Most Commented Comedy Blogs (1,865)

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more kids.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), and then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.
'The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to ear is going to help me.
''Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
"1"
"2"
"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, and …
All of Washington , D.C. ...

Some things we may agree with!

My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some Meat.


I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.


I don't mean to brag but......I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school?
Me neither.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented....I forgot where I was going with this.

I love being over 50. I learn something new every day.......and forget 5 others.

A thief broke into my house last night......He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like: I KNOW! Right?

I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
:

3 women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....

That night, all three will wear a leather bodice S &M style, stilettoes and a mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend: 'the other night, when my boy friend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cm stilettoes and mask. As he saw me he said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made l*ve all night long

The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettoes, the mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night

The married one: 'the other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettoes and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says:

'Hi Batman, what's for dinner'?

A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.


My wild oats have turned into prunes and all bran.


I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.


Funny, I don't remember being absent minded....


All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair.


If all is not lost, where is it.


It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.


Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.


I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.


Kids in the back seat cause accidents.


Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.


It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.


Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.


If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put then on my knees.


It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.


The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.


These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter.

The Eternal Optimist

Fifteen minutes after the Titanic sank, Arthur and John find themselves hugging a piece of wreckage from the great ship.

The water is freezing, sharks are swimming nearby and of course, the Titanic is long gone.

"Oh well," says Art, "It could have been worse".

"Worse? How could it have been worse"? screams John.

"We could have bought return tickets".




Quick Thinking-Definitely


A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce.

The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some tosser out there wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager saw the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.

We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"

"Originally from Essex sir", the boy replied.

"Why did you leave Essex?", the manager asked.

The boy answered, "Sir there's nothing but whores and footballers there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Essex."

"No shit!" the boy replied. "Who does she play for?"

My Business.......
A father walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat.

He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.

A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man takes hold of the kid and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand.

The man then walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son was fine, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him.

The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the thanks.

As he's about to leave, the father asks one last question. "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?"

"No" the man replies, "I work for the IRS, getting people to cough it up is my business." :

Perhaps being drunk on eBay? We all buy some weird stuff.

I have!...A wood stove at a bargain price, turns out it was for a dolls house.

A palette of 500 mixed paperbacks...they were all the same book..

and you?

Ole & Lena lived by a lake in Nordern Minnesota. It vas early vinter and da lake had froze over.

Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral store to get him some beer. She asked him for some money but he told her, “Nah, yust put it on our tab.”

So Lena valked across, got the beer at da yeneral store, den walked back home across the lake. Ven she got home and gave Ole his beer, she asked him, “Ole, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da store. Why didn’t you yust give me some money?”

Ole replied, “Vell, I didn’t vant to send you out dere vit some money ven I vasn’t sure how tick the ice vas yet.”

Just at plain sight it look so ordinary but upon closer looks It's the biggest Spaceship I've seen..(It's the only one ).
Perched on top the tallest buildings and guarded by 200 men in black.
I could be caught by the Government for leaking information of Secret National Security and who knows prob by Aliens ..maybe Grey's

There are reports of very high laser beaming out to the clouds ..some kind of communication links with Lunar ladies and Martian men .
Mind you getting in for those born in Singapore is only granted if you pay a toll of $100! And show what kind of undergarments you wear.
It cannot be made of cotton coz it interferes with their sensitive equipments.

Tourist are free to wander in if you bring your passport but the chance of coming out alive is next to impossible or they just clone you and the world will never know the difference except that you won't be wearing anything made of cotton !

This is the same craft last seen in Los Angeles in the "Battle of Los Angeles " in 1943/4 . And you could still see some holes on the underside of this ship .

Beware the Sarah conners babes walking along the shopping malls of Singapore ...Someone knocking hard on my door.... Maybe this is the last time I'll be blogging ..the world Must know ...It's V in disguise and they are vegetarians ....