Most Commented Comedy Blogs (1,864)

A man sat at home one day and looked at the sun. He wondered where it went at night so he hatched a plan. He would watch the sun! He woke early the next day and went to the top of the hill next to his house and folded open his chair and sat. 7 o'clock came and he had some tea and toast. 12 o'clock came and he had his sandwiches. 5 o'clock came and he had some soup. 8 o'clock came. The sun had begun to set over the horizon. He waited and waited. The sun went down. He waited and waited and waited until... it dawned on him. Gotcha!

talk about a raft of mixed emotions.
At around this time every year, I await with such anticipation, The funny,furry,unexplainable,sweet,a sense of being loved type of feelings, that my family, friends, well wishers, even some of those that do not like me very much give to me.
How i wait and try to guess who will be the first one.
will it be my eldest daughter, or my second daughter, maybe my son, Nah, it will be my granddaughter "Princess Trinity", Maybe, just maybe, someone from here at CS will be the first.
What am i on about, well, i often wonder at this time of year, who will be the FIRST to wish me a Happy Birthday.
Talk about going from excitement, to disappointment, to eventually reality.
I do this to myself every year,
I wait allday for someone to wish me a HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUT
It never comes.
I then realise, that it is not so surprising, as it's no where near my birthday.
To all those that are celebrating a birthday today, hope it was a good one.
I now have to learn yet another emotion, "PAITIENCE"

A far-off cousin farms in one of the driest regions in this country. Last week, when it rained there for the first time in 19 years, his 17-year-old son experienced rain for the first time.

When he heard the thunder and saw the lightning, while the water poured from the sky, he thought it was the Lord coming. He fainted with fear.

It took three buckets of sand to get him conscious again.


The lad is expected to recover form his ordeal, but with the scarcity of water, it was decided to do away with his under pants and trousers.

In our heads, we're all still in our thirties ...

This woman changes dentists, and notices that the fairly unusual name of the new dentist is the same as the name of a boy she went to school with, 30 years ago. However, when she sees him, she thinks it can't be - this guy is ANCIENT, must be his father.

Then she sees his diploma on the wall. WOW. Graduated 22 years ago. Must be the same guy. She's quite shocked at how he's aged, but says cheerfully enough as she sits down in the chair of doom 'I remember you from Ridgeway High School'.

His brow wrinkles. 'Were you my teacher?'

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'


2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'


3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone
to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'


4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks,
with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'


5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed
help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'


6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.'It sure is,' I replied.Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'


7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon
rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One
day I found her staring at some false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely
turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'


8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.''And why not, Darling?'She replied, 'You know that it always gives you a headache the
next morning.'


9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers, and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always
said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.

Okay, so I'm being silly and just in time to get your attention.

Los apodos are "Your nicknames" in Spanish. I had several growing up and into my adulthood as well.

Let's have some fun and maybe a little "letting loose", so to speak, om hurtful childhood nick names that once used to hurt you. Believe me I had several and especially from my siblings.

Here are mine and their origin!

Pitzi: This was a nickname from my relatives and I don't know why? I think it came from my Nebraska relatives as a "cute" nickname for me with no harm.

Snafu: This was a hurtful one from my brother Johnny who used to get great delight in belittling me. It will part of a title of a book I am in the process of writing.

Eagle beak: I have an aquiline nose and a sister named Mary used to hurl that at me just to be like my brother Johnny and insult me.

EeeePC: Said like that by a sister named Madeline who also used to pick on me. It was said in a hurtful inflection and I knew exactly what she meant. EPC are my initials.

Buster: A women I used to date called me that when she got angry with me. That was a real good one that I have had fun with throughout my life.

Daddooood! Meant as Dad dude and my son calls me that. A very loving name between father and son.

Ned: Derived from Ed (my name) by my daughter in Portland, Oregon. She is as silly as me but in a quiet way. She and my other daughter and grand daughter are the "Apples of My Eye"!!

Tito: I was called that by a cousin of my ex because her name was Martha, Spanish version Martita then shortened to Tita, hence, Tito and Tita!! That was a funny one.

I will log off for awhile to take a cousin to the doctors office. And i reserve the right to add more in my comments!!

THE STAPLER IN THE CAVEMAN DAYS
In the caveman days, staplers were free, they roamed the plains of the Serengeti to the highlands of the Alaskan Alps, living in small family groups they became fastidious in their methods of hunting prey, however inbreeding did create offspring with buck push down mechanisms.

The cavemen and their secretarial staff soon discovered that the staplers could be captured and trained to perform tasks, these included skinning antelope and making sabre toothed pocket books from Sabre toothed tigers.

As the years (they were not counted in those days) went by and history began, more uses were found, these new tasks took hundreds if not lots of years to evolve, as Staplentologists are still digging up the petrified remains of staplers from this and the cretinous period we can see that they were indeed scared of the cavemen and the cave secretarial staff.

Frogs were still really quite small in these times, and this is where the research stopped, CIA and FBI files from this era have not all been declassified, so we assume that through the ages staples have remained as being bigger than most frogs.

A revolution of the dinosaurs in this time was indeed the turning point the staples had been waiting for, a summit held at camp naive between the dinosaurs and the staplers is assumed, and we do know from fossil remains that deaths from the StaplerDino/Caveman war were vast, the species nearly died out, as luck would have it, an enterprising young stapler named Noah foresaw that the dinosaur blood would create a 40 day flood, drowning everything not bigger than a protractor (small species of numerical and angular origin) and set about building a stationery cupboard, where staplers gathered in pairs and boarded the vessel.

After the flood of dinosaur blood eased, the staples landed on a mountain peak somewhere in what we today call down town LA. A new era was born, and soon millions of baby staplers were spraining at their springs to go out and play.

Part 2 coming soon "The stapler in the bronze and silver age."

Posting these, then over and out. Night all.

A sign in a shoe repair store in Vancouver read:
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you

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Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

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At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
You've come to the right place."

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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

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On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -miss a car payment."

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Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

---

Sign on the back of a Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

To my darling husband,

Before you return home from your overseas trip I just wanted to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick-up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The Garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your beloved Ferrari.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX




PS - your girlfriend called.

A duck walks into a restaurant around lunchtime, sits down and orders a soda and a sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, "Wow, a talking duck! What are you doing here?"

The duck replies, "I'm dry-walling the building across the street. I'll be in town for a few days."

The next day, the duck walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "Hey duck, I was telling someone about you last night. They're really interested in meeting with you!"

"Is that so?"

"There's a travelling circus in town," the bartender explained. "The ringmaster was in here last night and thought you'd be a star attraction for them!"

The duck looked puzzled and says, "Why would a circus need a dry-Waller?"