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where is GOD????????????
...Two little boys aged 8 &10 were extremely mischievous.
They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it.
If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boy’s mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children.
So she asked the preacher if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed. But he asked to see them individually.
So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning.The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice asked the boy sternly…
“Do you know where God is? Son!”
The boy made no response;
just sat there wide eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner voice.
“Where is God?”
Again the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and now shook his finger in the boys face and bellowed, “Where is God?”
The boy screamed and ran out from the room, directly to his home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When the older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “what happened?”
The younger brother, gasping for breath replied “Brother, we are in big trouble this time….........……”God is missing, and they think we did it! !!!!!!”....
They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it.
If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boy’s mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children.
So she asked the preacher if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed. But he asked to see them individually.
So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning.The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice asked the boy sternly…
“Do you know where God is? Son!”
The boy made no response;
just sat there wide eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner voice.
“Where is God?”
Again the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and now shook his finger in the boys face and bellowed, “Where is God?”
The boy screamed and ran out from the room, directly to his home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When the older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “what happened?”
The younger brother, gasping for breath replied “Brother, we are in big trouble this time….........……”God is missing, and they think we did it! !!!!!!”....
Old jokes - TGIF!
*I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
*We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
*My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea.
*The Doctor called Mrs. Smith saying, "Mrs. Smith, your check came back" Mrs. Smith replied, "So did my arthritis!"
*A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?"
The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
*Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"
*Back when I was growing up, we always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.
*Q: Where does a modern husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
*Why do divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.
*Why do so many men die before their wives?
They want to.
*There is a big controversy in different cultures about when life begins. In some, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.
And here's how to lay down a good guilt trip:
*A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?"
Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son asked, "Why are you so weak?"
She replied, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said,"That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."
I think I've managed to offend nearly everyone have a great Friday
*We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
*My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea.
*The Doctor called Mrs. Smith saying, "Mrs. Smith, your check came back" Mrs. Smith replied, "So did my arthritis!"
*A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?"
The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
*Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"
*Back when I was growing up, we always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.
*Q: Where does a modern husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
*Why do divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.
*Why do so many men die before their wives?
They want to.
*There is a big controversy in different cultures about when life begins. In some, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.
And here's how to lay down a good guilt trip:
*A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?"
Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son asked, "Why are you so weak?"
She replied, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said,"That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."
I think I've managed to offend nearly everyone
have a great Friday
A Big-city Lawyer...
A Big-city Lawyer...
was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you"!
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning".
was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you"!
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning".
DEAD CROWS
I love birds and so took this seriously when I first got it in email from a friend ...but reading on,see the joke ...this one's for Nam with his Truckin Blog! 
'
Mysterious Crow Deaths
'
A fact you won't soon forget...Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
He very quickly concluded the cause:'
When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the look-out crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
: 
'Mysterious Crow Deaths
'A fact you won't soon forget...Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
He very quickly concluded the cause:'
When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the look-out crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
:
Jokes fresh in by email. Thought of you straightaw
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later......'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad......'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later.......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
Tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
Asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
Tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'That big sissy.'
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
Children's' sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
Down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
Microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a b*tch to iron.'
6.. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
Old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
Shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
Tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'
8.. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer.. She read, '.... And so Chicken Little
Went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
Falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
Farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'
10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play
with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'
11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her,
'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin..'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'
Five minutes later......'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad......'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later.......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
Tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
Asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
Tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'That big sissy.'
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
Children's' sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
Down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
Microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a b*tch to iron.'
6.. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
Old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
Shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
Tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'
8.. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer.. She read, '.... And so Chicken Little
Went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
Falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
Farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'
10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play
with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'
11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her,
'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin..'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'
Forrest Gump Dies
The day finally arrived.Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the
Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the
gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the
gatekeeper.
St. Peter said,
'Well,Forrest, it is certainly good to see
you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you,
though, that the place is filling up fast, and we
have been administering an entrance examination for
everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it
before you can get into Heaven.'
Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be
here, St. Peter, sir.
But nobody ever told me about any
entrance exam. I sure hope the test ain't too hard. Life was a big
enough test as it was.'
St. Peter continued,
'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First:
What two days
of the week begin, with the letter T?
Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?
Third:
What is God's first name?
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the
next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and
says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the
questions over, tell me your
answers.'
Forrest replied,
'Well, the first one -- which two days in
the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is
easy. That would be.... Today and Tomorrow .'
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest,
that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a
point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give
you credit for that answer. How about the next one?'
asked St. Peter.
'How many
seconds in a
year?
Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk
about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'
Astounded, St. Peter said,
'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in
Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?
Forrest
replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be
twelve:
January 2nd,
February 2nd, March 2nd...
'
'Hold it,
interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going
with this, and I see your point, though that was not
quite what I had in mind... but I will have to give
you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the
third and final
question.
Can you tell
me God's first
name'?
'Sure,'
Forrest replied, it's Andy. '
'Andy?'
exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. Ok, I can
understand how you came up with your answers to my
first two questions, but just how in the world did
you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'
You are
going to love this
....
'Shucks,
that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied.
'I learnt it from the
song,
ANDY WALKS WITH
ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH
ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I
AM HIS OWN.'
St. Peter
opened the Pearly Gates, and said:
"Run, Forrest,
run!"
Lord, Give
me a sense of
humor,
Give
me the ability to understand a clean
joke,
To get
some humor out of
life.
And to
pass it
on.
He is at the
Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the
gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the
gatekeeper.
St. Peter said,
'Well,Forrest, it is certainly good to see
you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you,
though, that the place is filling up fast, and we
have been administering an entrance examination for
everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it
before you can get into Heaven.'
Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be
here, St. Peter, sir.
But nobody ever told me about any
entrance exam. I sure hope the test ain't too hard. Life was a big
enough test as it was.'
St. Peter continued,
'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First:
What two days
of the week begin, with the letter T?
Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?
Third:
What is God's first name?
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the
next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and
says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the
questions over, tell me your
answers.'
Forrest replied,
'Well, the first one -- which two days in
the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is
easy. That would be.... Today and Tomorrow .'
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest,
that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a
point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give
you credit for that answer. How about the next one?'
asked St. Peter.
'How many
seconds in a
year?
Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk
about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'
Astounded, St. Peter said,
'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in
Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?
Forrest
replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be
twelve:
January 2nd,
February 2nd, March 2nd...
'
'Hold it,
interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going
with this, and I see your point, though that was not
quite what I had in mind... but I will have to give
you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the
third and final
question.
Can you tell
me God's first
name'?
'Sure,'
Forrest replied, it's Andy. '
'Andy?'
exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. Ok, I can
understand how you came up with your answers to my
first two questions, but just how in the world did
you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'
You are
going to love this
....
'Shucks,
that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied.
'I learnt it from the
song,
ANDY WALKS WITH
ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH
ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I
AM HIS OWN.'
St. Peter
opened the Pearly Gates, and said:
"Run, Forrest,
run!"
Lord, Give
me a sense of
humor,
Give
me the ability to understand a clean
joke,
To get
some humor out of
life.
And to
pass it
on.
The Demented Snow Shoveler
December 8, 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-
we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska , after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own livingroom.
December 20
Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the dang stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all
day. The snow plow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.
(contiued in comment section)
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-
we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska , after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own livingroom.
December 20
Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the dang stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all
day. The snow plow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.
(contiued in comment section)
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