competition..

You hear about the drunk catholic sitting in the confessional?
After a long silence the priest taps the divider to catch the attention of the guy.
"you're knocking for nothing, no toilet paper here either"



One day a farmer walks into a general dealer and buys a heavy Anvil, tin bucket, two chickens and a goose. The farmer stares at all his purchases and mutters. " "I wonder how i'm going to carry all this seeing that I walked into town." Some (SA farmers) are not too bright.
Not wanting to lose the sale, the Dealer sez, "Put the anvil in the bucket, one chicken under each arm and carry the goose in you other hand." It works out perfectly and off goes the farmer humming a tune....
A little way down the road a very prim and proper lady stops the farmer and asks " Could you please tell me where upper road is?" "Its not far" sez the farmer, "come and I'll show you a shortcut and you will be there in no time"
The petite lady clutches her chest in dismay and say: "I am just a lonely widow that has lost her husband a long time ago, so how will i K now that you won't abuse me in the ally?" The farmer is taken aback and says:
"Good Lord lady, how on earth could i do that with all my stuff in my hands, look at my load, are you crazy?"
She replies: "Easy. Put the goose down and cover it with the bucket with the anvil on top to keep it it place.... and I will hold on to the two chickens"

Enjoy the weekend. And dont win too many single competitions...

Then again maybe we can't blame Track for all of this since it is now legalized there......




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Probably the strangest names for children came from musician Frank Zappa. His daughter was named Moon Unit and his son was named Dweezil. When Moon was asked if her unusual name caused her problems when growing up, her reply was "Not really." Of course not, her father was a very famous musician and grew up in Hollywood, California.

On a less-than famous scale, I wonder what parents are thinking when they name their children.
For example:
If you family name is Dover, don't name your son Benjamin. Somewhere along the road his nickname will be Ben and people will be calling him Ben Dover!


Last name Park, first name Jurassic
Last name Light, first name Bud
Last name Minyon, first name Filley
Last name Duck, first name Donald
Last name Binn, first name Looney

Enough... you get the idea!

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?' ' Twelve thirty..'

Garage Door boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..'